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July 19th, 2016

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I miscommunicated plans, because they changed different times. You told me to get out of the house, 'You've been down in the dumps, it would be good for you to see friends'. 

You would never say that type of thing to my face would you? Basically imply that I'm stupid because I misunderstood what you were saying. I've never said ANYTHING like that to you, what makes you think it's okay for you to be that rude and blatantly uncaring for my feelings. You know know that I have been working on myself and my anxiety and everything else. Do you understand how difficult it was for me to decide to finally go to the doctor about my anxiety/depression and mental health problems.

Do you think that I do not know how much my anxiety and such bothers you? Do you not think that it eats me alive watching how, normally tender, you are with me knowing what it's doing to you when I can't explain why I am sitting in tears because I feel so useless? Anxiety is hard on everyone involved, always. 


I know you were mad because your friend was basically 'forcing' you to come to the movies with me because he gets it more than you do, but I would have gotten over it. I always do, because I'm always the accomodator, I think I always and forever will be. 

Now I don't even know how this interview is going to fucking go. 

I thought today was a good day, I was full of what felt like renewed energy, but now I am back to feeling fatigued and drained. I've had oatmeal, a mars bar (I was shaky and faint), and a chicken burger. Now I feel sick to my stomach, and maybe that's just nerves for this job interview but this isn't helping. 

I explained to you the pens theory, and you seemed to get it. Some days have more pens than others, some days get pens added to them, some get taken away. Today seems to be a take them away day. 


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We are a community of people struggling with mental health issues, you are not alone!