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Monday, 06 June 2016 04:10

Am I The Only One?

 

This question, and many others, have plagued me for quite some time. Yet, I cant help but think to myself maybe (just maybe) I'm not the only one? 

I know I'm not the only one who suffers from a mental illness, or a disorder. While this is true, I cannot help but wonder is there anyone else out there who isolates themselves from others, or keeps people at a distance in attempt to save them from having to deal with your issues? 

Or, do things like Stays Single, Keeping Family and Friends at a Distance, Avoids public places and holiday events from being petrified to be around anyone in the fear of being judged or stigmatized, along with being consumed with fear of being triggered, frustrated, or irritated? Which only throws you into (what seems like) an endless downward spiral of uncontrollable thoughts and emotions where there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel. Which can last from hours on end, if not a couple of days. 

Yet, at the same time, wanting SO BAD for someone to talk to, or a friend to turn to, who will accept you, be you're friend through thick and thin? 

When, In fact, all you can find is the saddening comfort of solitude and the deafening quiet of the four walls you call home? Or, the awkward silence from those who say they are your friend when you turn to them for help. Or worse, them avoiding you like you were the plague?

 

While most of this happens in my own life. I can't even begin to put into words how terribly lonely it all can be. As I have spent an obscene amount of time isolated and alone. 


I often feel as if I'm trapped in a self made solitary confinement with no door on either wall. And the messed up part of it all is? I do this all to myself. 

Issues such as bipolar/ ptsd can indeed be difficult to handle for others who don't know, or for that matter don't want to know about them. Yet, it would simply be a breath of fresh air to actually have a friend to open up and communicate with. Someone who not only is nonjudgmental and accepting, but also is able to see past the mental illness and see a person, not just the illness/ disorder itself. 

Yet, day in and day out, “the mask” is put on. For no one see's the depressed lonely person in front of them. They simply see the mask. While the face hidden behind the facade weeps and craves for genuine human interaction.

Was just curious if anyone else out there goes through the same thing or am I the only one?

As I ask that question, many more bombard me as I bring this to a close. ..... Is there really anything wrong with me? Is it really what some of my old friends (who are no longer my friend, mind you) said? That it's all in my head. Am I making it all up or making excuses? I mean, I've known for a long time, after being hit by a vehicle at age 7 (and dying in the process), that I was different from others around me. Yet, if there is nothing wrong with me, why do I stay so isolated, so secluded away from society? Why can't I walk past my front door and go to the store to get food and supplies? Or yet, have a relationship or keep friends? 

So many questions, I know. Yet, I can't help but sit here and wonder. Am I making myself out to be worse then it is? Which is why I'm here writing this now, wondering, is there anyone else out there that goes through the same things? Or is it all a figment of my imaginations run rampant in my head? I'm sitting here driving myself crazy, stressing, day in and day out wondering all this.

 

Published in Anxiety Articles
Monday, 04 March 2013 01:56

Going to start writing here

I just need an outlet and I don't have anyone to really talk to right now, so I thought I would just go ahead and write on here. Lately, I've been feeling incredibly hopeless, a deeper kind of despair than I've felt before. I don't really know what to do. I keep going to see my psychiatrist and I keep taking my medication, without the results I had hoped for. I tried a support group and didn't like it and I continue to isolate people and recede from society. I recently deleted facebook because it's just too frustrating and depressing. I reconnected over text with an old friend who has more issues than I do, and he is a good support for me. I like feeling like I have someone who understands. Boyfriend continues to not understand or give me what I need. It makes me question how good the relationship is for either of us. Feeling so vulnerable and inadequate wears me out. I feel like it's just a matter of time before he gets tired of me and leaves. I'm so scared of being abandoned. I'm too scared to form relationships with other people. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I haven't smoked pot in two weeks, but I've been drinking a lot more. I worry about what this will do to me long-term, and I worry about losing my looks and having a weak stomach eventually. It's so hard to not do it; it provides comfort and calms my nerves. I was off of work today and I couldn't imagine being awake all day without distractions and being sober. I want to find a new job so I can start smoking again. That was one thing that helped tremendously. The ADHD medication helps a lot, temporarily. I feel like that anti-depressants don't work but Boyfriend tells me they do. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was recently (re)diagnosed with OCD. It manifests itself in one of the grossest habits I can think of and I feel terribly ashamed, but I don't have much desire to stop. Even though this is anonymous, I'm not ready to talk about it yet. I've only ever talked about it to my psychiatrist. I also learned the things I think about obsessively aren't too uncommon and most fall under the blanket of "contamination". I guess my former obsession with germs spiraled into this fear of food contamination, GMO foods, nuclear waste, radioactive waste, oil spills, fracking, and pandemic situations. I'm also obsessed with poverty, overpopulation, the economy collapsing, the water supply and being raped. It's difficult to not think about these things. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I feel like such a failure and I worry about where I'll end up. I worry I'll be too mentally ill to function in society one day and I've come to accept that things will always be like this. I have dealt with chronic depression for most of my life, but for a long time I was hopeful. I tried to make things better and I'm still here in this same boat. Feeling so hopeless makes me just want to throw in the towel. I think about killing myself almost every day. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I wrote a couple of letters to my father and I'm going to post them in a separate post. I want to try to find him to give him these letters and any others I write. I have so much to say to him.
Published in Diary
Monday, 30 November -0001 00:00

