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Sunday, 09 November 2014 12:25

Intrusive Thoughts that Scares Me Dizzy

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I've been bothered by intrusive thoughts lately and they are not your run-of-the-mill brain farts. They're the kind of thoughts that when it crossed you it will make you go ''What the f*ck was that about?'', ''Oh, gross'' or just plain ''No.'' pair that with anxiety and you got yourself one hell of a horror ride.

Fortunately, they do go away, and your logical sense, and maybe even your sense of humor will rise above this distressing thoughts.

Mine started when I was about to go to sleep, I remember that I was feeling pretty tense already and one thought popped into my head ''I think I'm going crazy''. My body immediately responded with an increased heart rate and further anxious thinking about going nuts. I went downstairs to see who I could talk to and expected it to be my brother as he is a night owl. I told him what was happening.

Unfortunately my brother is very skilled at being a douche to me and told me scoffed at me and ignored me. From then on the intrusive thoughts have varied from afraid of bieng Schizophrenic, Suicidal, Incestuous, Murderous, and Ridiculous. Now, I would like to elaborate what triggered them so we can see how what anxiety does to you, how it blows everything out of proportion

The Schizophrenic fear I acquired when  I was studying for the Psychometrician Licensure Exam (I passed by the way), and the topics involved abnormal psychology, so there we go.

The Suicidal fear is given, I am aware of my current vulnerability given that I had a history of depression and suicidal ideation.

The Incest fear, I got this when I was watching the movie ''The Dreamers'' which has a semi-incestuous theme, since I was still pissed at my brother for being a douch, I was horrified at the incest and so intrusive thoughts of my incest wth bro ensued. Which is really gross.

The Murderous fear, I had a brief intrusive thought with me wanting to hurt or kill my family, but thinking about it now makes me sad.

The Ridiculous fear, most recently I had the fear of my mom or my family finding out that I don't believe in God. I was afraid that she will blame me for my Panic Anxiety because I don't believe in him and that is the cause of my suffering, that I am being punished for my atheism.

With respect to those with religious beliefs.

I was so scared that I tried to pray but it just made it worse cause believing in a god is just as ridiculous as my fears.

I've known about Schizophrenia before but I only got scared of it now, I've been suicidal before but I only got scared I would do it now, I've known my brother for as long as I remember but I only got scared of incest now. I've entertained the thought of hurting my family when I was angry but I only got scared of it now. I have been an atheist for three years now but I only got scared about it now.

The facts are, I am not a Schizophrenic, I am not suicidal anymore and I want to live, I am not sexually attracted to my brother, I don't want to kill or hurt my family, I love them, and I wouldn't want to hurt them even if I didnt love them, and I dont believe in God.

It's tough having this problem. It helps when I'm able to verbalize these thoughts and feelings, take them apart and separate the me from the anxiety. Of course, that's easier said than done, especially when you are currently experiencing the intrusive thoughts, leading to a panic attack.

The last time this happened to me (a couple or so hours ago) I was drunk with fear, unable to think straight. Trying my hardest to ignore, supress, and laugh off the intrusive, irrational, anxiety-induced thoughts.

It lasted throughout the day and it ended up with  my heart rate reaching 121 per minute, I just let the feelings come through and breathed into a paper bag until, gradually, I felt better.

It ends, and I continue living.

 

 

 

Last modified on Monday, 10 November 2014 18:32

7 comments

  • Comment Link Janna Rae Thursday, 26 November 2015 16:43 posted by Janna Rae

    Chris730, your words give me so much comfort, thank you.

  • Comment Link Janna Rae Thursday, 26 November 2015 16:42 posted by Janna Rae

    Thank you for sharing your experience jmellio. It helps to know im not alone.

  • Comment Link Jmellio Tuesday, 06 January 2015 01:05 posted by Jmellio

    This reminds me of times in the car that I would lock the door out of fear of myself grabbing the handle to open it. I understand the random horrible thoughts and fears that ensue. I've learned to try to distract myself as soon as I feel the fear starting to consume my mind and body. Its very hard though, sometimes if I look in the mirror and see that I am physically fine, I can calm myself enough to distract my mind.

  • Comment Link Chris730 Friday, 19 December 2014 21:40 posted by Chris730

    Interesting read; it's very courageous of you to write it all out. A lot of people can relate to having these intrusive thoughts; myself most certainly included. I've struggled with thoughts of extremely violent, perversely sexual or blasphemous in nature. As someone who does believe in God, I'm pretty disturbed by them. Over the centuries, religion has done a great job in planting fear and paranoia in people's minds. (Please note that I'm talking specifically about religion here, not God. The two are not the same). Whatever your beliefs are, chances are that you're influenced by these fears; the fact that you're afraid of telling your family about your beliefs seems to confirm that. The good news is you're at the right place here, talking to people who know how you feel and won't judge you. Keep working on yourself, and have faith in your ability to get better.

  • Comment Link bijou Monday, 17 November 2014 04:58 posted by bijou

    I understand your suffering!

    I have experienced these types of thoughts with a full range of unpleasant images.

    What has helped me is about an hour before bedtime turn off the television and or/quit any mentally stimulating activities, a wind down time. You may also want to avoid eating sweets after 8pm.

    The chemicals that are released when we panic are so powerful and strong, its easy to forget how they are affecting not only the body but the mind. When we stop physical activity and are just laying down those chemicals still at work cause all kinds of thought activity.

    I agree with finding something or someone to comfort you. I put together a comfort kit, a sachet- something made with a lavender (the scent can be very calming), a tiny stuffed dog and funny toys, some pictures and postcards, flashlight, a little radio, hot water bottle, a little tin of violet candies from France, a string of prayer beads, a few books that always put me to sleep, and a little brown paper bag to breathe into if I feel am hyperventilating.

    I try to let the thoughts just pass through without too much concern of what they are.

  • Comment Link Janna Rae Monday, 10 November 2014 14:34 posted by Janna Rae

    Thanks Holly, I will definitely take you up on that offer. Do you get those visuals of the stuff you're afraid you'll do?

  • Comment Link hollyhwell Monday, 10 November 2014 04:54 posted by hollyhwell

    I'm so sorry you go through this. I know I have the same issue. When my anxiety gets bad, I feel like I am going insane and become really nervous that something is seriously wrong with me. I get nervous that I'll do something horrible or that I will plain lose my mind. I get really suicidal and freak out completely. But what I've learned lately is that that is the anxiety talking. When that happens, I remind myself first of where I am at the moment. I look around and remind myself exactly what is happening and that I am here on earth right now and everything is fine. Then I try to calm down my breathing by breathing in for 4, holding it for 4, and breathing out for 4. Rocking back and forth calms me down too. And calling someone you trust helps too. You are free to message me any time you're having troubles or even posting on this group has helped me a lot when I freak out. I hope it gets better. What you're saying isn't embarrassing, it's what you feel.

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