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Oh where to start.. I suppose by introducing myself. 

My name is Cassandra (a.k.a: Turbo Penguin), I'm (almost) 27 and I live in Ontario, Canada. I have had issues with anxiety since... god knows when it really started. 

See when I first started to have issues with anxiety was when I was very young. I vaguely remember going to my parents (adopted at the time) and saying it felt like someone was on my chest, that I couldn't breath, and that I didn't feel good. They would say that it was either guilt or that it was growing pains, it would go away. 

It wasn't until many many years later that I was able to get a name to this issue and then I started to actually understand and be able to begin even understanding anything that was going on with me. I started to see a counsellor and try to begin working through some issues, but that didn't work out so well, I started to fear and not trust her, then it lead to feelings of judgement and dishonour, which then started the cycle... I wouldn't go to see her, and then what I thought was having a handle on the anxiety lead to dangerous behaviours, getting depressed worse, and more frequent until it was almost a state of always. I'd drink, and do other things that I'm not proud of, but it was how I coped - if I didn't care; then how would anything bug me? Simple: It won't because you're numb and down enough that it's just pointless to even spare a thought. I then got really, really sick. To the point where I could not stay awake for even five minutes, or to have a conversation with someone. I'd fall asleep waiting for the bathroom. It was crazy. The doctor I went and saw said it was  depression and put me on a strong does of Xanax. I slept even more. Even better - I started getting even more sick, with a cold from hell, I was going through 2-3 rolls of toilet paper blowing my nose, I couldn't keep food down, breathing was near impossible, a friends mother said I had pneumonia, but I slept and slept and slept. At about 10-11 weeks in to this insanity I started being awake more often. I was regaining life, and got myself a new job... the original ad said part time 15-20 hrs a week. After we did training we were told it was 40 hrs a week. Most people would be happy, but I wasn't... it was too much, too soon. So I tried to tough it out and make it through. I ended up leaving there very soon after starting. 

 

You see, there are some things that will trigger anxiety in me - new job, work, starting something new, going somewhere new - one may say that I fear the unknown, so much so that my body starts to malfunction. I still to this day have not overcome this big step, but I'm trying to work on it. 

I'm starting my new job today - maybe all my anxiety is for nothing. 

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2 comments

  • Comment Link Terbo Pinguin Wednesday, 25 July 2012 16:50 posted by Terbo Pinguin

    Well I got a few minutes in and had so many system issues. But luckily the lady who owns the business I'm under is very compassionate and has been working closely with me. We're hoping tomorrow will be a better day.

  • Comment Link Asho_DirtyPoo Wednesday, 25 July 2012 15:29 posted by Asho_DirtyPoo

    We are very similar, you and I, Cassandra! I am also almost (September) 27, in Ontario, and starting a new job (tomorrow)...and I, too, fear the unknown, and am always, always triggered by change.

    Neat.

    I hope your first day goes well!

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