I just need an outlet and I don't have anyone to really talk to right now, so I thought I would just go ahead and write on here. Lately, I've been feeling incredibly hopeless, a deeper kind of despair than I've felt before. I don't really know what to do. I keep going to see my psychiatrist and I keep taking my medication, without the results I had hoped for. I tried a support group and didn't like it and I continue to isolate people and recede from society. I recently deleted facebook because it's just too frustrating and depressing. I reconnected over text with an old friend who has more issues than I do, and he is a good support for me. I like feeling like I have someone who understands. Boyfriend continues to not understand or give me what I need. It makes me question how good the relationship is for either of us. Feeling so vulnerable and inadequate wears me out. I feel like it's just a matter of time before he gets tired of me and leaves. I'm so scared of being abandoned. I'm too scared to form relationships with other people. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I haven't smoked pot in two weeks, but I've been drinking a lot more. I worry about what this will do to me long-term, and I worry about losing my looks and having a weak stomach eventually. It's so hard to not do it; it provides comfort and calms my nerves. I was off of work today and I couldn't imagine being awake all day without distractions and being sober. I want to find a new job so I can start smoking again. That was one thing that helped tremendously. The ADHD medication helps a lot, temporarily. I feel like that anti-depressants don't work but Boyfriend tells me they do. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I was recently (re)diagnosed with OCD. It manifests itself in one of the grossest habits I can think of and I feel terribly ashamed, but I don't have much desire to stop. Even though this is anonymous, I'm not ready to talk about it yet. I've only ever talked about it to my psychiatrist. I also learned the things I think about obsessively aren't too uncommon and most fall under the blanket of "contamination". I guess my former obsession with germs spiraled into this fear of food contamination, GMO foods, nuclear waste, radioactive waste, oil spills, fracking, and pandemic situations. I'm also obsessed with poverty, overpopulation, the economy collapsing, the water supply and being raped. It's difficult to not think about these things. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I feel like such a failure and I worry about where I'll end up. I worry I'll be too mentally ill to function in society one day and I've come to accept that things will always be like this. I have dealt with chronic depression for most of my life, but for a long time I was hopeful. I tried to make things better and I'm still here in this same boat. Feeling so hopeless makes me just want to throw in the towel. I think about killing myself almost every day. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I wrote a couple of letters to my father and I'm going to post them in a separate post. I want to try to find him to give him these letters and any others I write. I have so much to say to him.

I don't have an actual diagnosis of agoraphobia. I am diagnosed with severe clinical depression and anxiety including OCD. I do have severe issues with getting out of my home. I am not really afraid of leaving really. I am not afraid of people seeing me or anything that some people I know are agoraphobic are. As far as I figure, my problems are more with the preparation to go and fears that I might forget something before leaving or coming home. I also become overwhelmed if planning to get some place gets complicated. I still love to get out! I love being at Mom's. I love to be at a restaurant for a meal. I even love to be at a store shopping! I don't mind so much going by bus... but I dread coming home by bus. I also dread arranging to get a ride home.

It isn't that I don't like being home either. I am quite comfortable here even though I have a clutter issue. It is "home" to me. It is the organizing to go that is the problem. It wasn't nearly so much an issue when I still had a car to drive places. My car was in my comfort zone. I could always get in my car and go home whenever I wanted and get something. I could always have a sports bag with me that had all I might want or need... but travelling by bus... or with a ride from someone else... it is not as easy.

Decades ago, a psychiatrist told me that a part of some of my panic with travelling somewhere had to do with my obsessing on the details of the route and on the perfect route. So I wonder if it is that same OCD issue. That I obsess on perfection or something similar, that I obsess on what might go wrong if I forget something when I go out.

Of course when it comes to going out, I have some health issues that come to to play. When I go out shopping, I likely will pay for it with a few days exhaustion. Health issues reduced my stamina which reduced what I could do. (I didn't reduce what I was doing which reduced my stamina... so many assume that. I went down fighting. I still fight it.) A person sometimes hesitates to do things that cause pain. I mostly hide, even from myself now, when I have panic/anxiety attacks. They do help exhaust a person though.

I take the bus to my Mom's for family occasions even though I could get rides there, but I do gratefully accept a ride home. I still don't know why even the thought of catching a bus home panics me? It always has since childhood. I can do it, but... when I was taking Zoloft years ago that tamed it a bit. And taking trazidone helps me not to be panicking as I think about it now. (Basically I don't get a flashback now.)

However I write too much... I still don't think I have traditional Agoraphobia. I am not afraid of being away from home. I am not afraid of being around others — though I do have problems panicking a bit in crowds when things get too tight. (Think standing room only on a bus.) I feel too many "stories" amongst all those around me. ...and I am still writing too much...

I guess it doesn't matter what it is called really. It keeps me from visiting friends. It keeps me from seeing my Mom. Worse it keeps me from getting groceries or seeing the Doctor. So even if it isn't agoraphobia, it is one thing, it is a Problem.