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Tuesday, 23 June 2015 02:02



I just can't seem to get out of this mood I'm in.  I'm depressed, anxious, feel helpless and out of control.  I drink too much, I don't get along with people and if I'm not at work, I'm in bed. It's time for this to stop, but I don't know how to get out of the spiral I'm in. 


I keep having dreams, getting religious stations on my radio, seeing various things all with the common factor of basically "giving this to God".  I was born a Roman Catholic.  I haven't practiced in almost 15 years.  There's so much hypocrisy in religion it makes me ill. 


So here's my deal. In December of last year, my Dad suffered a major stroke which left him unable to speak (my Mom passed in 2011).  In January, my Husband kicked me out, I totalled my car and I lost my job.  I now drive a '99 Taurus station wagon to my $10 per hour job (which I love, btw) and live in a basement bedroom for $400 a month.  I'm in so much debt, I'm trying to save up enough money to file for bankruptcy. 

In May, my son turned the "legal age of majority" (19) and graduated high school.  He's chosen to live with his paternal Grandfather so he can be near his girlfriend (who truly is a lovely girl).  But, I'm like, empty nesting or something.  I feel like I've lost my purpose.  And I feel like a failure.  I am 39, twice divorced, broke and broken.  I have daily anxiety attacks.  I haven't slept all night in months.  I get furious at stupid things, and I'm incredibly jealous of people with "happy" lives - yet I don't have the courage to do anything to make myself happy.  I'm scared to drive somewhere new to try out something new.  I'm looking for spirituality without religion.  I have no confidence and every week I make myself the promise that THIS is the week I start trying to lose weight.  And then I go buy pizza and a 12 pack of Dr Pepper, candy bars and chips.  

I know the only one who can fix this is me.  I've been to the Dr.  I've changed up my meds.  Talk therapy does not work for me.  I feel like I'm hashing and re-hashing all this bad stuff for no reason, there's never any resolution to it, you just keep talking about it.   I'm actually considering hypnotherapy.  But there too, I would actually have to get there.  I have this weird problem with going places I don't know where exactly they are at.  If I schedule an appointment, I often times will drive there several times in advance and scope out the building if possible (go inside, find the path to the office and retrace my steps several times).  Yes, I'm weird.  But this is why spontanaiety doesn't work for me.  If a friend calls and says "Hey, let's go do this!" I can't because I didn't have time to rehearse. It's overwhelming, and I am not very good with people (probably figured that out at the "twice divorced" part) .  I am very noise sensitive so crowds or noisy bars or restaraunts don't work for me.  

I want to get better, but I don't know, am I too broken to fix?  And am I worth fixing? After all, who's going to want me? 

Published in Diary
Thursday, 23 January 2014 06:43

My 3am Random Thoughts

I've never been the person to open up to people, I find it hard to talk about my feeling, my passions, anything emotional; well unless I've been drinking it's always been difficult, even with alcohol in my system it seems like something I just wasn't programmed to do. Everyone in my family, mostly my parents tell me that I only care about my self and I don't care about others and that hurts, it's almost become like a daily routine for me to hear people say that to me, and even if they don't say it I plays on my mind constantly.

I can't get a single good thought across, right now my mind it literally on the fritz and I'm trying to talk about my brainy wonders. I'm losing the battle. How do I win a battle against myself when I don't even know how to start? I'm losing a battle with myself and it's affecting my social life. I can't explain to myself how I feel yet still I know, but others won't know so I will alway come across like a cod distant person. How do I even begin to win this fight?! Am I even making sense right now?!

Sometimes I wonder if because of this if I'm going to end up alone, there's noone out there sane enough to have the patiences to be with someone they're not sure even cares about them. Who's sane enough to love and accept that I might never be able to fully express how I feel about them. I probably show more emotion to my pillow, mainly because a pillow can't reject me, a pillow will always be there. A human on the other hand, they can stand up and decide that it's time to let go of me. That is something I can NOT handle, rejection is the worst losing someone is something I've never been able to coupe with. Yet still I yearn for companionship, someone to love me.

Always felt like the love of a significant other was one of the most important things out there. To be able to meet someone and fall in love and spend the rest of your life with that person, that is beautiful. I am so in love with love, but I'm always very terrified of it. But the concept is something I could only dream of. Being able to create your own family and allowing your family to grow on is amazing. Actually brings me joy, love, but I don think I'll ever have it, to be quite honest. I'm way to scared to put myself out there to be torn down. I don't care what anyone tells me heartbreak is NOT apart of life, people tell you that to make you feel good, just makes me feel even worse actually.

