This question, and many others, have plagued me for quite some time. Yet, I cant help but think to myself maybe (just maybe) I'm not the only one?
I know I'm not the only one who suffers from a mental illness, or a disorder. While this is true, I cannot help but wonder is there anyone else out there who isolates themselves from others, or keeps people at a distance in attempt to save them from having to deal with your issues?
Or, do things like Stays Single, Keeping Family and Friends at a Distance, Avoids public places and holiday events from being petrified to be around anyone in the fear of being judged or stigmatized, along with being consumed with fear of being triggered, frustrated, or irritated? Which only throws you into (what seems like) an endless downward spiral of uncontrollable thoughts and emotions where there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel. Which can last from hours on end, if not a couple of days.
Yet, at the same time, wanting SO BAD for someone to talk to, or a friend to turn to, who will accept you, be you're friend through thick and thin?
When, In fact, all you can find is the saddening comfort of solitude and the deafening quiet of the four walls you call home? Or, the awkward silence from those who say they are your friend when you turn to them for help. Or worse, them avoiding you like you were the plague?
While most of this happens in my own life. I can't even begin to put into words how terribly lonely it all can be. As I have spent an obscene amount of time isolated and alone.
I often feel as if I'm trapped in a self made solitary confinement with no door on either wall. And the messed up part of it all is? I do this all to myself.
Issues such as bipolar/ ptsd can indeed be difficult to handle for others who don't know, or for that matter don't want to know about them. Yet, it would simply be a breath of fresh air to actually have a friend to open up and communicate with. Someone who not only is nonjudgmental and accepting, but also is able to see past the mental illness and see a person, not just the illness/ disorder itself.
Yet, day in and day out, “the mask” is put on. For no one see's the depressed lonely person in front of them. They simply see the mask. While the face hidden behind the facade weeps and craves for genuine human interaction.
Was just curious if anyone else out there goes through the same thing or am I the only one?
As I ask that question, many more bombard me as I bring this to a close. ..... Is there really anything wrong with me? Is it really what some of my old friends (who are no longer my friend, mind you) said? That it's all in my head. Am I making it all up or making excuses? I mean, I've known for a long time, after being hit by a vehicle at age 7 (and dying in the process), that I was different from others around me. Yet, if there is nothing wrong with me, why do I stay so isolated, so secluded away from society? Why can't I walk past my front door and go to the store to get food and supplies? Or yet, have a relationship or keep friends?
So many questions, I know. Yet, I can't help but sit here and wonder. Am I making myself out to be worse then it is? Which is why I'm here writing this now, wondering, is there anyone else out there that goes through the same things? Or is it all a figment of my imaginations run rampant in my head? I'm sitting here driving myself crazy, stressing, day in and day out wondering all this.