I realize... I didn't use to feel bad about things before I stood up for me and my sibling.
No... I mean... I lived before.
I wasn't depressed, or anxious to begin with. I was a fighter, I was myself and fully living as who I am.
What happen was me being broken down.
Brick by brick. I lost something growing up, and I hided the things withing myself because I knew... if I kept feeling things I would completely break. I begun thinking of suicide quite early... first time I probably was around five years. It was worst in my teenages. But I didn't chose to feel like that.
Others brought me to that state, and I was alone. Everything, anything, it was just me.
I had dreams where I died, but I didn't mind them.
I experienced being stabbed in dreams, luring call of giving in... I am not the kind to give up, no matter my oponent or whatever I experience. I am a unyielding wild spirit inside. If anyone tried forcing me to things I didn't accept or respect, if there was violence involved I would never "follow orders". I did thinks if people asked me nicely, because that showed a sign of respect. My parents never showed me this respect.
It was so much, so much have been lost to me...
I wonder right now... how would it be like to be a child?
I grew up like a child, but I don't feel like I was a child. There was no one to trust in my life. No one.
Now I am looking at myself, and it's going to be the worst part yet.
I need to build up my pride, my sense of honor, myself... I feel like my castle, the one I was has been torn down. I am wild without a sanctuary. No place to hide. I grew fearful of tihngs, of people. How much has been torn down of me? I was such a person with honor and dreams. I want to live for others, all my life, I wanted to be someone for others. I don't want anyone to feel alone... yet... I have problems liking others.. I feel like such a disgrace to who I used to be. My distrust, my anxiety... it's disturbing to see what kinda results growing up in that kinda home has done to me. I am still me, but barely.
I almost died. I almost lost myself completely growing up.
If I hadn't hidden my emotions, closed myself within myself, I probably would be a lot worse.
But even as it's over, I don't know how society works.
I don't know how to be, because there was no one to teach me. I feel like a grand fault in this world... :/
I worry if I can build me up to who I was... I worry because I wanna be a fierce sun again, someone who don't give a damn as long as it's just. I wanna be a dreamer. I am a dreamer, but... it's like I am still chained.
I have built up one part of me again.
For that I have started to see myself in a new light. I don't have to be afraid. I am angry though. My fears are unreasonable. I need to grow, to build myself up... but I guess it's not an easy task. I wonder if I can do it. If I manage to do it, maybe I can burn again and help those I care for.
right now, I am worried if I even can help myself.
But someplace the change must start.
Step by step, on my own, I'll reclaim myself and live like I should have without such fears. I am certain I can overcome this is I continue in this direction. I am worried, but if I just get somewhere longer, I can live the life I wanted from the weary begining. I am never giving up my dreams. :)
I just feel like screaming out that I am never giving up somehow...
I need to believe in myself. It's one of the steps I need to take. :)