Sunday, 02 February 2014 00:04

2/1/14- My first day

I am so tired of worrying all day every day. Today wasn't as bad as the others but still not good. I am so paralyzed by the fear of something being wrong with me that I just stand back and watch as happy people live their lives without a care in the world. Today it was the fact that I have rough dry patches of skin, occuring genetically, but I of course see it as a problem with my thyroid. I also have headaches. Being the rational person I am, I was seeing it as a tumor or the all dreaded big C. I want so badly for their to be nothing wrong that I am wasting my days sitting on google and aging substantially. My face and body breaking out. I have so many aches and pains, but not because I'm sick, but because I do nothing but panic alll day. I've had anxiety since a very young age. Thinking that something bad will happen if I thought it, or even said it. I found solice in knocking on wood and chanting.  I still find solice in my old ripped up Winnie the Pooh pillow that I got when I was 3. It has been here with me through all of my hard times and fears, not that my family hasn't been but I feel like they don't truly understand how hard it is to be me. To be this person who is crippled by fear from the time she wakes up ,to the time she goes to bed. I'm crying as I right this. Nobody but my family knows the extent of my OCD/ Anxiety and Hypochrondia.I find it hard to share this personal information with all of you, but since this is a place full of people like me, I feel okay, slightly nervous, but okay.

Published in Diary
Monday, 30 September 2013 01:33

Too young to suffer

This is my first entry, so I suppose I'll do a bit of an introduction, as well as a summary of my current state of anxiety. The reason my title is too young to suffer is because I am 22 years old and I have so much anxiety in my life, I can't get over it. It was first noted by doctors when I was 3 that I had OCD tendencies so I guess I was born this way. I've had very differing levels of anxiety and panic throughout my life. Middle school was awful (but then again, when isn't middle school awful!?). High school was great. My first year of college was a bit of a bump-but only because my roommate told everyone I was crazy and had panic disorder (this quickly blew over when everyone realized she was the crazy one...). I succeeded amazingly in college, even with a job and an internship. I have never had any problem meeting and maintaining friendships, I've been in one long-term romantic relationships, and a lot of dates since then. So I often say...if this life were given to anyone else (without all this anxiety, panic, OCD thought pattern...) they would be monumentally happy. And don't get me wrong-I have been very happy, but it's times like now when I wonder how I could be happy without a happy pill. 

 

My doctor recently cut off my panic medication, and I readily agreed to it. I was beaming from college graduation and ready to greet the world with open arms. I hadn't had a panic attack in years and figured I was ready to go off of it-I just had gone through major life changes, 2 surgeries, been diagnosed with chronic migraine...yea I could do this. The withrawal was interesting, but nothing I couldn't handle. I did fine, no panic, low anxiety. That is, until I started my new job. My chest has not loosened since I started my new job. The lump in my throat has not disappeared. My chronic migraine is pretty bad since I started my new job. Part of the reason things are rough is because I'm living with my parents and my mentally challenged brother. I love my family, but they don't totally have healthy ways of living (I mean mentally-the house is a mess, they procrastinate, don't communicate well). And this has increased my anxiety like you wouldn't believe. I'm still dirt poor so there's no way I can move out anytime soon. I'm paranoid about work-about messing up, making a mistake and getting fired. I know somewhere there is the person (the real me!) who is confident, vibrant, pain-free, worry-free, and ready to give to the world, but I cannot get through this wall. Even relaxation techniques are a bust. Also, note that I am on a high level of anti-depressant for the OCD, and this is the only one that doesn't cause me to have seizures. Yes...I am only 22, tell me about it!

Published in Diary
Thursday, 25 July 2013 18:36

My Wonderful World of Blogging

So yeah... I've been trying to make my own website basically just like  this one, but nobdy likes it I guess. Sucks to suck... but yeah if anyone actually cares I made a blog during the hardest part of my treatment called King Kong's Bitches. Yep. http://ocdfighter.blogspot.com/

My website for teens with OCD is called www.twaarp.wix.com and that blog is pretty boss: http://twaarp.blogspot.com/ LOOOVE IT!!

 

So yeah...

Published in Diary
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