Day One of the Forum

My Background:

Episode 1: As a teenager I was a professional singer. I was raised to be a rock star, basically. I wasn't famous or anything but made pretty good money. My father was a brilliant guitarist who was in the band with me. I had the best music equipment and was able to work with brilliant musicians (all much older than me). After I graduated high school I went to Berklee College of Music in Boston. When I came home for my first summer break (Lincoln, NE) my father was arrested for embezzlement. It seems that's how he was funding my music career and college. The first panic attacked I had was in 1999, shortly before my 21st birthday. My father was just sentenced to prison I did not have the money to continue school in Boston. I was quite the pot head and suddenly I had panic attacks anytime I smoked. So I did the rational thing and quit smoking weed. It worked. No more panic attacks. I lived my life as normal, working, writing, hanging out with friends. When I was 24 I decided to go back to college for something entirely different. (Before it was music, now it was ancient literature and religion). One semester in my apartment burned down and I lost everything. I had a difficult time, but in general I was fine.

well its been about 3 months since my very first panic attack and my introduction into the world of anxiety. i want to go back but it seems to be hard. i recovered twice in the past 2 months or at least i thought i was recovering. the first time i thought it was over, i was so happy to be myself again and then things start to get bad again. hand numbness and tingling, i felt so disappointed in myself as if i let myself down. the anxiety came back but this time i was scared of having a disease. every little head pain worried me, every tingle, every numb sensation. my face, my arms, my hands and feet you name it. although ive seemed to get over the feeling of 'The fear of fear" (i think) i now have a new foe i have to combat against, its health anxiety. i didnt feel this way the 1st month and a half of having anxiety. i was just scared something with set off a panic attack, i hated the feeling i had in the pit of my stomach. now im worried im sick, mentally ill, tumors, multiple sclerosis, bell's palsy. yea ive been looking up way too much online and maybe i should stop. i guess my online research has evolved as well. from anxiety help to 'whats this a symptom of, whats that a symptom of?" and the many things that come up are almost overwhelming. i hope i really am okay, i hope i can get past this feeling too and even more so i hope the fear stays away. 

after suffering my first panic attack from a bad reaction after smoking Spice, something i had never done and regret so badly in november and having about 3 more attacks of panic in december it seemed i finally had gotten over it. i spent a couple days over a few weeks having my dad care for me as he too has had anxiety attacks and panic years ago when he was younger. he doesn't have them at all anymore. in fact, he can even drink coffee almost daily. he gives me hope i guess you could say. he got over it naturally.

so after staying with him for awhile, he was having me drink a mix of st. john's wort and valerian root tea every night before going to bed. i remember feeling so anxious and scared. worse than how i feel now. i havent had panic attacks since december and a couple weeks ago my anxiety had all gone away. i was happy again, i could hangout with friends and go to work. i was so relieved. but up until last week i slowly started feeling the symptoms again. very slight fear, and everyday it seemed to get a little more noticeable, day by day, little by little. until i almost feared i was going to have a panic attack but i never did. and now the past couple of days ive been feeling a bit anxious, nothing like the first time i experienced anxiety but it still bothers me. it still weighs on me. my dad says theyre flashbacks. that I'm getting better but its a process of which symptoms go away and then return for a bit and then go away again until one day youre just free. at least thats how it was for him. i trust what he's says is true, because he's my dad. he's an herbalist, if thats even what you call people who are certified in herbal remedies and natural medicine. he got into it when he suffered from panic. he said he used to stand outside the ER when he would get attacks. he didnt know what was happening just like the rest of us when we first experience them. he'd stand outside in case he were to pass out or really feel like he was going to drop right there. he'd stand there until the attack would pass, he would have to leave work to do this. eventually he saw a DR. that put him on medication. about 6 months in he told the DR he wasnt getting any better, he seemed to get worse. sure the pills helped calm him down when he got attacks but he never saw an improvement until he met a man who was an herbalist. the man put him on supplements for his body. detoxification and just natural medicine and eventually he got better. and this was years ago, everytime i ask about his experience with anxiety i feel hope that ill get past it too. i hope i can also as so many people are able to. i just wish it could happen now, it sucks feeling like this. i notice talking about it helps a bit, even crying helps. well i guess ill start updating my progress on here. i hope this site helps in overcoming anxiety as well.