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Why I wanna give social anxiety a taste of my middle finger

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Recently, I've began to try and disect my commnication skills in an effort to impove this aspect of my life. I often find myself asking myself "Why can't you be like everyone else?" "Why can't you just once not be consumed by your insecurities and fears?" "Why do you feel SO compelled to hide your short comings and give the impression nothing is wrong?" Thing is, my self defense is being funny (or at least trying to be). As some of you may know, casual conversations, or as I think of them "meaningful" conversations, scare me. I find myself trying SO hard to not turn everything into a punch line and actually have a conversation of substance. Because of my fears that I am simply incapable of stimulating conversations, I make a big joke of it and say misleading things simply for comedic effect. I go into a conversation thinking "I am going to sit down and actually talk with this person." But everytime I do, I panic that that awkward silence will find it's way into the conversation. So as the person is speaking to me, I hear what's being said, but I don't LISTEN to what's being said. Funny thing is, whenever people come to me with their problems or simply seek advice (sometimes both), I am relaxed, attentive, sympatheitc, mindful, and completely care free of the direction the conversation goes. But in casual conversations, as the person is talking, I am thinking, "okay, what do I say next to keep the conversation going and maintain the other persons attention?" By the time I have thought that, the person is already done talking and waiting for a response. Which usually causes me to resort to humor and/or make light of the fact that I didn't listen to a word they say. Unfortunetly, a lot of people that interact with me don't always view that as funny. =/ They say your only as free as you feel. If that's true, then I very much feel like I am in prison. Really, always have. Yesterday, I was told about a technique I can try to get me to stop thinking inwards and just go with the flow of things. I was told to start paying attention to what is around me more. Don't think about anything but the detail of your surrondings. The color of the walls, what kind of shirt the person is wearing, pictures, people in the backround, etc. So starting today, I am going to try this little tactic out and see if it works. In case you are wondering, the whole point of this entry is so one day I'll hopefully be able to look back at this entry and be proud that I overcame this problem.

 

And thanks much to anyone that reads this! =)

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3 comments

  • Comment Link RW1989 Wednesday, 25 September 2013 11:02 posted by RW1989

    Thanks guys! =)

  • Comment Link lexieannlak Wednesday, 25 September 2013 01:32 posted by lexieannlak

    Thanks for sharing.All of your buddies on tiny chat would be more than willing to help you practice your conversational skills :)

  • Comment Link crystle mckee Tuesday, 24 September 2013 18:00 posted by crystle mckee

    im super proud of you. First step is admitting we have a problem, and you already took it! i think those of us with any form of anxiety are so worried about what everyone else feels, or thinks of us, and we try so hard to seem "normal" , that the voice in our head takes over and overwhelms us. trying to be funny I think is the brains first response as we freeze up. Remember baby steps my friend, and I have confidence that you will be able to over come this. Don't get down on yourself if it doesn't work right away, just know there will be chances for you to try again. We are all here for you and I appreciate your honesty and am going to say a prayer for you!

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