Monday, 13 October 2014 17:53

Struggling

Hi everyone.  I am new to this site but I am really struggling so I thought I'd reach out.

I have been a generalized anxiety suffere for almost 10 years now and I've been off and on meds throughout that time.  I remember my life before meds and I was functional (maybe not super happy all the time, but functional).  My anxiety increased in my 20s and I decided to go on meds.

 

So recently I've been on 10mg of Prozac for about 3 years now and I'm thinking of having a kid so I decided to go off of the drugs.  About two months later I stood up from dinner and got really lightheaded.  My brain felt like it was being squeezed and my vision went all melty blurry.  I fell down and launched into what I guess was a full blown anxiety attack.  I've never had one before and it was obviously really scary.  It lasted almost 10 hours and I eventually went to the ER.

That was two months ago.  Ever since then it's like the anxiety beast is out of it's cage.  I feel lightheaded all the time (almost a dizzy feeling but with no vertigo).  My heart races for no reason, and I feel anxious a lot  without warning.  I am super scared of having another panic attack but most of all I just don't feel like myself.  This is interfering with every aspect of my life and I feel like no fun at all.  I am afraid to exercise or dance or do anything that might push my body to some unknown limit.  I get terrible headaches and generally just feel really weird.  If I drink a beer I feel even weirder. WTF is going on with me?

Has anyone else experienced anything similar to these symptoms?  I saw a GP and she suggested that I should go back on meds.  I am really hesitant to do that for a few reasons:

1.  I am afraid the meds have made my anxiety worse, to the point where I can't deal with it without taking them

2.  I want to have a kid at some point soon and I'd rather not be on meds

I really keep thinking that this will get better.  I have tried acupuncture, yoga, and herbal calmers but nothing really has solved the problem to any noticeable degree.  If anyone has any insight into this I would greatly appreciate it!  I just want my old life back.  I know I used to be able to not be on medication and function.  I feel like my brain is broken.

Published in Diary
Tuesday, 13 August 2013 18:18

"Sam, I don't know what to say"

Everyone would rather I keep my pain a secret; hold it inside of myself like some rotting fetus I'm supposed to push out and bury. They'd rather I forgot and smile and laugh and engage like nothing is happening inside of my brain, inside my soul.

People don't know what to say when they've never seen a hole as deep as mine. They don't know how to save me, or even know that they should.

 Then again, maybe I'm just being dramatic.

Published in Diary
Tuesday, 07 May 2013 00:27

Day One of the Forum

 

Day One of the Forum

 

My Background:

Episode 1: As a teenager I was a professional singer. I was raised to be a rock star, basically. I wasn't famous or anything but made pretty good money. My father was a brilliant guitarist who was in the band with me. I had the best music equipment and was able to work with brilliant musicians (all much older than me). After I graduated high school I went to Berklee College of Music in Boston. When I came home for my first summer break (Lincoln, NE) my father was arrested for embezzlement. It seems that's how he was funding my music career and college. The first panic attacked I had was in 1999, shortly before my 21st birthday. My father was just sentenced to prison I did not have the money to continue school in Boston. I was quite the pot head and suddenly I had panic attacks anytime I smoked. So I did the rational thing and quit smoking weed. It worked. No more panic attacks. I lived my life as normal, working, writing, hanging out with friends. When I was 24 I decided to go back to college for something entirely different. (Before it was music, now it was ancient literature and religion). One semester in my apartment burned down and I lost everything. I had a difficult time, but in general I was fine.

Published in Diary
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