I've been bothered by intrusive thoughts lately and they are not your run-of-the-mill brain farts. They're the kind of thoughts that when it crossed you it will make you go ''What the f*ck was that about?'', ''Oh, gross'' or just plain ''No.'' pair that with anxiety and you got yourself one hell of a horror ride.
Fortunately, they do go away, and your logical sense, and maybe even your sense of humor will rise above this distressing thoughts.
Mine started when I was about to go to sleep, I remember that I was feeling pretty tense already and one thought popped into my head ''I think I'm going crazy''. My body immediately responded with an increased heart rate and further anxious thinking about going nuts. I went downstairs to see who I could talk to and expected it to be my brother as he is a night owl. I told him what was happening.
Unfortunately my brother is very skilled at being a douche to me and told me scoffed at me and ignored me. From then on the intrusive thoughts have varied from afraid of bieng Schizophrenic, Suicidal, Incestuous, Murderous, and Ridiculous. Now, I would like to elaborate what triggered them so we can see how what anxiety does to you, how it blows everything out of proportion
The Schizophrenic fear I acquired when I was studying for the Psychometrician Licensure Exam (I passed by the way), and the topics involved abnormal psychology, so there we go.
The Suicidal fear is given, I am aware of my current vulnerability given that I had a history of depression and suicidal ideation.
The Incest fear, I got this when I was watching the movie ''The Dreamers'' which has a semi-incestuous theme, since I was still pissed at my brother for being a douch, I was horrified at the incest and so intrusive thoughts of my incest wth bro ensued. Which is really gross.
The Murderous fear, I had a brief intrusive thought with me wanting to hurt or kill my family, but thinking about it now makes me sad.
The Ridiculous fear, most recently I had the fear of my mom or my family finding out that I don't believe in God. I was afraid that she will blame me for my Panic Anxiety because I don't believe in him and that is the cause of my suffering, that I am being punished for my atheism.
With respect to those with religious beliefs.
I was so scared that I tried to pray but it just made it worse cause believing in a god is just as ridiculous as my fears.
I've known about Schizophrenia before but I only got scared of it now, I've been suicidal before but I only got scared I would do it now, I've known my brother for as long as I remember but I only got scared of incest now. I've entertained the thought of hurting my family when I was angry but I only got scared of it now. I have been an atheist for three years now but I only got scared about it now.
The facts are, I am not a Schizophrenic, I am not suicidal anymore and I want to live, I am not sexually attracted to my brother, I don't want to kill or hurt my family, I love them, and I wouldn't want to hurt them even if I didnt love them, and I dont believe in God.
It's tough having this problem. It helps when I'm able to verbalize these thoughts and feelings, take them apart and separate the me from the anxiety. Of course, that's easier said than done, especially when you are currently experiencing the intrusive thoughts, leading to a panic attack.
The last time this happened to me (a couple or so hours ago) I was drunk with fear, unable to think straight. Trying my hardest to ignore, supress, and laugh off the intrusive, irrational, anxiety-induced thoughts.
It lasted throughout the day and it ended up with my heart rate reaching 121 per minute, I just let the feelings come through and breathed into a paper bag until, gradually, I felt better.
It ends, and I continue living.
I sometimes feel as though I cannot breathe. I have had two anxiety attacks in the past year, the only ones I have ever had. But when I get anxiety, my heart beats fast. I begin to flush, and avoid eye contact with anyone near me. I fidget and get sweaty. But more than the physicals, I am so deeply terrified of whatever is giving me this anxiety that I can barely even act rationally. Simply biking though my neighborhood is a stressful experience. I wonder if the people outside are judging me, and whenever a car goes by, my throat closes up. I do anything to avoid crossing the street while a car is waiting. Talking on the phone is terrifying to me, as well as interacting with little children when their parents are present.
I cannot explain any of this to you, or why it happens. But it makes me feel very alone. I've never met someone with G.A.D. before, or talked to someone with it. I have considered going to a group therapy for anxiety as well as psychotherapy but none are around me that I can find. If you suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, or any anxiety disorder at all, you can talk to me. I'd be very grateful. And that really goes for anyone struggling. I've also suffered from major depression and so I have insight and experience into that, although I'm not in any way a doctor or psychologist, I can give my advice.
Anyway, I wish you luck in your recovery, and if you want you can talk to me.
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