I've grown quite a bit in the past few months. I've gone through PTSD which led to agoraphobia, beat my agoraphobia, gotten my driver license, got a new job, helped my boyfriend to achieve greater things.
Now I'm going to rewind to before all this happened. I'm going to explain my current situation of where I'm living, who I'm living with, why I'm living here.
In December 2011 I was severely depressed. Things with my boyfriend weren't going well, things at work weren't the best, I just felt mopey. It got to the point where anxiety had crawled out of me and was taking everything over. I couldn't handle it anymore so I decided to just commit myself to the psychiatric ward. Only, when I went in they wouldn't take me. They said someone else had to commit me and I had to be unwilling to go in.
The next best option was to go to the emergency room and see if there was any way to commit myself to the temporary, short in patient adult mental health unit. No such luck as they were full. So they took a urine sample, some blood samples, a psychologist came in to talk with me. Then they decided to give me an Ativan and send me on my way. Right when I got up to leave a nurse rushed back to say
"I don't know if anyone else told you this, but a pregnancy test came back positive for you."
I was in shock. I felt first pissed off that a doctor gave me an Ativan while knowing I was pregnant and then upset at myself for feeling suicidal and not realizing I was pregnant.
I already had my son and it was difficult to afford bringing him up as I was the only one working between my boyfriend and I. We had room mates to help out with rent, thank goodness, but there was no way I could afford another kid. I decided to go in for an abortion.
I scheduled for one asap so that I could hopefully get the medicinal abortion. Just take a pill and your done. However, there's only one clinic left in my area and they had a pretty full schedule for a while. By the time I could finally make it in, I was JUST passed the medicinal stage and now could only get the vacuum procedure. I sat in the clinic feeling scared, shaken up, upset. I read all the horrible things that could go wrong from having this procedure done. I told my boyfriend I couldn't do it. He persisted that I went through with it. I started having a panic attack and then I was called back. I told the nurse that I didn't want to have it done. She told me it was my decision and my decision alone. I left that day without an abortion. My boyfriend was majorly pissed off at me and wouldn't even talk to me for the rest of the day.
I decided since I was going to have another baby, I had to get my life in gear and fast. I stuck with the job I was unhappy at, I started going to college and I got my driver instructional permit. I thought I could handle everything and I would have both of my kids and lead my life being happy around them, doing what I wanted and loved to do.
Only things didn't go as planned...
When it became closer to my daughter's due date (August 2012) my boyfriend and I decided we had to have our room mates move out. We were staying in a small two-bedroom apartment and I felt ready to just do things on our own as a family. I wanted my son to have his own room so we could make room for our daughter. Things became really difficult financially at that point. There was back rent that hadn't been paid in so long from our room mates missing payments and my boyfriend only getting unemployment money. They moved out and left us with this burden. My boyfriend's unemployment dried up and I was the only one working, while also trying to pay my way through college and raise two kids. Eventually we couldn't handle rent anymore so we had to leave.
This is where things became much more difficult.
Not wanting us to go to a homeless shelter, my boyfriend decided we should reach out to family for help. I had spent my remaining teenage years living at my grandpa's. When I moved out he told me if I ever got pregnant I wasn't welcome back because he didn't want to "take care of anymore kids." My kids were not welcome there and with him being an alcoholic and the fights we get into when he's drunk, I really didn't want my kids there either. Also, my boyfriend wasn't allowed to stay there.
David (my boyfriend) decided to move into his sister's. The kids were able to stay there as well.
All the stress from everything that was happening overwhelmed me and made my anxiety worse to the point where I flunked out of school when I only had two classes left before completing my certification. I'm still planning on going back, but that put a slight damper on my future. Not only that, but work became a lot more difficult than it ever had been and I had to make the decision to quit for my own health and safety.
Both of us being jobless and homeless, David and I decided to try to get jobs. He didn't have internet at his sister's house to properly search for jobs. He also had no money for an type of transportation. I still couldn't have my kids at my grandpa's house. Not only that, but we were also having problems with his sister smoking spice and cigarettes in the house, effecting our kids' health. Her son was also getting mixed up wrongly with our kids (that I won't get into on here.)
We made the very difficult decision as parents... For the health, safety and happiness... To give them to his mom for a while until we got our life in order and back on track once again.
