I remember being a little kid, and learning what happiness was. Sure, most people know what happiness feels like, and I'm no exception. But I'm talking about that blissful happiness you see in the movies, too. The kind where tears of joy stream down the face of the happy person, because they're just so overwhelmingly pleased about something. I recall trying to make myself feel as happy as the people in those movies, and as happy as I assumed others were, but I could never be that joyous.
I would sit up, at 3am and onwards, staring into the TV, wondering why I couldn't be as happy as other people were. Wondering why things had to be so difficult, every day, while other people got to be happy. Pondering whether the only tears I'd ever cry would be sad ones.
Anxiety was my respite from sadness. Not anxiety like somebody gets before a date, or during an exam, but a fear so intense that it literally made me collapse. My oasis in a desert of depression was a crippling surge of terror that would come at unpredictable and frequent times.
But then I found a way to get some of that happiness for myself. No, it wasn't religion, nor was it from a bunch of platitudes like "True happiness is inside us all." No, it was a real solution. A solution that worked, and was known to work because of the science behind it. Some of it came from maturity, but a lot of my newfound ability to feel joy came from drugs. Antidepressants, and other medicine, to be precise.
Yes, beautiful, magnificent, trialled, tested, and approved by science drugs. Some may say "But drugs aren't the answer. They're unnatural, and true happiness comes from learning to listen to what your body and mind need." But those people are deluded. Now I can be joyful, from time to time. I can have days where I'm not afraid to leave my room, and days where I can go to school, and I can do many things I could never have done before.
I'm not cured. I may never be cured. I may never be able to do everything that regular people can do, but that's ok. Because compared to how I was, and how horrible life seemed, now I feel free.