I want to be able to work. I have tried several different things. When i was 20, i thougth my problem was that i needed more people around me at work (people doing the same thing next to me excites me). It partly worked, since my most productive times have been on big companies. The problem is, of course, when i have to get back to home, alone, thinking. The next day, its impossible to work without less than 6 hours of sleep... and it sums with the next day, and the next day... after a week, i simply don't wake up. I forget too. Since my concious is totally screwed. Psycosis comes in and i forget who i am.
I tried to work as a freelancer. I know how to do things well, so i will sell my work, without having to be in the middle of a crowd where i keep too much information in my head i can't proccess later. Didn't work either. Having the responsabiblity to deliver a well done work to a stranger was worse. The problem wasn't in the crowd, it was in me.
Now a days i work in my family business. I do work for cheap, that would cost too much if we had to pay someone else to do it. I feel pathetic, and my plans still wont go foward. The company is in my hand, and my knowledge was enough to make people work well, and i make serious decisions, and complex projects, and teach people how to do things (i love teaching)... it was only easy for me since i failed so much before, those decisions looked trivial. The company is still not making enough money. So its a victory for overcoming Phobias, but not materially.
Keeping myself away from people, SO I COULD BREATHE, made myself very imature about several things. I thougth that if i was honest with people about these things they would help. They won't. Mostly because they don't even know how they learned ceartain things. People without social anxiety learn things we don't, and they don't make much intelectual effort for it. I have to face it everyday, since i ask people about things they have never been asked... later, of course, i feel like a stupid kid. Worse for my fear of beeing badly judged.
Sometimes it happens that some people get really friendly with me, and like me forever for beeing so honest. I have fear of these people. I have so much fear to show my "true self" and feel antagonized by them.
I have learned that this monster that is my "true self", is only a irrational fear from my phobia... but i can't shake it. The first thing i can connect to that is suffering bullying as a kid. I remember vividly of close friends humiliating me in front of a crowd, and that went on for a decade. So, how does Cognitive Behavioral Therapy work on changing that? I ask that cause i need it desperately.
Because if my own friends had something to use against me, and easily, to call for the entire class to call me uselless, idiot, retarded, imbecille, angrily to my face, when i was a child... and i don't even remember the really bad thngs i did to deserve it (if a kid can do something so terrible), why wouldn't people today do the same. And what do they know that is so evil in me they love to pick on.
I remember now people telling me how competent, good, honest, friendly, strong, smart, well-spoken, good looking i am. I just can't believe them... OR, believe in them isn't enough, if at least one person hates me somehow (in real life, or just n my mind).
I feel really broken, and life disabled. I am not living. This is not living.
Right now, the thing that mostly bother me, is a love frustration. Isn't it a reason for anxiety and depression for everyone? Nothing strange here. But i know that's not what stops me from living. The things that makes me feel really anxious, are my inabilities to deal with it, and overcome it; the sensation of failure, because i don't remember having, or feeling good examples to balance with it.
I always had problems with girls. With everybody in fact. Before having the diagnostic of Social Phobia, for 5 years i believed i had Bipolar Disorder. It took this time for doctors to discover that it wasn't true. Why is that? Well, first, i'm not a shy person, and the rest... let me come back for my relantionships, since i follow a pattern i discovered, an helped deceive doctors.
Because i have so, so much fears of appearing bad in front of people, and because i live in Rio, a city where people talk to each other all the time, and with strangers frequently as they were old friends, i have learned a way to hide my "true self". Socio Phobics, by the little i know, normally have problems in talking in parties, in front of people, or simply invinting girls out. I don't have that. Not at all.
What confused doctors was the fact i get so excited about doing something, and them simply vanishing from sight. The reason i was excited was not because i was on a "peak". It was because i was feeling i was living, enjoying people as normal, doing things as a normal person, since i wasn't able most of the times. And i vanished, because my imaturity made me so uncorfortable, the anxiety raised to unberable levels i couldn't even get out of my house, or my bed, or under it, when i was so ashamed and fearing so much the bed sheets wern't enough. Next to people i get so anxious, sometimes my body reads this as excitement, and i screw up, and become afraid in coming out agin.
I rememeber when as a kid, i used to hide inside my closet, and my parents went looking like crazy on the streets for me... no, they couldn't understand why would a kid hide for so long time inside a closet. if i couldn't hide, i just became catatonic in my bed, and didn't react... trying at least to hide in my own mind. My traumas are not so bad... or people make me believe that. I wasn't raped, or severelly injured. But i remember having bad imature egoistical parents.
So... what does this have to do with relationships... well, i simply act like very confortably in front of new people, and them get back at who i am for real, and ruin the relantionship. It lasts for a week. After that, if i see people again, i have to hide. I can get up on stage, and i did several times, in front of hundreds of people, and talk, and talk and talk. You want to be next to me for more than a week? Thats just impossible, and if possible too painful, and you will hate me later.
So, with girls, normally, i ask them out... can't get any pleasure from beeing next to them, don't do nothing, kiss, hugs, nothing... and them stop seeing them, before they give me attention and i fell in love. Thats what i do. I am not virgin anymore, but i never had an orgasm with with someone for example. I didn't had complains either, if i can incert a positive detail here too... I had already investigated if i am gay or assexual... no, im not. I really do desire women. But i just can't be next to them for long, if it means i have to show who i am; nor can be intimate with them.
