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Diary

In this category are all the diary's of the different users of the site.

I wanted to tell at least one of my friends that I might be trans, and I am friends with them on Facebook, so I went to see their pages to see if they support the LGBT community. I found out that one of them is Pangender. It took me quite a while to have the courage to message him that I thought he would understand, and I didn't know how the others would feel about it, but I feel like I might be trans. He replied that there are probably more people who would understand than I think. Then, he suggested that we should meet out for coffee or something. However, we haven't scheduled a day and time. It has been a few days I haven't heard back from him. I asked him when he is available, but he didn't respond. I saw that he had seen the message. My anxiety is telling me that he decided he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I have all these negative thoughts and images running through my mind. Maybe he…
I gave photos of myself to my spouse to put on his desk, because I had accidentally printed too many for my father for his, and I noticed yesterday they were overturned. I put them face up on his desk. I come home today, to discover they are once again face down and now pushed slightly under the monitor. I don't want to say anything for fear of sounding stupid, but damn does that hurt a little. It hurts my pride, and also makes me feel like I am not good enough to be on his desk and seen every day by whoever is over. And here come the tears again.  
Today is another day, like most others. I feel so melancholic, and yet I am still laughing and smiling at work, and trying to around my spouse. Little do my coworkers know I feel sick to my stomach, and spent the 1st 20 minutes of my drive to work balling because I didn't want to be a burden any longer. I don't know how to deal with these. I don't really exactly have the benefits coverage to go out and go to a doctor to discuss this, and if I need a prescription I can't afford it right now. I'm also scared a doctor will tell me there is absolutely nothing wrong with me, lose some weight and the depression and anxiety will disappear.I had a friend explain it very well the other day, based on the Spoons theory. Take 10 pens for example, those represent the mental/emotional/physical capacity I have to complete tasks during the day. Each task/activity costs a pen. Getting out of bed, showering, basic hygeine, getting to work, spending time with my spouse, those all take…
Today wasn't a full step back but I'm still standing.  Personally, my biggest problem with depression is how my whole body begins to ache. It's so much harder to deal with feeling down when it feels like your body is working against you. Everytime I go to lie down and get some rest I argue with myself for several minutes to get up again. Once I'm down my body just doesn't want to get back up.  I'm sure others have this problem and I would love some advice if anyone has any but I'm really just beat. I can't focus, my anxiety is just around the corner and my neck is killing me for no other reason than to be rude.  Keep your head up, someone out there needs you. Even if you think they don't, you've touched one person in this world and they would miss you if you were gone.  Much love,  Kayley 
I did better today and I'm proud of that.  Today I broke my usual funk long enough to do the dishes and clean out our garage. I turned up the music in my living room way too loud, danced like I was a kid again and threw away a lot of garbage that has been just stacking up.  Since we just recently moved we are still trying to adjust everything now that we have way more room and are in a house. That means I have tons of boxes of just random stuff that I need to go through and the clutter makes my anxiety go through the room. That's why we threw it all in the garage so that I didn't have to see it everyday and I could deal with it when I felt better. Today seemed to be that day, at least for a short time.  It was ridiculously hot here in Northern California so I took it slow but I do feel accomplished that I was able to get at least a few things done. Hopefully…
For the past two days I've truly been struggling. I wait until my husband leaves for work before I start the long process of getting out of bed. I don't shower for several days at a time, I eat only things that don't involve effort to make or clean up, the dishes have been in my sink for three days I think, I only do laundry when there is nothing to wear and even then it makes my chest tighten because I fear what people would think if they saw my house in it's current condition.  Every morning I lay in bed and think to myself "but what are you doing with your life?" I never have a good answer. I get up and if I have the energy I shower, I usually don't. I take my medication, I guess it helps, when I remember to take it, if I care enough to take it. All day I struggle to focus, the only thing I enjoy doing is making my lists. I make hundreds of lists a week, sometimes about…
Anxiety has always felt like something that has been apart of me for the last 23+ years. It's almost like I've had it my whole life. My mom is a natural worrier, so growing up I have always worried about everything/everyone too. In college I suffered from anxiety & possibly a slight case of depression. Funny thing is, I got through college in my own way of distractions/school work/extracurriculars/being around people constantly. Out of all that stress & struggle in college, I never ONCE experienced a full-blown panic attack. Now that I am in the working world, moved back to my hometown (my own place, not my parents), it feels like my anxiety has just exploded through the roof within the last month. I experienced my first multiple panic attacks in one night last week & at least 1-2 daily since. There were a couple deaths in the family that happened, but I made it through those with the grief that every family would feel. This time of the year is always hard, and maybe that has something to do…
Well everything seems to be in order. I have the love and support of an amazing family to help me during this risky adventure. Its like I am going back to Japan for the very first time. With everything new and exciting.  I am as ready for the job interview as I can be right now. But as soon as I get back I need to send out backup applications.  Apparently though I lost 6 pounds in a month and a half. I am not happy about this, I look unhealthy and eating is still nausiating but I am doing better than last week. S never responds so I am going back with no expectation from him, I would probably be just let down. So I only have expectations for myself.  Well I am actually feeling sleepy so that is a very good sign. No panic :) well not much Plane leaves soon. Good Luck Dev. You are in charge of forming your own destiny. 
I bet you can guess what I am watching right now. Well today went really well.  I talked to my aunt and uncle about everything thats been going on and asked them for help going back to Japan in a couple days. I feel like the exchange rate is never in my favor. Maybe it will change in the next week.  Anyways Cristina talked to me about square breathing, and self talk which seems to be helping in the small doses that I have been using them.  Right now I am stressed about money. If I don't get the job I want then I am going to be super discouraged, let's be real. But I do have back up places I can to apply to. At this point I don't care if I am teaching again as long as I have a visa and a way to support myself. I will be going back with only a grand and I need to make that last through July so I will literally be living off of rice. Transportation can be such…
I decided to go back to Japan today. I talked to S for the first time in a few days and the second time after my anxiety attack. He said very harshly that he didn't want me if I didn't want to be in Japan for my own reasons and not just him. I understand that, but this whole process to get here has been miserable. I've been wanting to go home for ages so im glad to have a decision but I can't lie and say Im not terrified. Im scared of the hostile enviroment I will be going into and if I will have enough armour to handle it.  I have my plans of what I want to personally accomplish though: Bart Corp interview   Prepare for Gaba backup Meditation Yoga for dummies (4 times a week) Labocchi.com for a tutor After Effect class Socialize  Meetup for cosplay Cassie (all day e’ryday) Ikebana with Brie Steven Universe Event Fri 24th Join another group I need to focus on all of these and not think about any worst case…

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