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Thursday, 16 June 2016 22:40

Wondering

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I have always been incredibly hard on myself, but I think now more than ever at this point in my life. I will be 27 this fall, and I feel like the walls are closing  in on me. I feel that my depression and anxiety are spinning out of control--and worst of all, it is hurting my SO because I have so much trouble controlling it. He tries to do much for me, and we have been in a frustrating living situation--and he is working to move us into an apartment by the winter. I got really upset with him because he wants to finish his minor which is going to probably take another six months--and I got so upset because I want to go back to college as soon as possible to pursue an associate's in creative writing with a minor in art. I just feel like there is always something preventing me from going back to school and that it keeps taking longer and longer and I just want to get out of this dead end jobs that I have been in for almost ten years. And I feel so frustrated with myself--so angry--because I feel like I am a selfish prick for thinking of myself. But--depression/anxiety is so hard in retail--it can really be a nightmare. Luckily, I think I have found a good for now job. But I want more--I want to go to college as soon as possible to get a degree in something that i LOVE and not be some loser selling greeting cards.  THe upside is that I have a good amount of time to work on my fantasy series--I'm almost ready to send out my first novel to publishers. So--is there a point to wanting more--and straining to better outselves? Is the strain worth it--or is it better just to be like--I'll get to college someday and even though I work at this dumb job I am soon to be an author, I'm a really creative person, and I have an amazing SO! Is just accepting what we have defeat. I mean--fuck this rat race. Why do I do this to myself? Sometimes I listen to Joni Mitchell...and I'm just like...her idea of daily life is perfect.

2 comments

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  • Comment Link Frey Tuesday, 01 November 2016 04:19 posted by Frey

    I know you wrote this a while back so you might not even see this anytime soon but I just joined the site a couple days ago and came across your post just now. Your story is much similar to mine down to the fact that I am also 27 years old and have been in the soul draining retail field since my first job back in high school. I also have dreams of college and a degree in something I'm passionate about but one thing you seem to have going for you is that you already know what it is that you want to do and have in fact been doing it, even possibly having something published soon. So I say kudos to you and keep up the grind. As for me I'm still working on figuring out what it is that I can really commit to and find joy in so until then I try not to beat up myself too much about it all. Again thanks for sharing your story and best of luck!

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