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Diary
In this category are all the diary's of the different users of the site.
This is quite a ride to get back on track. Things seem to improve bit by bit, but you never know for sure. As long as I wake up in the morning and start thinking about how I feel today, there is definitely room for more improvement. So I will try to pull myself through this....
There was too much pressure and the panic attacks started striking more frequently. For 8 days I am back on medication - so far it feels worse than it ever has been. On the other hand it takes time, til this stuff starts working. Sweaty, nauseated and dizzy - that`s my current condition, sometimes feeling spikes of anxiety comming up, my arms start to burn, my hands and feet start to feel weird and a burst of heat goes through my body. I do not think, that anybody can understand this, who has not been there himself/herself. I hate it and hope for relief to set in soon.
I have not been here for quite some time. I still have my ups and downs. I stopped medication in summer 2016, and it worked, but it is still a constant struggle. I have the feeling that my ups and downs follow a certain routine over a years period. It gets worse in spring, builds up till June and July and then slowly eases during the second half of the year. Without medication the struggle feels more intense, and I am not sure, if it will work in the long run. My therapist is very relaxed about this. So, I try not to be too concerned either. One thing is for sure: Panic Attacks have their own momentum.
So one of my coworkers (also named Meghan) got invited through her husband's work, to attend one of his student's wedding next year in Ireland. Of course thats an incredible opportunity and, as you can imagine, I was more than jealous. I can't stop thinking about how badly I want to travel. A couple weeks ago I was browsing this amazing website called WorkAway where you can travel almost anywhere in the world where people "host" their house for rent, and the payment is work. It seems like a wonderful program, props to whoever set it up, but it makes me extremely depressed looking through the pictures of houses and areas where people host, because I so terribly want to travel. Just thinking about Meghan going to Ireland makes me sick with dissatisfaction and jealousy. Kill me! How can I travel? How do I get a job that requires travel? You know, I'd probably be ok just traveling once and then staying there and working there. Maybe I should get into the movies. They go everywhere. Though it makes me…
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When I graduated from High School in 2012, I thought that my life would get a whole lot better. For the most part, it really has. I got the opportunity to be a Radio DJ when I was 17 back in 2011, and two years into being in Radio, I got to interview Kip Winger, who is a guy that I used to idolize as a child. He told me that I gave him the best interview he ever had, and I felt like I had died and went to heaven when he said that to me. Then a year later, another dream came true. I got to interview Mick Foley, Three-Time WWE Champion and Pro Wrestling Legend. Even though the interview didn't really go as I liked it to go, I got to interview a guy that I grew up watching on Monday Night RAW and SmackDown, and a guy who had been to the mountiantop in Pro Wrestling, WWE. Ever since I was a little kid, I wanted to do one thing and one thing only with my…
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Being alone. Some fear it. I love it. If I was the last person on Earth, I think I would do pretty well. No, I don't really have any knowledge on end of the world survival, but I do have one "skill" that would be in my favor. I am really good at being alone. So, I'm in college now. Many people may not agree or believe it, but college can be a great place for people who love being alone. If I wanted to, I could probably go the whole year without making friends....but don't worry, I won't. First, I feel like I am being pressured to make friends by my parents and friends. Second, I know I will be judged and be thought of as freak if I didn't try to make connections. The other day, my sister asked me if I had any friends, and even though I technically didn't lie because I think I have friends here, I may have acted a little too confident- "Oh yaa, I have friends. I mean it's a small group but ya…
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Hey everyone. I'm a new member to this site and i just wanna see if there is anyone with the same "problem" as me. This is my first time reaching out to people to talk about the "real" me and talk about my real feelings and thoughts. So, if there is just ONE who has the time to respond me, i would really really appreciate it. I'm not here to make anyone feel sorry for me or anything. I just want to know if there is anyone else who feel the same way as i do. Lets skip to the important part, the part that is sad but also true about life in general. I’ve always been a guy who says what I think, do as I want, even though I make sure I don’t step over the “line” and I’m taking care of things such as working and making money and everything else that is a part of being an “adult”. But a year or two ago I started to think about life and this stage in my life…
Today is a very off day. It has been a very long time since I have felt this anxious, sad and emotional since my ex left me. I have a wonderful new partner, who does nothing but spoil me (especially emotionally), but for whatever reason today is filled with doubt. Doubt, self-loathing, heavy.Not good enoughNot good enough for my partner, not good enough for my job, for my friends. I am a terrible person who emotionally manipulates people, or so I feel. I want it to be over. I hate that the wait list for a psychologist is 6-8 months. The only reason is my benefits covers that. I've had tears in my eyes since I left for work this morning, and I don't know when or why but, they'll come soon. I HATE the control that my emotions have over me, and it seems nothing works.
Life, with a Mental Illness We trudge along in the world. Somedays are great, while others, the mere task of getting out of bed can be a daunting task. We live with dark clouds swirling above our heads, yet plastered onto our face is a decieving smile. Seeing a crowd of people makes our hearts skip a beat, because we are afraid. Afraid of what? Most of the time, this is a question that I ask myself, often with no answer in return. Perhaps some of us had harmful and damaging previous experiences that left us with a scar. In our heads, we picture every circumstance in which this situation could go wrong. These pictures seem so real in our heads, and, they are scary. At night, we lay wide awake, with that image of something that went wrong from about a month ago replaying in our heads. We lay awake, because deep down we are afraid. We are afraid of what will happen to us. What is it that will happen in the future? Why…
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... "I thought you were going to try today. Just curious"... What do you say to that??...how do you answer...?.. Should I tell them how it took me almost 4 hours to get out of bed to go pee this morning? Or how I went back to bed after... Should I tell them that the thought of leaving my house today made me want to crawl into a corner and never turn the lights on. ...how reality feels like the fantasy and how this fantasy is more like a deep rooted tragedy .... How I cover my self in shame and regrets ....for losing days...weeks...months of things I could be doing ....if I wasn't too busy...trying to encourage myself to continue living. If you can call this thing I'm doing ...living...its more like bare ... "I thought you were going to try today. Just curious".... (Answer in my head)...I tried and failed miserably...like I do almost every single day...I tried and I fucking failed at life. ... "I thought you were going to try today. Just curious (Real…
Why is it that every body has an opinion about ...what you should be doing...what you are doing wrong...what might help you...what you don't know...why do people have to constantly comment on what you didn't do...or could have done better....I wish they were just happy I got out if bed...which is more than what I was expecting ....they have high hopes for me and I feel like I fail them every single day. I feel like I'm failing at life...
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