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Diary

In this category are all the diary's of the different users of the site.

I'm not even sure I have anxiety. All I know is that I feel sick and worried all day every day. It's not normal. I feel as though life is happening around me and that time is passing me by, yet I'm not really here. Everything feels surreal, almost dreamlike. Sometimes. For a few minutes each day I may feel normal, like I used to, before this weird condition, whatever it is. I will feel real and attached to my own soul. And then it's gone again. It is so hard to describe.    Today I have felt ok at work. Not good. But ok. When I have something to keep my mind completely occupied, I'm alright. But as soon as it is allowed to wander, we have problems.   I sat up in bed tonight thinking about these feelings and how it completely controls my life. I let this thing, whatever it is, because let's face is, does any of us really know what the fuck it really is? I let it rule me. It stops me having fun.…
Today it seems to be a normal day, my fiancee made me a gift, the one I wanted for a long time and this made me happy, but even though I can't stop thinking to all those things that worry me lately, I feel him distracted and this makes me think that he's hiding something from me and for this reason I ask him hundred of times if he loves me and if he's sure about it. He tries  to reassure me, saying that he has no doubts about it and he loves me and wants still to marry me. Why don't I just believe him? why am I so stupid to ruin all this moments with him. In the past it happened that he lied to me about other kind of things, but never about all his feelings and I remember one day, few months ago, him looking straight into my eyes and telling me that he loves me so much and in the meantime he was holing me really tight. I felt so loved in that moment and so…
Today I was taken over my fears, in particular the one that my fiancée could prefer other people over me. I started shaking and my thinking nonsense and I couldn't stop myself. It started because I have this funny pen with a small punch and my fiancée liked it and wanted to bring it at work, which he did. So I couldn't help but thinking that he wanted to tease this colleague of his with this pen and his purpose was just this. Even though it sounds silly I could't stop thinking about it and the more I was thinking of it the worse my thoughts grew until they end up with him cheating on me. Writing it I realize that it's absurd but still the thought make me shake and feel bad. Why am I writing this? Because it's absurd that I'm wasting my time thinking of all those things and the worse part is that I know that I can live without him and probably be happy with another guy, but I really don't understand why I'm so…
So everyone on facebook has to at some point scroll past these stupid memes, we all know them beefy block letters some have word games based on the letters or your name or birth date, Some offer a hypothetical situation inviting all your friends input. I thought to myself what a cool tool we could use to get to really know each other with if used the right way, what if I made one that simply asked the question “what was the worst day of your life and best so far?” How much tis simple question can revile about a person and where they are in life. I thought what a great I idea to turn something cheap and meaningless and annoying into something profound and compassion building “why arnt we doing this already?” I asked myself and found my answer in my own answer... The worst day of my life so far: I was in Chicago this time of year middle of winter, she had left me the second time for something bigger and better with encouragement from her…
Am I a private person... I think maybe. I dont put what Im passionate about out there, I dont hand people ammunition to hurt me with about those things that really matter to me. Sure Im candid and would burn the world in the truth then entertain delusion. Opinionated I dont think so Im pretty open minded no matter how I come off because for the most part I dont need to believe in much anymore. So I write this perhaps in a effort to break old habits and as a reminder for me to find latter, and if anyone notices thats fine but was not entirely my intent. The question that has been tumbling around in my head the last few weeks I still have a hard time finding a satisfying answer for. Iv just started the process of college for becoming a social worker after the idea slowly took root for a few years. Maybe I didnt act on it sooner because I was in a relationship that restricted my emotional freedom, spending 8 years with someone incapable…
I stared taking meds a couple months ago. I have noticed my depression has decreased from it. The way I was feeling before was a strong depression with daily crying and overrall feeling of being hopeless. My anxiety level is about the same maybe a little bit better however. I hope to get better insurance however due to the cost of the meds being so high. Im not sure if that will happen looks like its just to expensive. Im better at the moment but there is still more room to improve.
4 years, I have suffered with depression for 4 years. Sadly, I was only a young 10 year old girl when it all started and today I am grown 14 year old still suffering from all of it. Ive always had difficulty expressing me, expressing my thoughts which has become an intervening obstacle. My life has become nothing to me. Everyday, I pray maybe today will be the day a car will hit me or I hope I dont wake up but here I am stuck in this hell. Its not like I havent tried to kill myself.    My sister suffers with depression. She expressed her anger on me and yells at me everyday and makes fun of me. She tells me all about wanting to die and how she hates life. I listen to her only thinking "I understand" "I know what you mean" "Me too". My mom is not my mother anymore oh I wish she was. I miss the mother who cared for me, held my hand, cut me fruits and asked me about school actually…
exp. III is when I went to the market.   On to exp. IV --  yeah!!! [spoiler] Before going, it felt like I have went to that place over and over again in my mind. I got so much negativity here and there but my mind is made up that I have to go. I prepared again and again for this day. I went for a ride from one place to another. It was awesome 'cause I was expecting to be just experiencing one or two places but I ended up touring around our streets in finding for a place to load my account. My mind is so concentrated in doing the task. I was so calm, so composed -- amazing. While going around, I kept telling myself to just forget about it (negative thoughts, bad memories) in a tune in my mind. I did quicking forget. I was just so amazed where I am and what I'm seeing. I'm so privileged to be there. Going to people and asking them was an amazing experience. I was not so negative at…
It was a nice Saturday afternoon when suddenly my grandmother asks me to buy some hotdogs. The place was very near, a few walks away from our house. I hesitated a little but I kept my cool and accepted the money from my grandmother. At the gate outside our house, my mind was scrambling if I should do this or not 'cause I might get scared, anxious or dizzy on my way there. I feel like despite my reasons, I feel there's confidence emerging inside me.  After a few minutes going back and forth, I decided to go. I was anxious but remained my composure and kept my mind relaxed or chill. While waiting for my hotdogs to be cooked, I just kept chanting my words of encouragement. Right before my eyes, I see my hotdogs get cooked, bread cooked, smeared with mayo and ketchup, and wrapped in plastic. It was pretty cool. I never imagined that I can do that. That I can experience that. On my way home, I thought I will just take a ride home. But…
.... I feel so angry, distressed. I don't know what to think when I am like this... I can be mad and say mean stuff to people when I am like this. I don't know how to act. :( I am certain this is because of my upbringing.  I have started with this place that try to help people with problems get work.  So.... like... I might get work. I am scared I will say something mean to people. It's hard to control sometimes when I am like this. :(It makes me feel so bad. I don't want anyone to feel that I hate them or something, I just... it's just something stuck. :(It's so hard.... to be with people... to act nice. I know it isn't others, and on days like this it's good I stay home. Maybe I am lonely? I don't even know my own feelings. What are feelings?I feel lost... Sigh...Lost... worthless... I just don't want a part of this like. Maybe it's trauma? Sometimes when walking home as a kid... I often got distressed, because I didn't recognize my own home. When I walked up…

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