Lately, I have been feeling lost. I have concluded that it's partly due to my lack of Faith - in myself, God, life and others. I have lost my way. I walked away from the Catholic Church, and have been trying to come back for the past few feeks. I've been having a hard time accepting the fact that if God forgives me and loves me, then I should do the same. I've been having a difficult time letting my past go, thus causing anxious thoughts. I want to become a better person, and I feel at times that my past drags me down. I have spoken to m local Pastor about this, and I see a spiritual advisor once a week. I have gotten so much better over the past three months, but I sitll have a long way to go. I now read daily devotionals, passages from the Bible, go to Church every Sunday - truly try to be the best person who I can be. I fear death. I fear the afterworld. Perhaps a part of it is because I didn't think I desrved Heaven. Perhaps a part of it is that I never really gave it much thought. Perhaps, I just walked through the motions. I just did what I was told growing up, no questions asked. My parents said go to church, so I did. If I was told to not cheat, lie, steal, then I didn;t,. If I did, then I was punished. I was raised ina good home, with morals and values, and for that, I will forever be grateful.
So, why do I even possess anxiety? Perhaps it's God's way of calling me back to Him. Perhaps it was His way of opening my heart, and calling me. I heard Him. I am scared. I am nervous. I want to dive in whole heartedly and not be anxious. I do not want to fear Him. I shouldn't fear Him. I mean, God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, or sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way. If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it. That's what I am at least anyway. Now, I need to believe it. So, as I tyoe this, my heart is definitely fuller. My heart is happier. Perhaps because I am learning about God. I am learning about my Faith. Noone is forcing me to. I do what I am doing because I want to. I didn't give anything up for Lent this year. Instead, I make a point of reading a passage, or scriptuire message every day and send it to my best friend. So far, every day, we send eachother inspriational Biblical messages. It's been amazing. I am not writing this to shove religion down anyone's throghts. I am writing this because this is what heps me - prayer. Well, and Zoloft! Haha :) Kidding. Sorta.
Prayer is magnificant. The power of prayer is incredible. I took it for granted. I only hope God knows my heart. I only hope He can hear me cry. I only hope He knows I love him. I hope He knows I want to grow, change for the better. So, in conclusion, this anxiety has been bittersweet. It brought me back to God. It brought me back to the Catholic church. It brought me back to finding myself. Life is messy at times. It's totally okay to color outside the lines. I am learning. And, learning is good.
Sending postive vibes to you all.