Over five years ago, I married a man whom I thought would provide the support I was sorely lacking from my family as I was growing up. I was wrong.
Don't get me wrong. He's wonderful in some aspects of our marriage, but only if he gets some benefit from it. He's great at the intimate moments. He'll come over and give me a hug and kiss when I'm working on my computer, when he wakes up, and randomly throughout the day. He's great at making me smile and laugh. He's great to doing things he will benefit from. He's great at listening, when I want to bounce story ideas off him or when I talk about my goals. However, he will never ask me about my goals and my writing if I don't bring it up first. I do ask him about school and work. I encourage him to get help when he needs it and to keep going.
I don't get this from him. He knows how much my writing means to me. I'm not good, but it's the only talent I can say I have. But, he never asks me about it or my other goals unless I bring it up.
He seems to be completely oblivious when I get into depressive moods and will only comfort me if I say something. It's not as though I try to hide it. I pretty much stop eating. I'll lay around on the couch and do nothing but watch videos from Amazon's Instant Prime collection. I stop writing and playing video games. I've told him when I get like this it means I'm in one of my depressive moods. But, each time it occurs, he seems to remain oblivious.
He comes across as being very selfish as he only seems to fulfill the parts of the relationship that benefits him.
This has been going pretty much since we've been married. And I've talked to him about it time and time again. Each time he says he will do better, and he does, for a while, but then he reverts back to what he was doing before. I'm tired. I feel as though this is a one sided relationship. I feel as though we are roommates with benefits instead of husband and wife. I've told him that if he keeps it up I'm going to leave him. I can't be in another selfish relationship. Especially not now that I really need the support.
As I said, I have encouraged him. I even encouraged him to seek his own therapy for issues he was having. Some of his issues are similar to what I have: depression and low-self esteem. I encouraged him to seek help because I know what it is like to feel that way. It is no way to live. I just want him to be happy with himself.
He's been diagnosed with ADD. I can work with the fact that he can't seem to stay focused. I can't work with the selfish part of his personality. I can't live like this anymore, but I literally have no where to go. And, believe me, I've already gone over the list of family members in my head. None of them are in the position to take on someone with Social Anxiety issues. All of my friends that are relatively close by are the 'fair weather' types, so they aren't going to want anyone around who has issues. Besides, they have families to take care of. I'm not going to intrude. I can't go out on my own, because I can't hold down a job yet.
So, really all I have is my husband. I could go out to Yellowstone to work as a dishwasher. I might be able to handle that, but with my husband's ADD, how do I know I'll be able to come back to an apartment? I have to keep ontop of my husband to find a job. He doesn't have the drive to motivate himself and I can't trust that he'll keep ontop of the bills. That much was clear when we first go married.
Right now, I need my husband for the financial support and he needs me to keep his mind focused on what he needs to do so the worst doesn't happen because he can't focus or isn't motivated to do what needs done.
Hugs and kisses are nice, but they aren't what is most important to me. What is important is getting the support and encouragement in the areas of my goals and the little talent I might have. And I'm just not getting it. I don't know what to do. I feel trapped.