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Diary

In this category are all the diary's of the different users of the site.

10/28/2015   I realized today that life is not about me and that this 'I am the center of the universe' thinking process has harmed me more than it has helped me. That is because I realized today (actually months ago) that the universe is a giant mirrorball and that the pain that I have in my life and the harm caused by other people is really their pain, not mine. This is because people see in me what they don't like about themselves and therefore they hurt me because they are actually hurting themselves (done unconsciously most of the time) and therefore don't even realize the harm they are doing not only to others but also to themselves. However, by bringing this topic to the light we as human beings can cure all of our ailments and realize that it is never really about us. Instead, it is about what we bring to every moment and hopefully that will be love and not hatred, and by this I mean self-love to every single moment so that others see our…
I have discovered recently that I suffer from avoidant personality disorder. This is after talking to my psych and looking up the disorder it fits me exactly. I fear criticism from others to point that I have to have a low paying job that deals with little social interaction with others. I constantly feel inadequate of others and have low self value. This is something Charlie Brown from the peanuts has witch is why I always found him relateable. He had a crush on the (little red hair girl) everyday he would want to talk to her more then anything. He coundnt though because he always would wind up saying why would she want to talk to me because of his low self esteem. I had the same situation happen to me I had a crush on a girl at work but whenever I want to talk to her I just cant because I feel like I would be wasteing her time because I zero confidence in myself. I feel very hopeless the description fits me perfectly few friends and…
I really feel a difference since I have moved the bedroom back it its original room in the house.  Realized that I might have been waking up a bit too much from the woman upstairs walking so hard and heavy on the ground... I mean wow her man walks lighter than her - well he is lighter...  A new mom too..  Instead of feeling angry , I have to remember we all have our own problems.Anyways -point being where my room was before there is no part of anyones apartment above it.. I moved it before cause the man next door was blasting his bass but that has long stopped.. I feel much stress with the apartment I live in.. So many tenants in and out that have been major drug addicts or truely insane...    Just need to remind myself that at the moment the guy next door that once gave me hell got in trouble for all he was doing and now is quiet and respectful.   He has been in and out of jail - has PTSD…
I live in Columbia, SC and if you've been following the news you know we have had epic rainfall and major flooding in the last week. My home and family are safe but many of my friends and coworkers are in dire situations. I work for a large hospital system and we are bursting at the seams with illness and injuries related to flooding. My daughter was sick. My fiance is sick. I missed my therapy session because my therapist's home is flooded. But I feel ok. A few weeks ago I would have been crushed with anxiety and wracked with worry and guilt. I feel like my ability to compartmentalize my concerns in a manageable way is coming back, albeit slowly, but surely. Before, the flood, work, and family issues would be a huge jumble of worry and stress and sleepless nights and days where I couldn't concentrate. Now, I am able to use my fledgling basket of tools to organize my crazy ass thoughts into: worry now, worry later, think about this with a glass of wine, or…
A couple of weeks ago they have started me on a new prescription. I noticed I was sleeping better and not eating as much; My energy was even returning. Now it feels like my depression has returned. I have no interest in doing exercises any more and playing video games which was a hobby seems boring like everything else. I'm awake early in the morning but I also get very sleepy nearing the afternoon. I'm lucky to have found this site and hoping to meet others that have similar problems as I do.
I dont know what Im suppose to say, I dont know how Im suppose to react. All my life I have been confident and bold but for the past year all I feel is low. Its holding me back, social anxiety is holding me back from life. My eyes get watery and my heart races when called on in class. My thoughts are always worrying about what other people think and my stress is on my every future move. What of this goes wrong? Will they judge me? What of I mess up? Now, Im okay with my friends. Im honestly comfortable with other people if i feel they are accepting but I just get so stressed and worried and scared about certain things but see these certain THINGS take up 70% of my life. I cant go ask the cashier how much something is or if im lost I pretend that Im still looking for something just so people dont stare at me. When I get lost I mumbled something like " Oh its not here? " when I…
In life I believe that I am a avoidante person. If its something that will give me anxety I will avoide it at all costs. This describes my social life I want to go out more but if I get asked im hesitant. The worry of judgement of people really gets to me I often wonder what will they think will they look down on me. I avoid dating I fear rejection and my low self esteem gets in the way but mostly females just make me feel anxoius. I avoid trying to get a new job im comforble were im at now but I know I need to make more. I avoid confrontation it makes me sick to my stomach and I shake in fear. The one place I dont avoid is my room. My old therapist asked me were do you feel most comforble I said in my room away from people society trying to bring me down. Getting out of that room can be quite daunting these days.
Im thinking about stoping going to my therapist soon. Its kinda mixed results its good to vent and opean up but I dont think the guy is that good. The last 3 times I have been there he's been 30 minutes late each time and he seems to have a bad memory by asking the same questions alot. Plus I tell him things I know I have said before and he'll say no you havent said that before. Next month im going to be seeing a doctor about meds im skeptical since they havent worked in the past. I felt my anxiety the other to the point of being sick to my stomach. This was after a argument with a guy who treats me like dirt. The things he said to me were hurtful how I will never have a girlfriend and making fun of my job. Knowing him and his randomness he may get in touch again who knows maybe even apologize. If he does thats fine but I could never hang out with him again. I gave my…
Today is my first day writing in a diary. I figured this would be a good place to start.    Things I am anxious about: My kids My boyfriend Money Feeling judged Unknown   Today started out fine. This is after having a major panic attack while driving the other day. Bad day to begin with. I have been trying to keep my anxiety at bay since then. Working on finding out what my triggers are... not always an easy thing to do. Some of them are obvious; my 4 year old misbehaving and not listening while my 3 month old is crying because he is hungry. I am still trying to get the hang of this multiple children parenting. I can't blame her, but sometimes I feel that way. She is four. She doesn't know better. She is still learning. I hate getting upset with her. Sometimes I yell, and I end up crying about it because I feel guilty. She is so independent. I guess I should be proud of that rather than upset. She gets into everything…

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