Hey everyone. I'm a new member to this site and i just wanna see if there is anyone with the same "problem" as me. This is my first time reaching out to people to talk about the "real" me and talk about my real feelings and thoughts. So, if there is just ONE who has the time to respond me, i would really really appreciate it. I'm not here to make anyone feel sorry for me or anything. I just want to know if there is anyone else who feel the same way as i do. Lets skip to the important part, the part that is sad but also true about life in general.
I’ve always been a guy who says what I think, do as I want, even though I make sure I don’t step over the “line” and I’m taking care of things such as working and making money and everything else that is a part of being an “adult”. But a year or two ago I started to think about life and this stage in my life I felt I started to take control over things and see life in general so much more clear for the first time in my life! I’ve always been a guy who never knows what I want to do in life. Could never really sattle down and say to myself: “Okey, I wanna work with this when I get older”. Or “This makes me happy, so I should focus on this when I feel sad and maybe one day I will become REALLY fucking good at this”. I’ve been able to do that. I’ve always done the things my mom told me and done the things everyone else does (while I was a student and went to school, I did the things that was “cool” just because I felt a “must” that I needed to be like the other cool kids to be a part of this Society.)
But now, after 2 years almost, I’ve come to the point where I can feel that I’ve grown up and become the man I will always be. This is a sad but true point of view in this world. People are as fake as they can be, a few are better at faking then others. But everyone who can live with their life and NEVER be sad or mad at the Society we today live in and goes to work 5 times a week to be able to buy a new car or something else that will “emblematize” their personality or to go on a trip to a different country to “relax” are a bunch of fucking stupid robots. Instead of realize that their life at “home” is a big fucking misery where they do the same thing day in and day out to get a imaginary amount of money on their bank account to go on a trip for a week or two to get the energy to go back home and do everything OVER AGAIN until next year when they get their “time off” (which usually is 2-3 weeks). Year after year people do this, without killing themselves or without doing anything about this? I don’t get it.
Like I said earlier, I know for the first time in my life who I am for real. But still, I have no fucking clue what I’m supposed to work with. I mean it’s the biggest choice in my life!! WHAT AM I GOING TO WORK AS/WITH?! And this question continues to go on repeat In my head. And I could probably find an answer, but I don’t want to… Because I mean, why do I wanna be a part of this working machine? Why would I wanna work my ass off my entire life to get a few “flashy” things that I can show off to people I don’t really like or care about? No matter what, people will work 80% of their time awake. Either to make sure that you can get the newest Ferrari before the next one comes, or to make sure you can take care and pay for your children.
This is where I start to be so uninterested in people in general. I did forget to tell you that I don’t really like people. It’s not that I can’t be faking happiness and kindness, but I’ve lost all energy to be faking. I don’t have the strength to pretend anymore that life is a great thing and everything is perfect and the things that make people happy is a “perfect job”, a husband/wife, atleast one kid, a big fucking house that I won’t have time to take care of, but somehow I find away to get time to take care of that aswell (by stressing out and feel like shit), work as hard as I can so I can buy things so my “friends” will see that I’m such a great and perfect dude AND many other things that is so unreal and so insane to have as a “life goal”.
At work I cry sometimes, because I’m so tired of this shit. I get panic attacks and feel so depressed that I sometimes would like to take my life away right here and right now. But today I realized why I feel this bad just at work, it’s because I’m surrounded by people that live in this “bubble” that I was just talking about. They are so brainwashed by the system and society so they can’t tell if they are faking their happiness to hide their real feelings or not anymore. But I can tell, I can see the misery the live in. I can just by sitting down over a cup of coffee with them to see how boring and depressing their life is. They always talk about how happy they are. How great their kids are, just because they got a new job with a higher salary. That their kids or someone close to them just bought a new big and beautiful house. Or something else that is even more uninteresting and pointless. I mean what’s the point with life nowadays? Is it to get as much money as you can before you die? Is those few weeks off from work worth the struggle and the misery? When the money goes to either pointless stuff such as flashy stuff to make others notice you or to just to stay alive (depending on how much IQ you was born with and how high your grades are, because everything depends on that when it comes to who gets the “best” job with the highest salary).
This makes me so angry at the same time. Lucky me I’ve grown up and learned how to control my anger (which I couldn’t do when I was younger..). If it doesn’t make me angry, I get anxiety and depressed. The more I’m around people like this (in other words 99% of all people in this world) the more i realize how much life sucks. The more I realize I’m not meant to be in this world. I’m not like the others. I can’t close my eyes and live the life that everyone else can without noticing the things that I bring up in this post. The only time I can control my feelings and actually “enjoy” life, is when I’m with my friends or when I’m numb (mostly when I’m numb). I’ve had so many friends in my life, but I’ve stopped talking to them. I have broken the contact with most of them over the past two years. Just because I can’t be around them anymore, because they’ve become the same as everyone else. Which we people nowadays call “life”.
I could talk about this for ever. I have so much on my mind when it comes to this, but I have to stop myself sometimes so I won’t take the next step, which is killing myself. I’m not afraid of death anymore. I’ve stopped crying over my best friend that took an overdose a few weeks ago. Because now I can understand how he felt. Now I can understand what he meant when we talked about things like this. I’m sad because he’s not a part of my life anymore, but at the same time I feel a relief that he died in such a painless way. He can now close his eyes and never take another look at this shitty world.
The only thing that stop me from killing myself is my mom, dad and sister. I’m not sure they can understand this. Not sure if they can feel the pain I feel. See and understand what I can see and understand. Not sure if they can see the world as it is and realize how worthless it is. I don’t think they will be able to think “death is not a bad thing. It’s the only way to real freedom”.