Thursday, 20 February 2014 22:37

It began again

Last night I beagan having that feeling i had expierenced since the start of last years summer. I went to bed with my wife and started feeling out of reality, losing my focus, feeling faint, and letting fear into my heart. My fear of dying and not being there for my child seems to always be haunting me. I began to Pray and read Psalms chapter 1-10. I'm not sure if King David ever felt like me but just like he did I put my Hope in My God. I don't take any anti-anxiety pills or have a therapist, I wonder sometimes why this happens to me or if I deserve it. God is there but he gave me common sense. I was lying in bed and tried going to sleep, as soon as i closed my eyes I could only hear my heart beating. I started to count the beats and soon it started beating faster. I started freaking out and almost had a full on attack but I stopped myself and said,"NO". I kept thinking about Isaiah 41:10 'Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.' I believe these words with all my heart. I always remember what he has done in my life. When my mom went into cardiac arrest and fell into a coma, the doctors said she wasn't going to make it. That was the day I gave my life to Jesus. I remember I put my trust in him and knew everything was going to be fine. To the doctors surprise she recovered and  got better and now she is practically her old self. You wouldn't think she's been through that if you saw her. Now I always tell myself, "if God can bring your mom back from the dead, do you think he can't heal your problems? Do you think he can restore the chemicals in your brain to a perfect balance?" I know he can do it, In the end this whole expierence has brought me closer to him than I ever thought I would. I can't say the same for everyone out there, There are those who believe in God and those who rely on Science. I choose to believe in God and use my common Sense to excersise, eat healthy, and live a righteous life. I know My healing will come soon and I pray that everyone who suffers with the same expierence be healed as well. There is hope and I know I've expierenced thoughts of suicide. I ignore it because life still has a meaning and a purpose. I know my prayers will be answered and I will not be put to shame. Thank you Lord for the storm. I will stay Strong and continue on.

Published in Diary
Wednesday, 04 September 2013 12:54

I will take my life back


  • Grnewh

    Wednesday, 04 September 2013 03:08 posted by Grnewh


    Mine started a few weeks ago with what I thought was a TIA. Later , thinking that i was heading for a stroke, I had this uncontrollable anxiety. Could push it back a bit but ended up in ER. they said. Uh huh, anxiety gave ma a large shot of and then little pills of atavan.....


    It'll go away for a day or three and lull me into complacency....then it hits again with new symptoms....this time unbearable back n neck pain ( I do have some spinal problems). I could only stop it by lying flat. Then, I thought.....hey, I'll bet..... I goofled the Interwebs..... anxiety does masquerade this way. Sneaky bastard.... Breathe ...mantra.... L'theanine and finally one o them little I'm angry at it and writing this....kill that mother loving (edited myself that time) anxiety....I will I will I will.......


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Published in Diary
Wednesday, 31 July 2013 02:54

When will i learn?

I Consider myself to be a smart person. But even after so many years having Anxiety/Panic attacks i still find myself worrying that it really is a heart attack. I know that must be the "Fight or Flight" Response but it still is scary everytime! I have this fear that after so many years of having these Panic attacks that my heart must be worn out from them, that maybe the next panic attack will be the heart attack.  

I hate Heart Palpitations. But the Cardiologist says my heart is fine. I am plus sized but i am working to change that. i think my weight is contributing to my anxiety very much. No excuses..I love food. i know even if i am average weight i would still love food. i just have to make better food choices and stick to that and plan my meals. I am also a pop addict. :( yes soda' favorite soda pop is coca cola. Yes it has caffiene. but in my mind i tell myself if i have heart palpitations i blame the pop. So why is this a never ending cycle? that is where CBT comes in to play. i know i am better now than ever before because changing thoughts and habits. But if you start reading this again you will think not really. i am still a work in progress But i am not as bad as i was in the beginning when my anxiety started in my teens. i was very housebound, always needing another adult around and have a car outside just incase and they better have a mobile phone! Yes that was me. I now am a mother of 3 and a stay at home my own house. i go out and take my kids for walks and i occassionally meet with friends and socialize..So yes CBT helped me. and i love my life despite the occassional anxiety/panic attack. 

I can do this. I just have to be determined and keep trying. i hope you reading this will find peace and calm for yourself.

Much love and light.



Published in Diary
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