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Diary

In this category are all the diary's of the different users of the site.

so today i found this site for ppl like me.  a little fucked in the head.....well maybe fucked is the right term for it.  maybe disbalanced.  well anyhow, since ive been on meds for about 3 months now ive been kind of sorta wanting to reach out, yet i dont.  probably because i moved from my home city to another city and i dont know anybody.  maybe, this site where ppl that have anxiety and/or recovering from anxiety will be the step i need to have a qoute on qoute normal life.  been alone for 16yrs.  idk whatll be like haveing friends again, js not to be sappy and shit lol
Hello. I am hoping that this site will help me work through my anxiety. It has gotten so bad that I have completely lost myself in it. I think that just knowing that I am not alone in this, and that I have a place to share my daily struggles with people who understand will help me tremendously.
Like... my sister was in town, and she wanted to go party. Yay... had some fun at a bar, and this girl loved talking to me. I talked a lot with her to. Like she has anxiety as well, so for once we shared our anxiety feelings properly. :) Only someone with anxiety gets some things.  Anyways, I felt out of place, always do (always will), but manage to have fun. Then like... party at my friends place (hosted the evening), meh... didnt really feel like going there since I didn't have a drink (can't drink beer usually), my sister stole a cider from the host (so drank that shit). Wensday was a holly day in my country (and red days are not work days in my country). So... like my sister was suppose to reach a plain, so I like wanted to go home since my siter told me to be home around 7 (she went with a guy), so I was about to move out at 4:30 to take a bus home. The host stopped me, because this girl wanted to follow me…
I am discovering that the next step to growing is to change the habits I have developed that supports my anxiety. I need to consciously decide a whole new way of living in order to break free of the old ways from when I felt forced into giving in to anxiety, depression, and agoraphobia.
Today was a rough day. Had a huge fight with my boyfriend to the point where I left went and sat in the woods and tried to slit my wrists. Couldn't even do that right. Now he won't even tell me if were over. I love this man with all my heart. We've had a rocky past couple of months but I'm not ready to give up yet. I'm not ready to say its over. I don't know what to do we have so many dreams planned out. I want my future with this man. I want my life with this man. Maybe I should've just killed myself then I wouldn't be any bodies problem. But right when I was going to stab myself it started raining and I saw it as god washing away my pain. I pray to god he is watching and guiding me along the path I need the most.
It feels like starting over, it feels like is an infinite strech of up and downs. It feels like both day and night. On my worst days, my mind screams, "I want my old life back" and on my best, "I have hope that I will be better than my yesterday" but like the ocean, it seems like a tired endless motion of tides and waves, drawing in and going back and I find myself laying motionless on the shores as time whips me and pulls me back, my soul crashes against the waves.  However, I can do all things through christ who strengths me, and my beacon of hope comes through the light I KNOW is within me. This real picture of joy, endless laughter, joy and love, things that are endowed in me, and more importantly self love which is teaching me, I am not what anyone calls me, I am only me.   Hope is an endless strength that looks past the present adversity, but a stretch into the bright yellow sun.   
So today was another day spent calling therapists to no avail. Why does everything seem so hard? All of this is darn near killing me and I must find a way out so I am writing this to remember things that are good in my life and I hope it will inspire me. 1. I have my 2 good old chaps and 2 younger besides..(my cats) 2. I have a terrific friend who helps when he can 3. I have good and warm place to live 4. I have widened my circle with  new support websites 5. I have friends on both who understand much of what I am going through 6. I do have an income so I won't starve 7. I currently have food in my house 8. I have a neighbor who helps when he can 9. I do still have the game that I love and people from there who seem to care despite not knowing (most) of my troubles 10. I do have my health (because although I feel my health is poor, it maybe…
How are you supposed to get out of a situation that is making you unhappy when the thought of having to make a change terrifies you? Makes me just want to crawl under the covers and hide forever.
I am so confused who I am. Am I gay or bi? I never had a boyfriend or girlfriend (I always had a dating phobia and fear of intimacy). But, most of my crushes, especially celebrities, were men. Although on the other hand, one moment I want a husband and the next moment, I want a wife. Right now, I want a woman that I can spend the rest of my life with. Maybe it's because with a man, it's possible for me to get pregnant and I don't want to experience carrying a baby inside me. Besides, with my thanatophobia, I fear that pregnancy will kill me, and it looks painful. I am also afraid of going out and ask out a woman because I'll get judged or ridiculed. I want everyone to like me. Recently, I just have a crush on my English teacher who is a woman. I have a therapist to talk about this to, but it's been a while since I've seen her, and she's been very ill.
Anxiety hurts. Depression hurts. The worst part about it is you don’t see it coming. When it strikes you have no control. You are left feeling hopeless. You can’t breathe. You suddenly have people around you separating themselves from you. You become an excuse for other people’s behaviors. You become a burden on those who love you. People look down on you. People think you are weak. They don’t see or feel what you are going through. Breathing techniques don’t work. Exercise doesn’t help. Medication makes you foggy. I have no idea how to combat this illness that is within me. I have no idea how to stop hurting those I love. I don’t even realize that I am hurting them. It’s hard to find support. Because being someone of this disorder makes you not trust others. We have been hurt so many times in the past that it makes you feel as if no one can ever understand. The heart palpitations, shortness of breath, screaming, and severe muscle cramps makes it hard to see the light at the end…

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