I Am Me, But Who Is Me?

I hate talking about myself

Usually when I do i find anything to slip past the situation

I have a troubled past amongst many others and more then three quarters of the worlds population

Mine consists of rape on numerous occasions that consisted of men and women, both old and young, by people I thought i could trust who had either sold me, used me, or gave me to someone else

Physical and emotional abuse from my peers and those elders we were taught to respect

Growing up i have met gay people, they were either disowned, beaten or killed. I don't really understand what it's like to remember the faces like many others do when they lose friends or family, for it didn't take long before even in my dreams, their faces became blurs, but the events still find it's way back into my mind.

I choose to care for those around me, not to be the kind soul or gental hearted person that wants to save the world. No i choose to care, because I can at least make someones life that much better just by smiling or doing a simple act of kindness. It isn't so hard, but it isn't done often enough.

I choose to put others before myself, because i have a habit of disreguarding myself and it is easier to focus on others problems then my own. I don't know how many times i had to take credit for a crime I never commited. I know i am going about it all wrong, but in the moment, even though your mind tells you to just tell the truth and all will be alright, maybe there will be a strain in trust or the relationship someway, somehow, my meart chooses to cover it up in hopes the person doesn't get upset with me and chooses to stay my friend. Sad because the reality of it just makes me a loser in many ways.

In Elementary school i was a bright kid, i could have accomplished so much, but i chose to dumb myself down in hopes of having the bullies back off and everyone else stop taking advantage of me. I guess i didn't realize until after i graduated high school and having helped so many others graduate and go to college that if i had focused on myself and just got my work done normally i could have actually gotten to a good college and escape these awful people that i would never have to see again.

I have a mother who cares and loves me with all her heart, but i can't give a single phone call once a day, instead it seems i can't wait for the conversation to end after three minutes and call once either once every couple of days and sometimes a week.

I have a father who doesn't need to be in my life, but tries. Our conversations consist of the "Hellos" and "How was your day" followed with a "be safe, I love you" short and not even a minute long. nothing straining the relationship just my own sense of time as though i have something better to do than talk to the man who has made an effort to be in my life.

I am married to a man I used to be unable to stand. Met in high school, became friends after my bestfriend had moved in with him. They hung out everywhere and a bit of envy set in for the one person keeping me sane in my life was taken from me, although it sounds silly, it is still how i felt. Now we are best of friends and married as equals, free to flirt and do what ever with whoever. It sounds like the perfect relationship, when it isn't a relationship at all. Who would have thought my first marriage was without the love you'd see in the movies, it is more a relationship of siblings than lovers. Sad really, it is the only relationship i've ever known other than being used as a sexual object for anyone to use, because maybe just maybe it's all i am actually good for.

What am i good at, i'm not sure, I really don't know, I am good at talking to people and making friends, actually holding the conversation or keeping interst i am not too good at and actually keeping a friendship that lasts more than a few days is close to impossible considering no one has "time" for anything. Work, school, volunteer, family, friends, etc. there is always something I have to do, although this truly is not the case, i just tend to find staring at the four walls of my bedroom more entertaining than attempting to embarress myself anymroe than i should.

I can't sleep at night, there are unwanted memories that like to slither their way into them. I am terrified to sleep. I barely take my small naps just so i don't have to dream. just darkness, somewhere i find comfort. unhealthy, but it's what gets me through each and every day i suppose.

Published in Anxiety General Blog

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