Today was a good day overall but tonight I'm at a point where I'm feeling nothing either good or bad despite the fact that today I experienced almost no abnormal anxiety. I'm not entirely sure what to think about it yet either. The only moments in my life that I can recall feeling nothing at all are not exactly good moments in my life. It seems like I'm hitting a rut and I'm not sure what to do about it though. I've slipped into a state of numbness before in an effort to protect myself from some very negative situations. I'm not exactly going through anything that extreme right now though but part of my anxiety for awile now has been being scared that my boyfriend of 4 years is going to end up hurting me. For long time I felt like he was making a huge decision in our relationship on his own without even asking me if I was okay with it and it was based upon a female friend of his. Overall I've made some great progress but it still puts me on edge a little bit. I want to get through the rough patch we're in and I know we will I just don't know if I can keep putting so much of myself into this relationship at this point in time given the circumstances. There is a part of me that wants to embrace feeling nothing tonight but I'm a little concerned that I'll slip into a state of numbness because it will feel safe and it will be easy to sit there.
This is a confusing evening and it seems like I need a plan to get through this without i triggering an anxiety response. I'm going to log out shortly and work on some breathing and muscle relaxation in order to keep myself in a calm state and keep the matter in perspective. I think a hot bath is in my future too.