Last month marked the 20th anniversary of the first attacks on the World Trade Center. Largely unnoticed, even in NYC, the families of those who were lost -- seven souls in all, one of which was an unborn child -- were allowed to commemorate their loved ones at a ceremony held at the current 9/11 Memorial. That date, 2/26, not nearly as memorable in numbers of those lost nor of those of the date now embedded in our collective consciousness.
On 2/26/93, I was an undergrad at a college a few blocks north of the WTC. When news of the bomb and sounds of the sirens made their way to campus, not a single class was canceled. This was a typical day in NYC. That day consisted of lectures, dorm life, the making of partying plans. I can't even recall a discussion of terrorism in any class that followed that day. Life went seamlessly on.
On 9/11/01, I was working in a building a few blocks south of the WTC. When the first plane struck, I was in a conference room that had a clear view of the impact. We collectively gasped, but continued our meeting. Minutes later, when the second plane hit, we canceled our meeting. This was no typical day, not even in NYC. That day consisted of collapsing buildings, being trapped under and then above ground, and plans of escape. I can't even recall a day since that I don't think of what happened that day and the impact it has made on me all the years that have followed. Life goes limpingly on.
I have no one that I really trust to talk to. David made me cut ties with certain people and I can't completely blame him for that. I still feel like he isn't here for me enough. He's the only person I have anymore that I can trust and talk to, but he doesn't like talking to me much. He'll talk to me for about 10 minutes tops then goes and hangs out with his friends or plays his video games instead.
I just feel like I'm getting worst and worst. I have a freaking headache because I can't stop crying, ugh! I think I may have developed PTSD after being mugged months ago. I think that may be why my anxiety and depression are getting worse, as well. I can't even concentrate anymore. I try to go on craigslist to look for jobs, but I just have this distracting feeling.
I'm feeling so depressed today. I haven't seen my kids in over 3 weeks and that's definitely making things worse. I know they're well taken care of, but I fear when they come back they won't even recognize me anymore. This hurts. I just want to see them and hold them. I want to hear Ganon talk and I want to see Zelda moving around and laughing, cooing.
I don't have insurance and I can't afford to pay anything out of pocket for a therapist, but I know I badly need one. I've tried googling all that I can for low income/sliding scale fee therapist in my area, but I can't find anything! I feel so darn hopeless and helpeless. I'm stuck and I have no one to help get me out. I'm trying to do all the self help that I can. I'm eating healthier and trying to get exercise, but I feel like it's just not working.
I almost want to call the suicide hotline, like I've done so many times before when I actually felt suicidal. Just to talk to someone I fell like cares and that could maybe help me, but I know I can't do that. I'm not feeling suicidal yet and there are others who actually need that line to be free.
I told David I need lots of attention. I don't think he understands how horribly out of control this is getting for me, even though I tried telling him. Last night I went to the movies with my uncle and when someone was going back to their seat after getting up for something I was on edge for the rest of the movie and couldn't even pay attention because I was afraid of that person pulling out a gun and shooting up the theater.
I tried to get him to stay and talk to me on messenger earlier, but he didn't. The past couple days I've hardly talked to him. He just told me to talk to someone else. I told him I can't, because he's made me stop talking to the people that wanted to talk to me. He told me to find other people to talk to. Like it's THAT easy. Like I'm just going to open up to just anybody and risk them taking advantage of my trust.
I feel so frustrated. So hopeless. I feel like there's nothing I can do and no way for me to get help. I don't know what to do anymore.
So back in October I had a really, really bad panic attack.
I had ended up overdosing on ibuprofen. Honestly, I don't know if it was a suicide attempt or not. I wasn't in control, I know that much, because my panic took over my entire body and thought process. It was terrifying. I ended up calling 911 myself, because I didn't really know if I was dying (I was).
Anyway, I had to stay in a psychiatric hospital after I left the regular medical hospital, and it was the worst experience ever. Not only did I feel so out of place due to the fact there was a lot of people in there who had it worse than me, but no matter how you ended up there, people looked at you like you were crazy. And that's actually a PTSD trigger for me.
okay so blah blah blah.. I ended up leaving the inpatient after a week or so and had reached the state of nirvana once I was in outpatient. That lasted a week.
Now, only a few months later, I am back in the same exact place. My PTSD symptoms have subsided, but it's still something I struggle with.
Plus, maybe this is my unpopular opinion, but I hate physiologist's. All they want to do is pump my blood stream with drugs and it's such a god damn pain in the ass.
Sorry for this rant.
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