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Life for me in my early years

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My first attack that I remember.....

6 years old, awards ceremony, my name was called and I buried my tiny little head into my daddy's armpit so far you couldn't see anything but the back of my head.  I remember the feeling of anxiouness, like a chest pounding and as some call it, fight or flight feeling.  I just wanted to run away to the vehicle and never go back.  Back then I was called the shy backwards kid.  I had no idea that it wasn't a normal feeling.  It was my normal.  I hated it, but I didn't know enough of anything to be telling my parents "hey look I got a mental disorder, I need help".

I went to a christian academy then.  Only 6 of us in my class, which in essence was a good thing I think, now that I look back on it.  I don't remember much except two classmates, my best friend and my 1st crush.  LOL  

See my mother is schitzophrenic, bi polar, has OCD and a touch of anxiety.  Although she wasn't diagnosed until 9 years ago.  So most of my anxiety was caused by her, as she loved to see me in an attack.  So she said things to tick me off on purpose and she has openly admitted to this to several people, so I am not just making this up.  Her and my dad filed for divorce when I was 10.  After that I think I had more of a mood disorder than anything as certain things triggered it.  I am generally a happy person and always have been, it takes ALOT to switch me into a bad mood, that is unless your being and idiot.  I have a low tolerance for bullshit.  Hahaha.

I have these fears of getting into trouble with "authority", whether it be my parents, the law, my boss etc... But these fears are not always a bad thing.  It has actually kept me from getting addicted to drugs where as most of my peers have totally screwed their lives up, it's kept me from getting into financial trouble and kept me on the straight and narrow.  The part that I hate is that its a constant fear, it doesn't just come and go.

I am going to start righting about my episodes so that I can have a current up to date booklet and see if I can figure out what the deal is.  Wish me luck.




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1 comment

  • Comment Link April Teeter Tuesday, 03 December 2013 01:59 posted by April Teeter

    Thanks for sharing the story of your early years.

    Sorry to hear of the things you had to go through, particularly with your mother. I'm glad that you're not turning to drugs, but it is difficult when you live your life in constant fear. I hope keeping recordings will help you and I hope being on ASN will also help you.

    So would you say when you have anxiety you are more irritable and tend to lash out?

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