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A Hard Month, Impossible Anxiety and Panic Attacks!

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Last month, on September 3rd, I had a huge panic attack out of nowhere after coming home from IHOP at 3am in the morning. I felt some strong social anxiety at IHOP and knew something was wrong, but I freaked out about an hour after I got home and lost it, and thought I was having a heart attack! I wasn't of course, but when it had happened I felt so weak I thought I was going to collapse, my head was spinning A LOT, and I felt impending doom. After they dealt with me at the hospital by giving me fluids and some ativan through an IV, I had complained to them about my stomach being all torn up recently. It was IBS type symptoms, but I wasn't specific because I was just getting over my biggest panic attack ever. So, they gave me Nexium, and some ativan. I took the Nexium and before you knew it, my stomach BLEW UP! All of a sudden I had acid reflux, I couldn't sleep in my bed, because the acid would run up my esophagus and was causing me to be extremely nauseous and the acid was slamming against my gastric ulcer, or ulcers constantly. I was not only full of anxiety, but now, I was constantly scared that I was dying because of my issues!

I went to my doctor the next day and got her to give me a prescription for Buspar. As a back story, I've been on Lexapro for years, but about three years ago I complained to my doc that the sexual side affects were too much, and I was far too tired all of the time. I had been seeing someone and I wanted to be able to "perform", so, we tried new medications. NOTHING worked. Everything was worse than the Lexapro. Cymbalta made me so that I couldn't walk across the room at work, Pristique made my heart pound through my chest, I tried Celexa again, and it just was a no go. Must have been because of the Lexapro, and so, it was deemed that nothing was working and I was very susceptible to the side affects of all this medicine, so he gave me a prescription for Xanax and told me to hang in there. Which, I did, until the last part of last year when I started having an extremely hard time. I started having constant anxiety, and I could NOT shake it. I told him, and I may have tried Lexapro again, that slips my mind, but I guess the side affects were still too much. So, for the last three years, I've been off and on meds, but more OFF them, and that came back to haunt me last month when I had the worst panic attack I've had in 11 years, and am continuing to deal with it as we speak.

I've come dependent on the Xanax, and the Buspar at 20mg, 2x per day does not seem to do the job entirely. I have been haunted by dark thoughts of dying now and at an old age, so dying at all and I can't stop my mind from racing. I am having more and more mini-panic attacks, I just had a crazy episode not two hours ago that has just let up. I can't exactly call my doctor now because it's a Saturday, but I believe I need to be tapered off the Buspar and back onto the Lexapro. I still have a full bottle, so it is possible to start immediately but I don't want to do ANYTHING without his approval.

I've since quit the Nexium and calmed my stomach down with a Aloe Vera Stomach Formula drink and Zantac, with more natural stuff on the way, but even though my stomach has improved the last few days, my stress still tears at it, and I'm still suffering from harsh night time reflux and have to sit up in my chair. Nevermind that before the Nexium, I never had this problem. IF I had a hiatal hernia, it certainly never bothered me with the short episodes, which were few and far between. I've had to change doctors because the last one didn't take me seriously about the problems the Nexium was causing, which included sending a pulse to my chest and making my arms and neck buzz and tingle that kept me from sleeping at night, and the new doctor tried Prilosec, which worked, but had the same symptoms, and between that and the BUSPAR I could barely operate. So, since maybe Thurs. of last week, I've been on Zantac and Aloe Vera, with antacids. I'm hoping that gets better sooner than later because it's making me stress more! It's one big vicious cycle. He also setup an appoint with a specialist to get me scoped from both ends to confirm my IBS/Ulcers, and probably Acid Reflux issues and make sure nothing worse was going on in there, which, in itself, has me frightened, because of the unknown of the tests and if there could be anything worse going on with me. I'm not bleeding from either end, so if there is, I can only imagine at the very least it's not advanced staged. I think that in itself is crazy however also, because more than likely it's just a more sever form of IBS and a few Ulcers getting slammed by the Acid that the Nexium made 100% worse for weeks on end until i figured it out!

So here I sit, tripping like crazy, trying to keep my mind off all of this negative stuff while waiting on getting the endoscopy and colonoscopy all at the same time. All of this weighs heavily on me. I can't even make it in to work and had to get the boss to do a schedule change for me, which I'm hoping will eleviate some of the stress, since my schedule is 5:45am, and I haven't been able to sleep at night. So now, I'm gonna work at night, try and sleep during the day.

I am NOT doing well right now and I'm having a very hard time! I may even have to go ahead and let my car go because I'm missing so much work. Which means, I will have to call the bank and negotiate some type of return and then pay off any excess balance that I might be upside down on over time and ruin my credit on top of that I imagine. I just can't afford to live like I had been and that would be the first thing to go. :(

I just want my life back. :( I'm going downhill fast, and the only support system I have are friends on Facebook. Some are helpful, but ultimately, I have no one here with me to tell me it's going to be ok and I'm hurting.


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