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May 16Th 2016 Featured

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   Today I had an awful day. I felt like I was in this fog all day and I was so moody. My body felt weak and numb, it felt I was walking around in someone else's skin. I tried talking to mom about it because we are so close but I've come to realize that when it comes to my anxiety and depression she takes the good old "sweep it under the rug" approach. Her thoughts today on my mood were as follows; "Is there something wrong? Are youand your boyfriend fighting? Are you close to that time of the month? Why do you let your phone calls with grandma upset you? You know she has no filter and just says the first thing that pops in her mind. You should be so happy, Matt(my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years) just got back from Italy after being away for four months and you guys are going to Disney World in a few days! Everyone has bad days, you just have to push the feelings aside and carry on. Be on a strong and happy face." It's those last two that get me, if she knew how much I wished I could put on a strong happy face she would never say that and if she knew how irratating it is to hear her say "everyone has bad days." Yes they do but it's so different when your dealing with depression and anxiety. The feelings are over powering and push down on you like a ton of bricks. You get put under this heavy steel blanket and until your mind and body decide it's time to be part of society again, you can't move. It amazes me that a woman who use to work in a psychiatric hospital can still say things like that and push my disorder aside. Growing up I was so depressed and so anxiety ridden I attempted sucide and I never got professional help. Some school counslors here and there but nothing helpful. I don't blame my mom for any of that, she just didn't want to believe that her daughter could be in such a state but I do wish she would handle my really bad days and my panic attacks a little better. I'm a singer so most the time on my good days I'm singing and writing songs and happy. Even on some of my bad days I'm doing 2 out of 3 of those things of those things but on days like today I don't want to do anything. I don't want to talk or move or eat or sing or write. Nothing. Nothing can bring me up and thats what most people don't understand. Yes I am on medicine. Yes it works, I feel better then I did growing up but that doesn't mean days like today just disappear, they just go into hidiing for a litttle while. I'm still just a human being and I need someone 
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