I'm not sure if this will make any sort of sense. I have many different thoughts going on at once and at 4:30 in the morning I'm pretty sleep deprived at this point. I apologize in advance to anyone reading this who can't make any sense out of it. It's been a long time since I've used my diary. I felt like now would be a pretty good time.
I don't even know how to describe how I'm feeling right now. I feel lucid; void from feelings. Like, all of my feelings erupted inside of me and now they're gone. Now they're empty. It doesn't feel like sadness, it doesn't feel like depression. I really don't know how to describe it. But I know I've felt it before. And I know it usually makes me feel on some scale of crazy.
Earlier tonight Ganon, my 3-year-old son woke up upset. It was over something trivial, his nose was running. Being a kid, I understand this is just part of how he shows his frustration. I was coaxed to go comfort him, something I didn't even think about doing. I tried my best to. I wiped his nose, brought him his favorite stuffed toy, told him I loved him and kissed him good-night. I went back to my room where my "boyfriend" (confusing relationship right now) was waiting and he told me I was a good mom for helping to comfort our son. It just made me pull away because I felt so confused. Confused over what? I have no idea. Just the act of trying to comfort my son was so foreign to me. The compliments on doing it felt foreign to me too. I didn't like it. I'm not sure why, but I didn't. It really freaked me out.
People see the things I do or the things I say and they tell me how they think I'm a great person. How they think I'm doing good things or being sweet. I thank them with sincere appreciation because I do try hard to be a good person, but deep down... Sometimes I just think, how can they not see what a shitty, fucked up person I am? I mean... The fact alone that I'm "TRYING" to be a good person should speak volumes on that. Truly good people don't TRY to be good, they just are. They do it with ease and without thinking about it because they're good people. I'm not one of those people.
I have these constant, intrusive thoughts of sex with multiple people. "Well everyone fantasizes about different people now and then." True, but I always seem to go one step over just fantasizing. I take advantage of them, use them for the physical gratitude and then want nothing more. I feel like a hermit crab moving from one shell to the next. I have periods of time where I'll stop sex altogether, but that's where the intrusive thoughts come up the most. Staring at men and women at work, getting dangerously close to sexual chat with innocent people, having wet dreams every night. Sure, they're "innocent" fantasies at first, but I always work my way into making them realities. I always think afterward "what the hell is wrong with me?" It's like this fucked up, vicious cycle that for whatever reason, since I first started having sex, I can't fucking break. I feel like a fucking prisoner and the fucked up thing is I'm the one who's locking myself up.
I wish it was as easy as just stopping. I wish I wasn't so fucked up and I wish people could see how shitty of a person I really am so I can stop feeling so guilty every time they midjudge me as a good person. I've ruined so much in my life and I truly have no one to blame, but myself.