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Anxiety Articles

Anxiety Articles (4)

Monday, 06 June 2016 04:10

Am I The Only One?

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This question, and many others, have plagued me for quite some time. Yet, I cant help but think to myself maybe (just maybe) I'm not the only one? 

I know I'm not the only one who suffers from a mental illness, or a disorder. While this is true, I cannot help but wonder is there anyone else out there who isolates themselves from others, or keeps people at a distance in attempt to save them from having to deal with your issues? 

Or, do things like Stays Single, Keeping Family and Friends at a Distance, Avoids public places and holiday events from being petrified to be around anyone in the fear of being judged or stigmatized, along with being consumed with fear of being triggered, frustrated, or irritated? Which only throws you into (what seems like) an endless downward spiral of uncontrollable thoughts and emotions where there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel. Which can last from hours on end, if not a couple of days. 

Yet, at the same time, wanting SO BAD for someone to talk to, or a friend to turn to, who will accept you, be you're friend through thick and thin? 

When, In fact, all you can find is the saddening comfort of solitude and the deafening quiet of the four walls you call home? Or, the awkward silence from those who say they are your friend when you turn to them for help. Or worse, them avoiding you like you were the plague?

 

While most of this happens in my own life. I can't even begin to put into words how terribly lonely it all can be. As I have spent an obscene amount of time isolated and alone. 


I often feel as if I'm trapped in a self made solitary confinement with no door on either wall. And the messed up part of it all is? I do this all to myself. 

Issues such as bipolar/ ptsd can indeed be difficult to handle for others who don't know, or for that matter don't want to know about them. Yet, it would simply be a breath of fresh air to actually have a friend to open up and communicate with. Someone who not only is nonjudgmental and accepting, but also is able to see past the mental illness and see a person, not just the illness/ disorder itself. 

Yet, day in and day out, “the mask” is put on. For no one see's the depressed lonely person in front of them. They simply see the mask. While the face hidden behind the facade weeps and craves for genuine human interaction.

Was just curious if anyone else out there goes through the same thing or am I the only one?

As I ask that question, many more bombard me as I bring this to a close. ..... Is there really anything wrong with me? Is it really what some of my old friends (who are no longer my friend, mind you) said? That it's all in my head. Am I making it all up or making excuses? I mean, I've known for a long time, after being hit by a vehicle at age 7 (and dying in the process), that I was different from others around me. Yet, if there is nothing wrong with me, why do I stay so isolated, so secluded away from society? Why can't I walk past my front door and go to the store to get food and supplies? Or yet, have a relationship or keep friends? 

So many questions, I know. Yet, I can't help but sit here and wonder. Am I making myself out to be worse then it is? Which is why I'm here writing this now, wondering, is there anyone else out there that goes through the same things? Or is it all a figment of my imaginations run rampant in my head? I'm sitting here driving myself crazy, stressing, day in and day out wondering all this.

 

Sunday, 01 May 2016 04:35

Feeling Invisible

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Today was just one of those days where I feel invisible to the world! First maybe I should say a little about myself. I moved to a new city a little over 11 months ago now. I moved here for a new job without knowing a single person. While I enjoy being around people I've always had a really hard time starting conversations with people. As you may guess, this makes it incredibly hard to meet new people and make new friends. I've only recently started learning more about social anxiety disorder and realizing it's an issue for me.

I've always known that my issue is that I don't know what to say to people to start a conversation with them. I'm horrible at small talk and you can't really start a conversation based on mutual interest when you don't know anything about a person. This leads to me second guess everything I say and either never start the conversation or feel like a complete idiot for starting the conversation and struggle to keep the conversation going. So one thing I've been trying to do since I moved here is find some groups for people with similar interests as me. This has mostly been a failure as my anxiety prevents me from going to meet a random group of people. It's hard enough to try meeting 1 person, meeting an entire group of people at once is nothing short of teriffying.

