Day One of the Forum

My Background:

Episode 1: As a teenager I was a professional singer. I was raised to be a rock star, basically. I wasn't famous or anything but made pretty good money. My father was a brilliant guitarist who was in the band with me. I had the best music equipment and was able to work with brilliant musicians (all much older than me). After I graduated high school I went to Berklee College of Music in Boston. When I came home for my first summer break (Lincoln, NE) my father was arrested for embezzlement. It seems that's how he was funding my music career and college. The first panic attacked I had was in 1999, shortly before my 21st birthday. My father was just sentenced to prison I did not have the money to continue school in Boston. I was quite the pot head and suddenly I had panic attacks anytime I smoked. So I did the rational thing and quit smoking weed. It worked. No more panic attacks. I lived my life as normal, working, writing, hanging out with friends. When I was 24 I decided to go back to college for something entirely different. (Before it was music, now it was ancient literature and religion). One semester in my apartment burned down and I lost everything. I had a difficult time, but in general I was fine.

The medicine I'm taking right now is the worst of them all. I feel really bad, light headed and my hands are shaking constantly.

Socialising is even harder than before: I can't concentrate nor look a person in the eyes. I constantly feel the need to detach myself from everything.

All in all, I'm afraid that if I tell my therapist everything I'm going to be hospitalised again, which isn't an option because she said that next is going to be a sanatorium.

I am scared.

I wish I could just snap my fingers and disappear. 

A bit about myself as an introduction

I am writing these diary entries as it helps me a lot with coping, but also incase it will help anybody else who is wishing to relate or offer advice.

I suffer primarly from emetaphobia, panic disorder, panic attacks and anxiety disorder.

i also suffer from a type of social disorder, and ocd and other phobias such as needles.

I have been having help since the age of 6 and am developing to cope better with day to day life..

I have overcome anerexia, partly needles due to CBT, depression and small daily tasks i have been unable to do in the past such as public transport.

I am currently 21 years old and am completing a degree in university, i do not live at home but i am with my partner who is the most amazing person in the world and i love him dearly.

so this is a little about me

feel free to get in touch, i am more than happy to talk to people over chat :) and listen to anybody who would like to talk x