I just can't seem to get out of this mood I'm in. I'm depressed, anxious, feel helpless and out of control. I drink too much, I don't get along with people and if I'm not at work, I'm in bed. It's time for this to stop, but I don't know how to get out of the spiral I'm in.
I keep having dreams, getting religious stations on my radio, seeing various things all with the common factor of basically "giving this to God". I was born a Roman Catholic. I haven't practiced in almost 15 years. There's so much hypocrisy in religion it makes me ill.
So here's my deal. In December of last year, my Dad suffered a major stroke which left him unable to speak (my Mom passed in 2011). In January, my Husband kicked me out, I totalled my car and I lost my job. I now drive a '99 Taurus station wagon to my $10 per hour job (which I love, btw) and live in a basement bedroom for $400 a month. I'm in so much debt, I'm trying to save up enough money to file for bankruptcy.
In May, my son turned the "legal age of majority" (19) and graduated high school. He's chosen to live with his paternal Grandfather so he can be near his girlfriend (who truly is a lovely girl). But, I'm like, empty nesting or something. I feel like I've lost my purpose. And I feel like a failure. I am 39, twice divorced, broke and broken. I have daily anxiety attacks. I haven't slept all night in months. I get furious at stupid things, and I'm incredibly jealous of people with "happy" lives - yet I don't have the courage to do anything to make myself happy. I'm scared to drive somewhere new to try out something new. I'm looking for spirituality without religion. I have no confidence and every week I make myself the promise that THIS is the week I start trying to lose weight. And then I go buy pizza and a 12 pack of Dr Pepper, candy bars and chips.
I know the only one who can fix this is me. I've been to the Dr. I've changed up my meds. Talk therapy does not work for me. I feel like I'm hashing and re-hashing all this bad stuff for no reason, there's never any resolution to it, you just keep talking about it. I'm actually considering hypnotherapy. But there too, I would actually have to get there. I have this weird problem with going places I don't know where exactly they are at. If I schedule an appointment, I often times will drive there several times in advance and scope out the building if possible (go inside, find the path to the office and retrace my steps several times). Yes, I'm weird. But this is why spontanaiety doesn't work for me. If a friend calls and says "Hey, let's go do this!" I can't because I didn't have time to rehearse. It's overwhelming, and I am not very good with people (probably figured that out at the "twice divorced" part) . I am very noise sensitive so crowds or noisy bars or restaraunts don't work for me.
I want to get better, but I don't know, am I too broken to fix? And am I worth fixing? After all, who's going to want me?