However, the one thing I have found some success with is the gym, or more specificlly CrossFit. Say what you will about it but I found it a few years ago and enjoyed it for 2 reasons: motivation/competitiveness and the sense of community. I love going because everyone is friendly, cheers each other on, and engage in a little gym talk. So I know some people there and we will talk a bit, but that's the extent of our relationship. That's unfortunate but I'd be more okay with it if it weren't for the fact that some of those people have became very good friends despite being there less time than I have; but I've never been invited to do something outside of the gym. Yes, part of this is my fault, I could ask them if they wanted to do something sometime... I know that but it still hurts to see the same people I talk to becoming friends and not being included.

Maybe I should get back to the main point of feeling invisible now. Today I went to one an open gym time and some of the people I usually talk to were there but not one of them said a word to me. They were all talking with each other, joking around, and working out together; but not one of them even acknowledged my existance. Again... I could have strated conversation with them, but I just felt like I would be intruding. Honestly the only interaction I had with anyone the entire time I was there, that didn't have to do with whether or not I was using a piece of equipment or not, was a brief exhange coach. You know, one of the the people that are paid to be there and to exchange pleasantries with the members.

I was pretty down by the time I left and got me thinking about all the other things that make me feel invsible. I've recently been trying to start doing some volunteer work lately and I contacted the organization about it. I got a pretty immediate reply that I had contacted the wrong person and they forwared me on to another person. A few days went by with no reply so I decided to contact them again just to be sure my message hadn't been overlooked. Once again I recieved a pretty immediate reply letting me know they had been busy but they would contact me at the beginning of the next week. Well, it's been over a week since they said they would contact me and I still haven't heard anything. I'm tempted to contact them again but I don't want to be annoying and I just feel like it shouldn't be so hard to volunteer for something. I've also had a similar experience with very slow replies from customer service with a business I'm currently dealing with, but I guess that could probably just be chalked up to poor customer service. The final thing I thought of was dating sites. I've tried using a few different sites to meet someone with little to no success. I always put effort into my profile and I even step out of my comfort zone and contact others first sometimes, I just spend way too long figuring out what to write haha. Point being, I hardly ever get a reply or someone deciding to contact me first. Even with my low self-esteem I would say I'm decently attractive, and I've only had a handfull of interest over about 2 years.

Anyway, that's all I got. Like I said, it was just one of those days. I'm sure I'll feel better in the next day or two. I'm not sure if anyone will read this, if they will care, or if I will just sound whinny and self-pitying; but I don't have anyone to talk to about it so I felt like this would be a good way to vent. 

Sunday, 27 December 2015 05:44

Dear Social Anxiety...

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Dear social anxiety,

We go back a long way. I remember the first time I met you. It was the time when I had been humiliated in front of many people I knew. Ever since then, nothing has been the same.

 

You feel like a storm, constantly circling above my head, my everything. You rush into my body, occupying every space there is. Tornados roar inside of my stomach, everything shakes. Every time I have a new social event to go to, I feel as if I am being struck by a lighting rod, paralysed, shaking. Sometimes this happens for no reason. I can not escape, and if I tried, you always find a way to come back. You constantly tell me how I am going to humiliate myself, just for being who I am. 

 

I know that you will be here. I understand that. I know that it will not be easy to get rid of you, if I can get rid of you at all. But I know one thing, I can control you.

 

I can...

 

For people who may be experience the same thing as I am, please know that you are not alone, and there is always a light, even in the darkest, scariest of times. :)

xxxx

Sunday, 27 December 2015 05:44

Dear Social Anxiety...

Written by

Dear social anxiety,

We go back a long way. I remember the first time I met you. It was the time when I had been humiliated in front of many people I knew. Ever since then, nothing has been the same.

 

You feel like a storm, constantly circling above my head, my everything. You rush into my body, occupying every space there is. Tornados roar inside of my stomach, everything shakes. Every time I have a new social event to go to, I feel as if I am being struck by a lighting rod, paralysed, shaking. Sometimes this happens for no reason. I can not escape, and if I tried, you always find a way to come back. You constantly tell me how I am going to humiliate myself, just for being who I am. 

 

I know that you will be here. I understand that. I know that it will not be easy to get rid of you, if I can get rid of you at all. But I know one thing, I can control you.

 

I can...

 

For people who may be experience the same thing as I am, please know that you are not alone, and there is always a light, even in the darkest, scariest of times. :)

xxxx

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