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Diary
In this category are all the diary's of the different users of the site.
The worst problems and habits are the ones you take for granted, they are invisable, matter of fact, as inmutable as gravity making things pull tword the earth. Thats why my anxiety was out of check so long, I knew no other way to exsist, what my emotions and functions were doing to my physicality, Invisable for 30 years as I floundered along Ill equiped, undersupported, and underminding myself because I simply could not carry on after a point for no explanation I could easily offer. Its only after it got bad, go to the hospital bad I even knew anxiety disorders were a thing and it took even longer to really understand what that even ment.. I felt blindsided... After a lot of reflection and help seeking I quickly realized the nature of this is something beyond most profesionals even though they mean well, and my nerves have been broken and sorta shattered since at least 2nd grade. I knew no other way to exsist I survived day to day and would periodicly fall to peices I knew something…
It's three in the morning 90 degress and I can't sleep. I should have gone to bed at ten eleven if I felt like pushing it. But I didn't. Mostly becuase I couldn't sleep but a bit becuase I didn't want to. I've been having the dreams again. Sometimes I can't remeber them. Sometimes I just wake up my heart pounding and feeling shaking like I had a panic attack while I was alseep. Mostly though I do remeber. The ones I remeber are always the same. I'm in a room, offical looing ussually. Like a classroom or a court house or something like that. And I have something I have to do, and I know it. Its important that I do it, and do it soon, but I can't remeber what it is. And everyone around me is busy and competent looking waling around like they know exactly what to do. And they are all talking to each other and talking to me and I can't understand a word of what they are saying. Sometimes they are speaking another…
Trapped.. my walls are crumbling around me and I can't deal anymore.. I left my job 2 months ago due to stress and health issues, but that only started myself into a downward spiral. I am now jobless on EI and I can't pay all my bills, my relasonships have fallen apart, there are a friend friends who have been calling to check up on me, but I spend all day now at home hardly leaving even for food. I have no joy left in my life and all I have is pain and fear, fear of failure, fear of dieing and fear of having nothing left. My world that I have been living in is but and ilusion and it is crumbling around me, I can't make choices for myself and I am tired every day, I did not sleep much last night, even after taking some sleeping pills. Everything sets me off, even the simplest things. I can't walk down the street and look people in the face, if I see someone my own age…
Sigh...I just got out of a real dark zone. I haven't been like.... anything. Zombie maybe... I tried my best to get out of it, playing games, doing stuff. But I haven't been able to hang with anyone in real life good. I haven't felt like hanging with the friends... Recently I feel like I do not have any friends. I am Misanthropic in nature.I was thinking about talking about that some. It's not that I hate people, though I used to be more recentfull and hateful about people before. I still don't feel good hanging to much with people, but I also like people. I wanna really believe in people like, that's not wrong is it? Sigh... The issues started I guess for real in at the start of my 20s, because that's when I ended up living home. I got issues, I get angry for no reason. I guess after having a back stabbing friend two years ago I lost it. I was an unstable freak regarding people quite a while, especially after having been "home" with my parents to work and having them try…
I didn't get to explore this website as much as I wanted today. I need to find a place to live for next school year and I was overwhelmed by the apartment search. Every place that I found was either too expensive or had bad reviews from previous tenants. If there is something on my mind it becomes difficult for me to function in other areas. I become consumed with worry and negative thoughts. I will try not to dwell on it so much tomorrow and do other productive things.
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I found this website and immediately made an account. Being able to talk to other people about anxiety is a big plus especially since I feel so awkward talking about it with family or friends. I've read through other anxiety forums but I've always had this irrational fear that someone I know might my posts so I never made an account. This is the perfect way for someone like me to talk to talk to other people about anxiety. Right off the bat I got a little anxiety during the sign up process. I was struggling to pick a username because I felt that that I was going to be judged on my username. Finally I hit shuffle on my iTunes and picked the first song title that fit. It was solved but this was a general concern of mine. I had to come up with a solution for it. Why was that feelng there in the first place? I just wanted to document those inital thoughts. I look forward to making use of this.
