I have always been a shy person, ever since I was very young. I remember as a child I used to have this good singing voice and my mom always made me sing over the phone or in front of family. I almost always stopped a little more than half way through because my fear of anyone not liking it would get to me. I also was a very caring and compassionate child. From the age of 3 to like 14 I was always overly concerned about the people closest to me, especially when it came to food. I always asked my mom, dad or sister if they wanted any food off of my plate because I was more concerned for them…if they had had enough to eat or not. They always turned it down of course. Maybe they thought it was cute at that age…I don’t know, but I wish someone would have seen this as a sign of my future self – an anxious person.
I was always very close to my parents…I loved them dearly. I remember they used to argue a lot because my dad would go through periods of time being an alcoholic. My mom always told my sister and I, “This is not normal. Don’t ever think that your parent’s arguing all the time is normal – it is dysfunctional.” She always made sure that we knew what was actually right and she didn’t sugarcoat anything for us. We learned many hard truths and I loved her for it. She was a very honest person, kind and loving. She always told us she knew she was going to die young too. Her guess was 43. She was 41 when she passed away from a massive heart attack. I was 15.
This shattered me a bit. This is when I was diagnosed with depression. To make another really long story short, I moved in with my father a few years later. Being with him helped me cope with her loss better. We basically helped each other. We worked together, went out to the Koffee Kat after work and scratched some tickets. He tried to get me to eat massive bowls of ice cream…only succeeding a handful of times out of a hundred. He would start with any ice cream with a lot of crap already in it and then he would add crushed graham crackers (his favorite), crushed cookies, chocolate syrup, crushed little Debbie snacks and peanut butter. It was just too much for me, so I usually turned it down, lol. When I lived with him he stayed sober for five years. Then I moved. He started drinking again and he followed me to the same town. We got him sober once or twice more which didn’t last long. The last time just did him in. He passed away in January of 2012 due to complications from being an alcoholic. As bad as his drinking was he was loved by so many people and it was a shock to many. It still shocks me at times. Not long ago I would still expect a phone call from him. His death hurt more because we built such a strong relationship from crumbles of our past relationship. I miss him so much and it truly just hurts my heart still that he is gone. I miss them both but his still bothers me and I sometimes wonder if I hadn’t moved if he would still be alive.
I know though that if I hadn’t moved I wouldn’t have met my fiancé; he is truly my rock. We wouldn’t have our beautiful house and nursing probably wouldn't have interested me so much. I know tragedies happen to everyone and those are just a few of mine.
Only 4 to 5 months ago I developed anxiety over chest pains. For a long time, I didn’t care about myself and I treated my body poorly. Now I work out almost every day, I quit smoking four months ago, and I eat right. It is not just about being skinny again; I want to be healthy and live a long and happy life with my future husband. I want to try to enjoy what is left of my life (sad to feel that way at only 27, I know) but I am a hypochondriac and I always think the worst. I try to be positive - I really do, but I refuse to go on medicine that will make me be positive and feel good the unnatural way. Feelings and emotions are real…tangible and intangible…not an answer or peace of mind that comes from a pill in my opinion. A normal person who doesn’t have anxiety isn’t even happy all the time. I have just started meditation and I have a room in our house picked out where I will do just that and workout. I can’t wait to start decorating it and to have a space for sweat, tears and relaxation. Very exciting for me.
That is about it. I also try to help out and answer as many questions as I can. Sorry if my answers are sometimes a bit harsh. I try not to sugarcoat things as well. Ta for now.