My future scares me, what I want to be is something I'm not even sure I can handle. I want to teach people but I'm horrible as a leader because I don't like being the center of attention or speaking in front of crowds. How am I suppose to teach and I can't even speak to the students. I really don't know what to do with my life anymore. I just, I don't know anymore. Don't even think I'm good at this whole dancing thing so how can I teach others. I don't have confidence how am I suppose to motivate others if I can't do it for myself?

In a few months I won't be able to call myself a teenager, and I don't know what I want to do with my life really, I have no plan or back up plan. What happens if I don't get into that school what am I going to do then? Oh my god my life just feels like I don't even know. 

Trying to stay positive is actually hard when you can't see the rainbow from the hole you dug for yourself.


Published in Diary
Monday, 30 November -0001 00:00

I Am Me, But Who Is Me?

I hate talking about myself

Usually when I do i find anything to slip past the situation

I have a troubled past amongst many others and more then three quarters of the worlds population

Mine consists of rape on numerous occasions that consisted of men and women, both old and young, by people I thought i could trust who had either sold me, used me, or gave me to someone else

Physical and emotional abuse from my peers and those elders we were taught to respect

Growing up i have met gay people, they were either disowned, beaten or killed. I don't really understand what it's like to remember the faces like many others do when they lose friends or family, for it didn't take long before even in my dreams, their faces became blurs, but the events still find it's way back into my mind.

I choose to care for those around me, not to be the kind soul or gental hearted person that wants to save the world. No i choose to care, because I can at least make someones life that much better just by smiling or doing a simple act of kindness. It isn't so hard, but it isn't done often enough.

I choose to put others before myself, because i have a habit of disreguarding myself and it is easier to focus on others problems then my own. I don't know how many times i had to take credit for a crime I never commited. I know i am going about it all wrong, but in the moment, even though your mind tells you to just tell the truth and all will be alright, maybe there will be a strain in trust or the relationship someway, somehow, my meart chooses to cover it up in hopes the person doesn't get upset with me and chooses to stay my friend. Sad because the reality of it just makes me a loser in many ways.

In Elementary school i was a bright kid, i could have accomplished so much, but i chose to dumb myself down in hopes of having the bullies back off and everyone else stop taking advantage of me. I guess i didn't realize until after i graduated high school and having helped so many others graduate and go to college that if i had focused on myself and just got my work done normally i could have actually gotten to a good college and escape these awful people that i would never have to see again.

I have a mother who cares and loves me with all her heart, but i can't give a single phone call once a day, instead it seems i can't wait for the conversation to end after three minutes and call once either once every couple of days and sometimes a week.

I have a father who doesn't need to be in my life, but tries. Our conversations consist of the "Hellos" and "How was your day" followed with a "be safe, I love you" short and not even a minute long. nothing straining the relationship just my own sense of time as though i have something better to do than talk to the man who has made an effort to be in my life.

I am married to a man I used to be unable to stand. Met in high school, became friends after my bestfriend had moved in with him. They hung out everywhere and a bit of envy set in for the one person keeping me sane in my life was taken from me, although it sounds silly, it is still how i felt. Now we are best of friends and married as equals, free to flirt and do what ever with whoever. It sounds like the perfect relationship, when it isn't a relationship at all. Who would have thought my first marriage was without the love you'd see in the movies, it is more a relationship of siblings than lovers. Sad really, it is the only relationship i've ever known other than being used as a sexual object for anyone to use, because maybe just maybe it's all i am actually good for.

What am i good at, i'm not sure, I really don't know, I am good at talking to people and making friends, actually holding the conversation or keeping interst i am not too good at and actually keeping a friendship that lasts more than a few days is close to impossible considering no one has "time" for anything. Work, school, volunteer, family, friends, etc. there is always something I have to do, although this truly is not the case, i just tend to find staring at the four walls of my bedroom more entertaining than attempting to embarress myself anymroe than i should.

I can't sleep at night, there are unwanted memories that like to slither their way into them. I am terrified to sleep. I barely take my small naps just so i don't have to dream. just darkness, somewhere i find comfort. unhealthy, but it's what gets me through each and every day i suppose.

Published in Anxiety General Blog

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