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( I should point out that this is not only about an anxiety disorder but also of my Derealization disorder )

My whole life up to that point was lived far to fast

I had no fear , no worry , i was young 10 feet tall and bullet proof as the saying goes . Even as a child i was fearless i would always be the first to dive in , head first with little regard for my safety or my health . All that changed one night 10 years ago on a wintry night back 2002 .I was in university exclusively to party at the time i was a heavy weed smoke rand by heavy i don't mean a couple joints a day im talking a couple bags a day . I saw no problem with my marijuana use i though it was amazing like every other kid all i wanted to do was get stoned with my friends , play xbox , eat crazy amounts of junk food and generally be a giant pot head . The day of my break down i had agreed to drive my best friend across the province to visit his mom . It was like any other day , we woke up and got ridiculously high then filled the car up and hit the road . It was a long drive which turned out to be for nothing as his estranged mother was really not in any kind of state for visiting . So we got high again , and again and again and began the drive home .

I was exhausted , as were we all we had just spent the entire day driving for nothing when this wave of fear rushed over me . It was the single most intense feeling i have ever expended . I started sweating bullets , my heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest and blow up in my face . I said nothing to my friends , I couldn't, i didn't know what was going on i was scared , terrified , i must of been ghost white . Reality melted around my perception had fundamentally changed i was viewing life in a way i didn't know existed . The closest i can compare it too is a extremely bad shroom trip . I dropped all my friends off at home and raced back to my parents house . It was late and they were fast asleep i went straight to the bathroom turned on the shower and jumped in trying to force myself with cold water back into so sense of normality needless to say , it didn't work . I got outta the shower , everything felt wrong , every breath felt labored , every heartbeat felt forced i was shaking , not so much from the shower but from some inner cold that had taken me completely over . My parents house was connected to a store they owned so i went out into the store to have a smoke and try and clear my head . The shower , which was next to my parents room had awoken my mother and as if with magic mother sense she knew something was wrong and followed my out into the store . I was barley coherent , shaking from toe to head like some junkie needing his fix .She asked what was wrong and i told with a shaking voice that i didn't know and that i felt disconnected ,outta body , 3rd person , scared . She suggested i try working out to get my mind off of what was happening , nothing helped . She took me inside the house , layed me on the couch and tucked my in . I was crying in the fetal position she sat beside my and stroked my hair i felt like i was 5 years old . She assured me everything would be alright in the morning and that i need to get some sleep . I didn't fall asleep so much as i was blacked out but when i awoke in the morning the fear was still there , that horrible skewed reality was still there . I put on a brave face and tried to act as if i wasn't a complete mess although underneath i was still that shaking 5 yearold . I told my mother it was still bad , it was still there , the uncontrollable fear but she didn't understand , how could she i didn't even understand .

I was on break from university for Christmas and soon had to go back to school . The days turned into weeks and the weeks into months the fear would manifest itself in different ways . I would worry about my health , focusing on my heart or my brain bordering on hypochondria every pain was measured and misinterpreted . I could no longer enjoy the things i once did . I stopped smoking weed it only intensified the anxiety and focused more on getting drunk to dull the pain i was in . My mother convinced me to see a shrink , the shirk diagnosed me as having GAD and put my on Paxil . She seemed to be more interested in treating my symptoms and not the real problem but i was thankful for someone to help at all , i mean at least she had some idea what i was going through . I finished the school year and went back home with no plans for the future i just needed to relax and focus my mind the drug didn't seem to do much but i kept taking it being told that it took time .

It wasn't till i moved away from home and met my future wife that the symptoms finally disappeared . It felt so good , No fear , No Anxiety . She really did save my life . Since then there have been ups and downs there was a nice stretch of about 5 years that i felt as good as i did before my episode . The last 3 years its been a battle to get back to that peace and calm . Some days i have no fear , other days like today i worry about my health i am 28 and not in very good shape anymore carrying a good extra 30 pounds on my gut , im a smoker so sometimes i get that old fear for my heart . I will say i find this relaxing and talking about it does help .


Thank you for reading and i hope that if anything you see that your not aloneĀ 

2 comments

  • Comment Link gmazzini Sunday, 01 July 2012 23:53 posted by gmazzini

    "Reality melted around my perception had fundamentally changed i was viewing life in a way i didn't know existed."
    This really hit me. I've felt the same way no one understands!

  • Comment Link Michael Shelton Monday, 30 January 2012 01:25 posted by Michael Shelton

    It's like i just read a story of my life, I hate living like this, I have really bad hypochondriasis, and every single day I am worried about my health, I always think about my lungs, heart, brain, everything, i always think that I have a fatal disease. This all started after my first panic attack, it was so bad that I rushed to the ER. I feel your pain man, you're not alone.

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