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My 3am Random Thoughts

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I've never been the person to open up to people, I find it hard to talk about my feeling, my passions, anything emotional; well unless I've been drinking it's always been difficult, even with alcohol in my system it seems like something I just wasn't programmed to do. Everyone in my family, mostly my parents tell me that I only care about my self and I don't care about others and that hurts, it's almost become like a daily routine for me to hear people say that to me, and even if they don't say it I plays on my mind constantly.

I can't get a single good thought across, right now my mind it literally on the fritz and I'm trying to talk about my brainy wonders. I'm losing the battle. How do I win a battle against myself when I don't even know how to start? I'm losing a battle with myself and it's affecting my social life. I can't explain to myself how I feel yet still I know, but others won't know so I will alway come across like a cod distant person. How do I even begin to win this fight?! Am I even making sense right now?!

Sometimes I wonder if because of this if I'm going to end up alone, there's noone out there sane enough to have the patiences to be with someone they're not sure even cares about them. Who's sane enough to love and accept that I might never be able to fully express how I feel about them. I probably show more emotion to my pillow, mainly because a pillow can't reject me, a pillow will always be there. A human on the other hand, they can stand up and decide that it's time to let go of me. That is something I can NOT handle, rejection is the worst losing someone is something I've never been able to coupe with. Yet still I yearn for companionship, someone to love me.

Always felt like the love of a significant other was one of the most important things out there. To be able to meet someone and fall in love and spend the rest of your life with that person, that is beautiful. I am so in love with love, but I'm always very terrified of it. But the concept is something I could only dream of. Being able to create your own family and allowing your family to grow on is amazing. Actually brings me joy, love, but I don think I'll ever have it, to be quite honest. I'm way to scared to put myself out there to be torn down. I don't care what anyone tells me heartbreak is NOT apart of life, people tell you that to make you feel good, just makes me feel even worse actually.

My future scares me, what I want to be is something I'm not even sure I can handle. I want to teach people but I'm horrible as a leader because I don't like being the center of attention or speaking in front of crowds. How am I suppose to teach and I can't even speak to the students. I really don't know what to do with my life anymore. I just, I don't know anymore. Don't even think I'm good at this whole dancing thing so how can I teach others. I don't have confidence how am I suppose to motivate others if I can't do it for myself?

In a few months I won't be able to call myself a teenager, and I don't know what I want to do with my life really, I have no plan or back up plan. What happens if I don't get into that school what am I going to do then? Oh my god my life just feels like I don't even know. 

Trying to stay positive is actually hard when you can't see the rainbow from the hole you dug for yourself.

 

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