Thursday, 06 November 2014 00:46

How it feels

6 November 2014

Suffocating. That's how it feels. It feels like my mind is being suffocated. I can physically feel the heaviness and heat weighing down on my mind. And it scares me. I feel like i've lost control. And why, for what? What even brings on these episodes, attacks rather. Because that's what they are. Thoughts that attack you and bring you down. But how can I stop them from happening when I can't even pin point the thoughts that stir the emotions and make me feel this way?

i just don't know.

 

I came across this poem and I feel like it describes how I  feel perfectly:
If I ever get hit by a car,
thank the man behind the wheel
Because he took me away
from a place I didn't want to be
And if I ever get shot
tell the man who pulled the trigger
That he just did what I was
Always too scared to do.

I just feel like that's exactly how I feel. It's like, I want to escape all this pain and suffering, but I am too scared to do so.

I am too scared to live. But i'm too scared to die.

 

- thatgirlmarilyn

Published in Diary
Monday, 03 November 2014 18:48

First Input

Have been very anxious and depressed without seemingly to be able to control it. Prayer and meditation help alot, but medications  so far have not been working out or have given me bad side effects so get off of them after a few weeks or even a few days. Palpitations, suddenly waking in the night out of a sound sleep, heart pounding...it's getting very old VERY fast.  Tired of the fears and persistent thoughts of dying.  Tired of the dizzyness, weakness and fatigue. Tired of the gastrointestinal problems, constipation then diarrea, cramping, gas pain, reflux and globus feeling. Just tired. Frustrated.

Published in Diary
Thursday, 20 February 2014 22:37

It began again

Last night I beagan having that feeling i had expierenced since the start of last years summer. I went to bed with my wife and started feeling out of reality, losing my focus, feeling faint, and letting fear into my heart. My fear of dying and not being there for my child seems to always be haunting me. I began to Pray and read Psalms chapter 1-10. I'm not sure if King David ever felt like me but just like he did I put my Hope in My God. I don't take any anti-anxiety pills or have a therapist, I wonder sometimes why this happens to me or if I deserve it. God is there but he gave me common sense. I was lying in bed and tried going to sleep, as soon as i closed my eyes I could only hear my heart beating. I started to count the beats and soon it started beating faster. I started freaking out and almost had a full on attack but I stopped myself and said,"NO". I kept thinking about Isaiah 41:10 'Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.' I believe these words with all my heart. I always remember what he has done in my life. When my mom went into cardiac arrest and fell into a coma, the doctors said she wasn't going to make it. That was the day I gave my life to Jesus. I remember I put my trust in him and knew everything was going to be fine. To the doctors surprise she recovered and  got better and now she is practically her old self. You wouldn't think she's been through that if you saw her. Now I always tell myself, "if God can bring your mom back from the dead, do you think he can't heal your problems? Do you think he can restore the chemicals in your brain to a perfect balance?" I know he can do it, In the end this whole expierence has brought me closer to him than I ever thought I would. I can't say the same for everyone out there, There are those who believe in God and those who rely on Science. I choose to believe in God and use my common Sense to excersise, eat healthy, and live a righteous life. I know My healing will come soon and I pray that everyone who suffers with the same expierence be healed as well. There is hope and I know I've expierenced thoughts of suicide. I ignore it because life still has a meaning and a purpose. I know my prayers will be answered and I will not be put to shame. Thank you Lord for the storm. I will stay Strong and continue on.

Published in Diary
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