There comes a point in your life, when all the things you wanted and thought you needed, actually come to fruition. It is bizarre and shocking to begin with, because it turns out those things actually are as simple and easy as they seem, it just takes a long time to get them and know how to accept them. Nothing that is worth having comes easy.
Finding Love is like learning to hold your alcohol. At first you love the sensation that being inebriated brings, until you realise you fell head over heels for it, and found yourself broken at the end of the stint. Then once you have learnt how to drink, and what not to drink, and how much is best for you, that you have control over what it is you need from alcohol. Much like Love.
I too listened to endless reels of advice, and read mindless reams of horoscopes, watched rom-coms, and even asked my Mum what it was like finding love with Dad. Apparently like the lovely romantic fairytale it should be. Well, apart from getting pregnant with me extremely young and not having financial stability but making all that work round the three of us.
Essentially finding Love is different to everyone because it is what you want from Love, what you expect of it. Love is not jealous, or proud, it is patient and kind, willing and open. Love really is like the things in life you take small pleasure in. Warm sunlight hitting your face, a cool breeze on a hot day, the affection of a child or animal. Love is slipping into a long hot bubble bath with a glass of wine and candles. Think of those things you love most that make you smile the most, that is what Love is, and it is what you find when you find all those small things embodied in one person. Then you and that said person become one and the same person. The family unit is already half way there, some people have a dog others have a baby, either way the unit always needs another element to complete it. This is ultimate love, to share these wondrous treasures with someone or something else in the equation.
I knew what I wanted and it definitely involved children, and at least one animal. I have known since I was a little girl, my baby names were picked out at about 13 years old, the dog would be a Labrador obviously, a good family dog. On a serious note, now that life seems to be taking off I feel slightly more ill prepared.
Apart from the nasty downturn in the economy, I had my child bearing hips, enormous maternal instinct and lust for life’s adventure. The question was how do you know when it’s your time?
Although I now have at least three of the things I wanted to have sorted by the age of 30 I am still fearing the Journey and letting my OCD affect my common sense! I have a beautiful partner the naughtiest, but cutest Dog and a network of friends and family who I love and love me dearly back.
Something continually takes hold and rocks the boat, I am on medication (still) 150mg (my dose has increased twice in the last year- with the most you can be prescribed at 200mg) and I have had counselling, which was effective (I got a book out of this too 'The Wind is My Mother' by Bear Heart and Molly Larkin- look it up its worth the search- an alternative to popular self help book 'The Secret') and then there is my home life I have a stable relationship, and a steady job I enjoy.
However, I am still feeling lost?! How can she be I hear you say- she has all these amazing things, sure she is on meds and dealing, but surely the rest of it helps??
Well, I still suffer with travelling- this is one of my main Anxiety issues, Trains are the worst, although it may be flying as I won’t even entertain that- I haven’t been abroad for 8 years. Then there are issues with my confidence and self esteem, I think I am fat, ugly and bad at life, because I am 30 and not in a high flying job owning a house, my own car or carrying a child under each arm at 30 and 3 quarters.
The issue is I am only being hard on myself, no-one else is! I am scared. Scared I am infertile (when the time DOES come) that we won’t be ever financially secure to buy a house and afford a child. I am scared I need to no longer need medication, as I do not wish to share this drug with my unborn. SO naturally I feel I need to fix that pronto. I am scared that I will be too ill (mentally) to cope with pregnancy and being a mum, which I will be awful at it and unable to cope, proving everyone right that I am not, as I feel I am presently not a 'real' Adult! I also can’t drive- and at 30 people look at you like this is a crime of some sort. So I don’t even have the option to look further afield for work or look after a child the way I would like
None of these things however are necessary for me to berate myself about- it’s a vicious cycle I am in, and the only person that can help me is ME. The lights are on, but I am half in half out the door!