It's been a rather strange day today. I'm in a period of a week where I'm writing a exam paper on phenomenology and since there are no courses scheduled because of exams, I've been at home all day.
The day starts with me waking up to the alarm my girlfriend has set (she has a REAL job). As a tactic to break the pattern of anxiety, that arises and builds momentum throughout the day the more I procrastinate, I JOLT out of bed and THOW myself in front of the computer and immediately start writing. Something, anything that comes to mind (it was related to the subject tho, if you were wondering). I didn't warite a whole lot, but the thought was that it should mark the beginning of my day and what the day will entail; to get a good start and hit the ground running, so to speak. I've been experimenting with this technique* for two days in a row now - it's radically different than anything I've ever done. I've never been a morning type of guy, so it's really... Brutal. I'm pushing a lot of boundaries/habits, for example, I find it rather anxiety provoking to sit there in all my morning ugliness, with half-closed eyes, morning hair, bad breath and so on. I'm very self-conscious about it. Also just being tired confused because my mind isn't yet functioning, causing me to make plenty of mistakes before my hands even touch the keyboard; I know it's totally natural and the only weird thing would be if my body did NOT act that way. But I despise being weak and vulnerable, which is what I feel. Being the guy who always screws up and people around him expressing polite, socially apropriate tolerance but subtly revealing their true inner feelings of rejection, resentment and pity towards him. I feel so judged and violated when I think this is happening, and it completely ruins everything I'm doing at that moment.
I guess the recent eye opener is that I'm doing this to myself most of the time automatically! This happens quite a lot on a daily basis. For example when I sit down to study, feelings of inadequacy get triggered by the challenging material we're going through while the little guy inside me is struggling, doing the best he can trying to do the right thing... I turn away from him in disappointment of my own performance, rejecting him, judging him, and not even in a remotely polite way! It could also be little things, like when the dishes have reached mountainous sizes and I find myself trying to balance that one plate I just used in the mess of things while being in a hurry to get back to whatever I was doing before. I turn my back and *CRASH* - the instant reaction is intense irritation bacause of my painfully obvious sloppyness of not having done the dishes in the first place and instead chose the easy, opportunistic solution. Then I send the little guy inside me away in a violent shower of resentment, rejection and disappointment. "Let the god damn plate fit itself in wherever it bloody well chooses!" Then I give my mind something to chew on, like a computer game or aimless internet surfing.
Rinse and repeat for around 20 years. No wonder I'm a little... Unbalanced.
There's nowhere for the little guy to go. Wherever he looks, whatever he sets out to do, the only thing certain is the feeling of failure and rejection.
Now, try placing this little guy on a stage where he's forced to perform with something at stake, like, ow say, in an EXAM SITUATION, and you will see someone in the gravest of danger and dispair, fighting for his life! Being dragged towards the inevitable, ultimate defeat, he will kick and scream in the only way he knows how to: through the vast complex structure that is the body.
Today, however, I tried tapping in to the unquestionable and unconditional love I'm capable of as a human being, by meditating. I spoke to myself in a manner that was incredible caring and compassionate. In a manner that was accepting and inviting. In a manner I can best describe as this: "Come. Sit. There's room for anything and everything you have to give or take. Should it be painful, I have no intention whatsoever of turning away, I will share with you your pain without reservation. I will carry it for you if you wish [tears are litteraly streaming down my face as I write this]. I will share with you your joy in whatever form it takes. I come with love.
It felt VERY good saying these things and being in the situation. But also bad. I felt a pinch in the stomach. I stayed true to my word and invited in the pain, held it lightly with a caring hand - I would not turn away even for a second. A doubt revealed itself that this experience of love and kindness was somehow not real, that this was just a fleeting "good thing" happening - an oasis of pure joy in the desert of pain, soon to be swallowed. "I can hold this doubt. I will carry it for you if you wish. I will stand here like a tree in the middle of a raging storm, swaying to the limit of my capacity, but I will not turn away" - was my answer. The knot in my stomach subsided, and recalling the thought again gave me an uplifting feeling in my stomach and chest. Other doubts arose, like "will I be able to enter this state again