She's done wonderfully taking care of them and I can't thank her enough or ever truly repay her for everything she's done. This has by far been the most challenging thing for me. I want so badly to just wake up to my baby girl crying. For my son telling me he's woken up. I want to make snacks for my son. Listen to him laugh, teach him new words, watch him play with his toys. I want to see my baby girl smile, crawl around, babble and coo. I want to hold them and kiss them and just generally enjoy their presence, but I can't. David's mom lives a town over and though I can drive, my van is unreliable so I'm stuck being able to only drive to nearby vicinities.
There are people who take for granted being able to see their kids. There are people who don't and now I really understand what it's like to be a mom. Now I understand why people seem to change when they have kids. Things are starting to look up, they are getting better. But every day I go without seeing my kids just hurts me more. It's difficult to stand there at work and talk to costumers with kids. It's hard to ring up their purchases and see the smiles on their kids' faces and know that something as simple as what they're doing with their kids is something that I just can't do right now.
I hate talking about myself
Usually when I do i find anything to slip past the situation
I have a troubled past amongst many others and more then three quarters of the worlds population
Mine consists of rape on numerous occasions that consisted of men and women, both old and young, by people I thought i could trust who had either sold me, used me, or gave me to someone else
Physical and emotional abuse from my peers and those elders we were taught to respect
Growing up i have met gay people, they were either disowned, beaten or killed. I don't really understand what it's like to remember the faces like many others do when they lose friends or family, for it didn't take long before even in my dreams, their faces became blurs, but the events still find it's way back into my mind.
I choose to care for those around me, not to be the kind soul or gental hearted person that wants to save the world. No i choose to care, because I can at least make someones life that much better just by smiling or doing a simple act of kindness. It isn't so hard, but it isn't done often enough.
I choose to put others before myself, because i have a habit of disreguarding myself and it is easier to focus on others problems then my own. I don't know how many times i had to take credit for a crime I never commited. I know i am going about it all wrong, but in the moment, even though your mind tells you to just tell the truth and all will be alright, maybe there will be a strain in trust or the relationship someway, somehow, my meart chooses to cover it up in hopes the person doesn't get upset with me and chooses to stay my friend. Sad because the reality of it just makes me a loser in many ways.
In Elementary school i was a bright kid, i could have accomplished so much, but i chose to dumb myself down in hopes of having the bullies back off and everyone else stop taking advantage of me. I guess i didn't realize until after i graduated high school and having helped so many others graduate and go to college that if i had focused on myself and just got my work done normally i could have actually gotten to a good college and escape these awful people that i would never have to see again.
I have a mother who cares and loves me with all her heart, but i can't give a single phone call once a day, instead it seems i can't wait for the conversation to end after three minutes and call once either once every couple of days and sometimes a week.
I have a father who doesn't need to be in my life, but tries. Our conversations consist of the "Hellos" and "How was your day" followed with a "be safe, I love you" short and not even a minute long. nothing straining the relationship just my own sense of time as though i have something better to do than talk to the man who has made an effort to be in my life.
I am married to a man I used to be unable to stand. Met in high school, became friends after my bestfriend had moved in with him. They hung out everywhere and a bit of envy set in for the one person keeping me sane in my life was taken from me, although it sounds silly, it is still how i felt. Now we are best of friends and married as equals, free to flirt and do what ever with whoever. It sounds like the perfect relationship, when it isn't a relationship at all. Who would have thought my first marriage was without the love you'd see in the movies, it is more a relationship of siblings than lovers. Sad really, it is the only relationship i've ever known other than being used as a sexual object for anyone to use, because maybe just maybe it's all i am actually good for.
What am i good at, i'm not sure, I really don't know, I am good at talking to people and making friends, actually holding the conversation or keeping interst i am not too good at and actually keeping a friendship that lasts more than a few days is close to impossible considering no one has "time" for anything. Work, school, volunteer, family, friends, etc. there is always something I have to do, although this truly is not the case, i just tend to find staring at the four walls of my bedroom more entertaining than attempting to embarress myself anymroe than i should.
I can't sleep at night, there are unwanted memories that like to slither their way into them. I am terrified to sleep. I barely take my small naps just so i don't have to dream. just darkness, somewhere i find comfort. unhealthy, but it's what gets me through each and every day i suppose.