Follow Us

×

Warning

JUser: :_load: Unable to load user with ID: 20266

Monday, 06 June 2016 04:10

Am I The Only One?

 

This question, and many others, have plagued me for quite some time. Yet, I cant help but think to myself maybe (just maybe) I'm not the only one? 

I know I'm not the only one who suffers from a mental illness, or a disorder. While this is true, I cannot help but wonder is there anyone else out there who isolates themselves from others, or keeps people at a distance in attempt to save them from having to deal with your issues? 

Or, do things like Stays Single, Keeping Family and Friends at a Distance, Avoids public places and holiday events from being petrified to be around anyone in the fear of being judged or stigmatized, along with being consumed with fear of being triggered, frustrated, or irritated? Which only throws you into (what seems like) an endless downward spiral of uncontrollable thoughts and emotions where there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel. Which can last from hours on end, if not a couple of days. 

Yet, at the same time, wanting SO BAD for someone to talk to, or a friend to turn to, who will accept you, be you're friend through thick and thin? 

When, In fact, all you can find is the saddening comfort of solitude and the deafening quiet of the four walls you call home? Or, the awkward silence from those who say they are your friend when you turn to them for help. Or worse, them avoiding you like you were the plague?

 

While most of this happens in my own life. I can't even begin to put into words how terribly lonely it all can be. As I have spent an obscene amount of time isolated and alone. 


I often feel as if I'm trapped in a self made solitary confinement with no door on either wall. And the messed up part of it all is? I do this all to myself. 

Issues such as bipolar/ ptsd can indeed be difficult to handle for others who don't know, or for that matter don't want to know about them. Yet, it would simply be a breath of fresh air to actually have a friend to open up and communicate with. Someone who not only is nonjudgmental and accepting, but also is able to see past the mental illness and see a person, not just the illness/ disorder itself. 

Yet, day in and day out, “the mask” is put on. For no one see's the depressed lonely person in front of them. They simply see the mask. While the face hidden behind the facade weeps and craves for genuine human interaction.

Was just curious if anyone else out there goes through the same thing or am I the only one?

As I ask that question, many more bombard me as I bring this to a close. ..... Is there really anything wrong with me? Is it really what some of my old friends (who are no longer my friend, mind you) said? That it's all in my head. Am I making it all up or making excuses? I mean, I've known for a long time, after being hit by a vehicle at age 7 (and dying in the process), that I was different from others around me. Yet, if there is nothing wrong with me, why do I stay so isolated, so secluded away from society? Why can't I walk past my front door and go to the store to get food and supplies? Or yet, have a relationship or keep friends? 

So many questions, I know. Yet, I can't help but sit here and wonder. Am I making myself out to be worse then it is? Which is why I'm here writing this now, wondering, is there anyone else out there that goes through the same things? Or is it all a figment of my imaginations run rampant in my head? I'm sitting here driving myself crazy, stressing, day in and day out wondering all this.

 

Published in Anxiety Articles
Wednesday, 04 May 2016 01:29

The Beauty of Unravling

It feels like starting over, it feels like is an infinite strech of up and downs. It feels like both day and night.

On my worst days, my mind screams, "I want my old life back" and on my best, "I have hope that I will be better than my yesterday"

but like the ocean, it seems like a tired endless motion of tides and waves, drawing in and going back and I find myself laying motionless on the shores as time whips me and pulls me back, my soul crashes against the waves. 

However, I can do all things through christ who strengths me, and my beacon of hope comes through the light I KNOW is within me.

This real picture of joy, endless laughter, joy and love, things that are endowed in me, and more importantly self love which is teaching me, I am not what anyone calls me, I am only me.

 

Hope is an endless strength that looks past the present adversity, but a stretch into the bright yellow sun. 

 