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Well today 9/8/15 I became a member of this website I really hope it works out. So heres a summary of my day i got up went to...HIGH SCHOOL!!!!!! and pretty much lost yet another one of my "friends" I was so mad at her. She went to my family reunion with my cousin and I was glad because i thought i was gonna get to spend time with my friend but no she completly blew me off she didnt even tell me Hi or give me a wave it tottaly ticked me off because last year i did so much for her there was a problem between her and another one of our "friends" and cops and CYS got involved i did every thing i could to keep her from getting into trouble and it worked out in her favor but then she goes and blows me off i litterally just wanted to start crying i thought she was my best friend but i guess you cant trust anyone i learned the hard way. theworst part is i keep…
I have spent the past couple of weeks moving into my new apartment. I ordered five pieces of furniture from Wayfair.com. Unbeknownst to me everything needed to be assembled. I made mistakes on the bookshelf and headboard. When trying to move the headboard box while working on the bookcase, it slowly toppled over with me on top of the bookcase. Two huge bruises. One on my lower left calf, one on the median left elbow (palm up). I couldn't fully flex my ankle for a week. Then I had diarrhea for five days. I think it was from undercooked tuna. I tried to ccok it medium rare like a chef. Oops, more like rare rare. I am ready for school to start. This is the life I want. Lectures a few days a week, working on reasearch, everything I need within biking distance. And I don't have to worry about anyone else's wellbeing, at least directly. I also feel much more comfortable being my nerdy introverted self.
. I seriously need to work. I have 3 kids and I live with my ex-mother-in-law. Was laid off from Walmart in April when they closed here. I feel alone and useless. Working at home would be a blessing. I had anxiety everyday when I went to work and went to the emergency room a few times because I had serious anxiety attacks at work. Lately I've been in a really dark place. Taking my meds, but I've been feeling like my depression and anxiety are choking me out. I feel totally helpless. Been having horrible thoughts that I swore would never get to me. I feel helpless! I don't know what to do anymore.
My depression has been very strong lately I feel it swimming in my blood. Every day I either cry or tear up im just in a very dark place right now. So I had plans last night to meet this guy I know who has gotten on my nerves many times before. I dont even like to refer to him as a friend since he bails on plans and acts odd often. We had plans to meet at a restrant/bar at 7. We arrived bout the same time he was on his phone and tells me this twice that hes on the phone with an attitude. After he is done he says hes going to go buy some cigs. I say ok you want me to come he said no and he drives off. I go and sit in my car and wait for him to return. When he does first thing he says is I got to use the bathroom. We walk in I order a drink and sit down and the guy next to me starts talking to…
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1 September 2015 I like to think that I'm a normal person. I don't like thinking about my anxiety and how weak it makes me. I can't help it though. Instead of asking my peers for help, I choose to stay in my silence. It's pathetic for me really. I wish I could be like others who don't worry about how they eat or how their voice sounds like. I'm even dreading walking for my graduation. So unless I want to puke on stage, I need to find an outlet. And I think this is it.
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1 September 2015 I like to think that I'm a normal person. I don't like thinking about my anxiety and how weak it makes me. I can't help it though. Instead of asking my peers for help, I choose to stay in my silence. It's pathetic for me really. I wish I could be like others who don't worry about how they eat or how their voice sounds like. I'm even dreading walking for my graduation. So unless I want to puke on stage, I need to find an outlet. And I think this is it.
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I really wish that today would be over with. Today my drug-infested uncle starts aggravating my grandfather for money like he always does. Then my granny calls and starts talking about my uncle to my papaw and puts me on speaker when I call him a crackhead. To which he responds "You jump onto me for handouts, but you ask for handouts all the time" I told him that I have a job and that I'm going to be making my own money and then every one of my fucking family members starts taking his side overtop of mine. Even my own mom doesn't even want me to discuss it. They all tell me, "You haven't made you first paycheck" and "He works just like you" At least I'm OFFICIALLY EMPLOYED and not just doing odd jobs. I'm just fucking fed up with everything. Fuck it.
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I signed up for Anxiety Social Net, and was excited to see this blog component of the website. It seems like a good opportunity to talk openly (to a certain extent - I'm still trying to be somewhat anonymous) about social anxiety, i.e. what's it like, what we can do to treat it, and stuff like that. I still struggle with my social phobia alot. For me it was not something I necessarily grew up with. As a child, I was not very shy - if anything I was inordinately rambunctious, even to the point of being obnoxious. I remember having a great deal of friends. I think there was still something sometimes off with me - I have schizoaffective disorder in addition to the social phobia - because I remember feeling at times that my clowning was hiding something shameful, and I remember in eighth grade writing a poem about (of all things) a clown committing suicide. Talk about a cry for help (though I don't remember anyone picking up on anything wrong it, maybe because they were freaked…
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