Yesterday was supposed to be happy--my nephew's 4th birthday. Then his uncle was teasing him about taking him back with him and leaving his daughter here and Gahvin started balling (apparently something about his uncle's voice scares him.) I went over to the chair and hugged him and was telling him it was all right and that he wasn't going anywhere when I hear my brother's mother-in-law say fairly tersely, "It does no good to spoil him." I ended up sneaking up to the bathroom to get some tears out and taking an emergency med.
On the way home, I started crying in the car, and mentioned to my mom that I felt the mother-in-law didn't like me. Apparently she's said similar things to my mom. Of course this caused my mom to go on a whole thing that my treatment/medication needs to be changed, that I don't let her know anything about my therapy, how I don't say much about where I live or how often I work to other people (like I want everyone knowing I live in an adult foster and can't work full-time due to stress), and how she thinks I'm jealous of my dad and stepmom's relationship when I brought up the reason I had difficulty with college was less to due with being able to "handle" the academics as it was suddenly finding out my dad was moving from where I grew up and in with a person I HAD NEVER MET and then planning to marry her the next summer. It was one thing with his ex, I'd met her on several occasions. I only met my future (now current) stepmom once or twice before the move and only a few times before I ended up with them for the remainder of the summer. Within a year, the last remnants of my childhood and sense of belonging (I still feel I don't belong in either of the houses my respective parents have moved into since my senior year of high school) were gone and I no longer felt I could turn to my dad like before.
Then she unknowningly brought up the other detail--she said, "I look out for you and your brother but if anything happened to me, shit." A very similar statement of "You wouldn't even care if I died," was said to me five years ago, just before I started cutting. And then she accused me of the safety pin poke for attention. I only said anything about it (and not to her) because the fact that I had done that scared the shit out of me and I knew I needed some help to make sure I avoided a full relapse. She criticizes me saying that I can talk like a 26 year old, but I act like I'm ten years younger--yes I sleep with a doll, but only because I don't have a cat that I can cry into. Yes I've started coloring in color books and I watch kids stuff, because it helps distract me when my mind's in overload. I've been watching Muppet Babies Video Storybooks almost all week with my doll close to me because it's the only way I've been able to get the tears to ebb away enough to get some sleep. The way my mom talks, I should be in a facility just for that. And that's why I don't allow her to have contact with anyone involved in my treatment. Supposedly the full story's not coming out that way (her words) but her version (again, me being jealous of my dad's relationship) is not even close to accurate.
It hurts so so so much. It's times like these that it is so tempting to pull a hangnail, poke with a safety pin, cut with a knife...almost any type of physical pain is better than this. I won't cut, as long as I haven't wrecked my near-four-year mark (which I kind of feel I may have since I've poked with a safety pin), I won't wreck it now. I can't bear to start all over from zero. I don't know if I have the strength in me to do it again.
I don't know what I should do--if I cut off all contact with her...I could lose contact with my nephew too. It's not that I don't appreciate what she does for me, it's when she says stuff and basically says I need to man up when I start crying. That's probably why some of the crybaby stuff from when I was younger still holds. For a while, at the end of January, she seemed a little more sensitive to how she put things to me and asking if I was okay...now she's back to this. I bet she's told her sisters about it all already...makes me want to skip out on Easter. Probably just as well, last time one of my aunts was saying I should go off my medicine and take herbal supplements to manage my pain, anxiety, and depression, and another practically asked if I was anorexic because I'd lost weight.
It just really hurts and I want this emotional hurt to stop.