Monday, 29 December 2014 12:26

Anxiety Story Secondary School

i then went onto secondary school , which i was very anxious about which it is for any child , who is starting big school , but for people with anxiety disorders its alot worst. 

 Has i had moved house , i was told that i would have to get a coach to school , which added to the anxiety even more,  i would be going out of my hometown to get to school , i remember standing at the bus stop and dreading having to get on the coach but i wasnt to bad has i made a friend while standing at the bus stop which made me feel so much better , and we were both nervous and in the same boat so i didnt feel completely alone . after a few months of being there i lefted that school has i started bunking & not wanting to go , i didnt enjoy the whole travelling experience it wasnt for me , so i then went to a local school thinking that it might be the solution , it was okay for a while , but i then starting bunking school again , it was literally around the corner from me , so i could walk it,  but for some reason i was terrified of walking to and from school on my own, leaving the front door was so hard , even meeting a friend was difficult, i remember my mum telling my friend to go on without me, has i was just to scared to get up and go, i froze i didnt want to move , i remember just laying in my room crying and scared cause i didnt want to go school . it soon became obvious to the school , that something wasnt right , i remember being called to the headmasters room for a meeting with my mum , i just sat there crying and scared and there were asking me questions and i couldnt answer them , like why i didnt want to go to school? but i didnt know myself , i had no reason to not want to go, i just didnt know why i was, the way i was.

& before i know it the anxiety was getting worst and the only time i felt better, was when i was at home away from everyone. so thats what i did i locked myself every from everyone , so i didnt have to deal with the anxiety, it was like the only way i felt i knew how to deal with it at the time,  i was then admitted to child mental health to see a therapist, i was there til i was 16 or 17 , i was doing so well i was going out , making friends , and doing what i loved i was living my life i managed my prom i was so happy and then it all went down hill , when i lefted school ,  i was 16 at the time and i relapsed really badly , just out of the blue, has all the support i was getting from the school stopped and my mental health support & my support from connexions also stopped not long after  , has i had hit that age where i was no longer a child, i had to be referred to adult mental health, for more therapy and to yet be dianosged , but in the mean time things were really bad , i started to pushing friends and family away , everyone who cared for me & loved me i pushed away no one didnt anything horrible to me. it was me i was going through this really bad time and everything started to fall apart , i was feeling every emotion you could think off  , and none of my friends could understand why i was doing this , has i never said anything to my friends about my struggle with my mental health, i kepted it a secret , so i was completely on my own at this point , and i stopped leaving the house , all i would do is sleep and cry.  

Published in Diary
Thursday, 06 November 2014 00:46

How it feels

6 November 2014

Suffocating. That's how it feels. It feels like my mind is being suffocated. I can physically feel the heaviness and heat weighing down on my mind. And it scares me. I feel like i've lost control. And why, for what? What even brings on these episodes, attacks rather. Because that's what they are. Thoughts that attack you and bring you down. But how can I stop them from happening when I can't even pin point the thoughts that stir the emotions and make me feel this way?

i just don't know.

 

I came across this poem and I feel like it describes how I  feel perfectly:
If I ever get hit by a car,
thank the man behind the wheel
Because he took me away
from a place I didn't want to be
And if I ever get shot
tell the man who pulled the trigger
That he just did what I was
Always too scared to do.

I just feel like that's exactly how I feel. It's like, I want to escape all this pain and suffering, but I am too scared to do so.

I am too scared to live. But i'm too scared to die.

 

- thatgirlmarilyn

Published in Diary
Monday, 03 November 2014 18:48

First Input

Have been very anxious and depressed without seemingly to be able to control it. Prayer and meditation help alot, but medications  so far have not been working out or have given me bad side effects so get off of them after a few weeks or even a few days. Palpitations, suddenly waking in the night out of a sound sleep, heart pounding...it's getting very old VERY fast.  Tired of the fears and persistent thoughts of dying.  Tired of the dizzyness, weakness and fatigue. Tired of the gastrointestinal problems, constipation then diarrea, cramping, gas pain, reflux and globus feeling. Just tired. Frustrated.

Published in Diary
Page 1 of 5