I imagine today i could enjoy more... but im so out of touch with people, and feel such an underachiever, i don't look for it anymore. This girl i felt in love with looked for me... and insisted... and now tragedy broke out. And i hate myself for it.
The person im so sad and suffering about, lives very far from my home. Reeeeeally far. The good thing about her, was that i did not need to fear a "carnal pressure" at first. And people didnt watch and observe us. The bad thing is that i made the mistake of beeing very, very seductive at first, and them telling and showying who i am (sum to that the fact that i can't work, and make things happen properly, which includes visiting her), so i scared her. So now im a stranger. And the circle, that i avoided for 10 years happened again: i felt in love for somebody that paid attention to me, i felt scaried, and acted strange... now i'm such a freak, she avoids me.
Normal. For me at least.
As people tell me, i insist in speaking seriously about deep things too much. I promisse i talk just as i write here... i don't know how to see life as a joke or as a easy game. Thats not what i have seen, obviously i can't be who i'm not, and i enjoy life differently. Normal people keep fascinated with me speaking, but can't enjoy me when i get closer... at least that was my experiences.
I always try to make somethng out of these things, so here it goes:
First. I promisse myself i will visit her, even if she doesnt care and act indifferent of my presence (I keep trying to train myself that i should make people around me think about me the way i see myself, and not accept the way they see me. Thats a trait of a alpha male that is still far from me). I have to use this to end the idea in my head that EVERY love relationship will end in a tragedy. Its a nightmare thats keeps repeating in my head that i want to erase, even if right now it think ts impossible. Of course the idea of loving somebody else is not an close option for someone in love. There are other fishes at the sea... but we only want that one.
I think i should be able to talk with someone i loved, naturally without thinking i am evil in some way for still wanting something. Like a friendship. I really search to be in the situations i most fear, and not be awkward.
I had for example to get rid of me the feeling (marked on me by a fundamentalist christian upbringing) that i have to be over protective, and over worried about sex. I shouldn't. I won't anymore. But it did hurt alot to erased that ideas from me.
Second. I'm losing fear of asking help for people close to me. Some act as real bad people... like saying i am a fag, or just think that my worries are ridiculous. These examples i use to try to make my skin thicker, and to balance, and keep remembering the people that didn't said that im an idiot. Thats good. The bad examples still torture me though... like feeling avoidance from someone you love.
The lesson? Changing hurts. A lot. And your body fights you, but you can't gve up. Looking ridiculous is not so much of a problem, since i think im getting used with it. Seriuosly. I always assume people will laugh at my face... when i act so outrageously shyless, people think im super cool. Its like when we watch a game and even if we cheer for a team, we tend to be on the side of the team loosing. If you admit you HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE DOING, people feel confortable with you. I wish that worked to the point i didn't feel evil when i rest my head in the bed anymore... This also have a bad side, since its obvious i assume people will think i'm ridiculous because of my Social Phobia, at home i will get paranoic. I have to work on that. Confused.
To survive i really lower my standarts of happiness. Now i need less and less to enjoy things... today i'm not able to enjoy nothing unfortunally.
I say the body fights you, because when i KNOW i'm control of things, my body reacts like i'm going to die. My heart goes crazy and hurts... i feel i need to piss... my paranoia invents enemies that don't exist... adrenaline goes trhu my body and my legs give up... i can't control my breath... at that times i even seek for friends to talk, but they don't understand absolutelly nothing. That unfortunally worked against me. So now a days... i talk to them, they look at my face like i'm crazy, but i just forget (or try to) about their reaction, and just enjoy i get it out of my chest.
So... the other lesson is: You don't have to give a fuck about other people reactions. Sorry for the f-bomb. No really... there is not a ultimate behavior in public you have to follow, and i say this to you, as i say to myself. You don't have to to "feel" other people's reaction... but only understand it. Psycopaths knows about this, and some live normal lives if they only follow the golden rule, even if they aren't feeling, they are reading and understanding those reactions to improve their behavior. How i wish i had this ability... but everytime i simply pick up the phone for example, my stomach hurts just to think i can make a mistake. (I still make important calls several times a day. Lots of them i "forget", and postpone... or simply try to make the work myself so i don't need to ask people)
One final point to make, is that not all is bad for me, since i am able to write this. Im 28, and used to write alot, and good. But my diaries from my teenager years were consumed by fire, since the idea of someone reading these things were too painful. I started writing my ideas on facebook... and started receiving good comments, appraisals, and threats, and ridicule, and hate mail... and between the times of chest pains and fear, i have learned to enjoy the process, and now i am more able to talk the ridicule things, sometimes only ridicule in my mind, and simply tell them. i have learned that people act as assholes all time, and if i can predict and understand those reactions, they affect me less and less... well, my body still things the contraire... but i dont trust him, as it doesnt trust my treatment against Social Anxiety either.
Before that i discovered cryptography... but i still felt too ridiculous to write and keep it away. Cause i was still reading them... =P
Writing this made me feel much less anxious. But i still very sad i live such a sad life. I used to be funny about it, but even the jokes are hurting me now. Living afraid, but pushing it like i do, makes me feel dying... everyday i rip off a limb, and rebuild myself. It hurts so much to lose the things you thougth defined you, so you can have a normal life. Its still a better death... and i face it like staring at an abysm. If i want to die, i kill what makes me want that. I only hope the promisses of better days, when i can't even identify myself, are real, because the price for it is very high. And if i get rid of scars, new ones appear... i'm afraid of becoming stranger.
Finished writing at 4:00 am.
English is not my first language. Patience with obvious errors.