Published in Diary
Friday, 29 April 2016 05:35

Anxiety Stricken

Anxiety hurts. Depression hurts. The worst part about it is you don’t see it coming. When it strikes you have no control. You are left feeling hopeless. You can’t breathe. You suddenly have people around you separating themselves from you. You become an excuse for other people’s behaviors. You become a burden on those who love you. People look down on you. People think you are weak. They don’t see or feel what you are going through. Breathing techniques don’t work. Exercise doesn’t help. Medication makes you foggy. I have no idea how to combat this illness that is within me. I have no idea how to stop hurting those I love. I don’t even realize that I am hurting them. It’s hard to find support. Because being someone of this disorder makes you not trust others. We have been hurt so many times in the past that it makes you feel as if no one can ever understand. The heart palpitations, shortness of breath, screaming, and severe muscle cramps makes it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. When anxiety strikes, it strikes fast and hard making it very difficult to see coming. Identifying your anxiety can prolong an attack, but unfortunately, you can’t stop it. You can only slow it down. It’s hard to put into words as to how these attacks feel. Mainly because I blackout when they happen. Then the next thing you know you have hurt a friend or a loved one because you can’t control yourself… no matter how hard you try. One thought turns into one hundred thoughts… those one hundred thoughts turn into a whirlpool of negativity attempting to bring you into the abyss. The hardest part is to stay above water… to keep pushing. It’s hard because you start to doubt everything around you. You ask yourself why you are even here. What is your purpose? All you seem to do is hurt yourself and others, right? Why do people lash out at me? Why do I lash out at others? Why am I alone when others surround me? So, many questions trigger in your brain. So quickly in fact that you cannot process what is happening. You just break down. Unfortunately, the only way you can seek comfort is by ending it all. The easiest solution seems to be removing yourself from the equation. Your friends and loved ones will seem happier if you are not around. How do you live with something so dark within you? I don’t want to take medication. I don’t want to my loved ones to feel obligated to treat me a certain way. I just want to be normal. I just want to be accepted. I don’t want to be an inconvenience. I want to be someone who is strong enough to help others. I am weak. I am broken. But only because I am having trouble facing my past, and what others have done to me. When you have anxiety, one small issue can trigger a previous emotion or memory causing your whole mental capacity to hone into that one moment. It’s almost impossible to recover from. I’ve had others ask me, “How do you expect me to live with someone like you all my life?” My only answer is I don’t know. I don’t even want to live with myself all of my life. I have nothing to offer. I live in a world held captive by this disease. I just want to be free from the hurt and the pain. I hold it in until I explode. When I explode its at the point of no return. I sometimes wish I could be locked away from the world, and myself. I wish I could find a way to be free…. to accept myself. I feel bad for those around me. I have nothing to offer them but pessimist thoughts and negativity. Only because that’s what I know and how I think. I want to be exposed to a world free from those thoughts. I don’t know if I will ever see this world only because the world I see now involves me. I hurt others. I break down. I hold grudges. I have no friends. I have no support. You don’t see people trying to help unless they know it’s too late. They only do this so they don’t have to go to bed at night feeling guilty about what they could have done differently. I now find myself alone fighting this battle. Fighting for ways to make it go away. Fighting for the moments in life you fear that you will never have. Anxiety hurts to the bone. Unfortunately, depression follows. Depression increases the anxiety and makes the recovery so much more painful. How could you at like this? Who thinks like this? Why is no one helping? Why can’t I stop? What’s wrong with me?  Who will ever love me? Why does no one love me? Why is no one there? It’s simple. They don’t understand. You don’t think normally. You cant no matter how hard you try. So, what’s the point of trying when everyone else has given up on you?

Published in Diary
Saturday, 04 October 2014 06:03

My Journey

Hi, my name is Holly. I am seeking out a community of people who understand anxiety. I feel so alone in my condition sometimes. I feel like I am crazy and that I make up everything that is wrong with me, but I am learning that that is not true.

I have been going to doctors very routinely since about the 1st grade (I am a sophomore in college now). For all these years, I have usually been told that nothing is wrong with me. My problems have been breathing issues, stomach issues, acid reflux, neck pain, general body pain, exhaustion, sore throat, exessive mucus, etc. I always felt hopeless and insane. I felt like I was making up my problems and became progressively depressed.

In the 10th grade I became extremely depressed. I was very suicidal and started taking antidepressents. I honestly don't remember much after getting on those pills. All I know is that they stopped my anxiety attacks and they caused me to sit at home and stare at a lot of walls. I think I was working with a bad psychologist at this point in my life. I am trying to get the courage to try anti anxiety pills soon because the anxiety is out of control again.

My current problems include breathing difficulties, extreme stomach pain, inability to eat much, exhaustion, and lots and lots of emotional anxiety issues. After going to 3 specialists, I have been told that nothing is physically wrong with me and that basically all of my medical conditions can be attributed to anxiety. The time has come for me to try anti-anxiety pills because this anxiety is taking over my life.

I am trying to be hopeful that things will get better. I have big dreams. I am an actress and a singer and I want to pursue those passions. I want a family and I want happiness. But anxiety is stopping me from doing all of this. I need a community to be on my side and help me to understand my anxiety. But I am going to have faith that it will get better. I need to have faith that it will get better.

Published in Diary

Support Us By Shoping at Amazon

JOIN SOCIAL NETWORK

we are a community of people struggling with mental health issues, you are not alone!

JOIN ASN NOW

Support us By Shoping at Amazon

JOIN ANXIETY SOCIAL NET TODAY

We are a community of people struggling with mental health issues, you are not alone!

JOIN ASN NOW

 

 

featured