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Wednesday, 27 April 2016 22:13

My story

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I have had anxiety in varying degrees since the sixth grade.   I can recall my first panic attack as clear as day.   I was in pre algebra and had no idea what to do so I just raised my hand.   I recall not even really being there but everyone starting at me.   My teacher asked if I felt sick because I was so pale.   I just nodded yes and went to the bathroom.   I later confided in what I deemed to be a good friend about it, now mind you i had no idea what "it" was at the time, so she spread it all over the school and it became a point of ridicule.  Beyond that I didbt years struggling with what I didn't know.   I had a harrowing childhood to say the very least,  I've endured every kind of abuse possible at the hands of basically every adult in my life.  Eventually I spoke to my mom about what was going on,  3 or 4 years after it started,  and age explained it sounded like anxiety.  Just knowing what it could be was the most freeing thing.   I was inevitably started on Zoloft.  I had adverse reactions,  became suicidal and was put in a program for troubled kids.   Well I once again confided it what I consisted to be another very good friend.   She spread it around that I went crazy, and once again my mental health was a point of ridicule among my peers.  I then went for years pretty clear and free from anxiety.   I met my now fiance at 15, we traveled and moved and life was great for the first time ever.   Until the birth of my first daughter.   I noticed during my pregnancy I became more and more anxious and once she was born I wasnt even myself anymore.  I had my second daughter almost immediately.  My fiance worked 3rd shift and I couldn't bear to be alone,  so I would go to my mother's every single night.  It only got better when I moved closer to my mom and he switched shifts.  I assumed this was just a post partum issue so I got over it pretty well with time, therapy,  and hypnosis.   Fast forward a few years and I'm certain I'm all better.  I start nursing school,  on top of two jobs.   I end doing out because my anxiety comes back and I'd borderline crippling.  I am now at a dead end I feel.  I lost my job in january, not related to the anxiety, but now I can barely leave my house.  I'm home a while day long and I'm an anxious wreck until anyone comes home.   While my fiance is fantastic he gets frustrated that I won't even try to go places.  I just know I'll feel like shit, I don't want to have a freak out in front of my daughters,  and don't want to ruin their time when I have to turn around and go home.   I honestly feel that they would do better without me around at this point.   I feel ashamed, I've missed so much of their lives, my life, and the people I lives lives because of this disorder.   I hold it to myself because I know how many times is been thrown back in my face.   I am trying, but everyday is a struggle. 

Last modified on Wednesday, 27 April 2016 22:28
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4 comments

  • Comment Link lopowerto Friday, 17 July 2020 12:47 posted by lopowerto

    I`m so sorry for your problem, I hope you`ll be fine, you just need a help of your family, because they are the closest people in the world. Somtimes we forget that our family means a lot to us, to remember this we need to use special services like https://celltrackingapps.com/how-to-hack-someones-phone-camera/ and only then we will feel safe

  • Comment Link Janelle Peters Monday, 23 May 2016 16:20 posted by Janelle Peters

    I know exactly where you are with this. I started out like that in 7th grade. I was sitting at the table at home and I looked into the living room and everything seemed to have disappeared, but not really. I was in a different surreal state or dream state. I could see things, but they didn't register. I could hear things, but they seemed like it was way off in the distance; even though the sound was right in front of me. This lasted for months...then it turned into an all the time anxiety issue that would continue off and on for the next 33+years. I had the same issues as you with the birth of each child. The anxiety and depression symptoms were worse when I was carrying a girl. Now, both of my daughters have anxiety and depression issues themselves. So, your are not alone in your struggle. I struggle yearly, monthly, daily, hourly, minute by minute, and second by second. You are not alone...

  • Comment Link ceran Tuesday, 17 May 2016 14:28 posted by ceran

    Hello,
    I just wanna say YOU WILL HEAL. Believe me , I understand you are having such a difficult time, I say that YOU WILL HEAL 100%
    Visit a doctor.He will prescribe an antidepressant probably.If antidepresant doesnt affect you good please talk the dr and let him change your medicine. Every medicine is different on many people.
    Please dont worry about not recovering, you will.. After you are better, before quiting the meds, you may continue theraphy...Than you will have chance to solve the source of your problem.
    Belive me it is just your brain chemistry..And it is healed in our century..You will be fine :)

  • Comment Link David Privitera Thursday, 12 May 2016 00:38 posted by David Privitera

    keep trying never give up. finding this site was probably the best thing for you. everyone here has the same issues and we can relate, and that's the best feeling, knowing your not alone in this world with these thoughts

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