On the day I had my final breakdown, my last real day as a member of society, there were absolutely no inklings of what was to come. I have always been socially awkward to the point of phobic, and I had indeed been to therapy for it and panic attacks and of course the depression. But still, I was living my life just like everyone else. There was no second, third, ten thousandth thoughts about going out the front door. That day though, the last day of august 2009, shaped my future in a way I did not see coming. I was hanging out with friends; we went to a local mall for some lunch. I thought I saw a girl I knew through a friend who I knew had a crush on me, so I literally turned my back in hopes she didn’t see me. Never been good with relationships, anyways, I think that was the match that lit the dynamite. I felt horrible about it, thinking it was her and she saw me snub her, I don’t want to be seen as an asshole, even if I am one. So I say good bye to my friends and head home. I get a call from another friend to hang out but I have to go and pick her up. On the way something began to happen. I began to focus on the fact that I may have snubbed that one girl, who was the friend of the friend I was going to pick up. Anyways, I started panicking. Panicking behind the wheel is not a good experience. So I tried to go with some breathing techniques taught to me by many a shrink over the years, four seconds in, four seconds out. I am doing all this while trying to appear normal in front of the friend I just picked up. But on the way back to my house I began to hyperventilate from the damn breathing techniques. My fingers began to tingle, as did my toes. The panic attack has begun. The tingle spread to my extremities, hands, feet, legs, all tingle and unable to move. I had to pull over and do a Chinese fire drill with my friend so we wouldn’t crash and die. Now with her behind the wheel I am left with the choice, hospital or home? It was literally left or right. Was it a heart attack? Was it just a panic attack? I decided to just go home. My friend had to help me back inside these walls and I laid on my bed unable to move for about 4 hours.

The next day I assumed it was just a panic attack, nothing to worry about and began my errands for the day. Within 3 minutes of turning the car on I felt it returning. The panic came, the pain came, and that was it. I haven’t left for longer than an hour since then. And that hour was only in the past few months on a heavily medicated trip out to the world. I tried to get a hold of my government funded (as I am a poor bastard) psychiatrist. Called him and my general practitioner that day, didn’t hear back from either of them. I tried to tell myself that I will be fine in a few days. I just need to work through something. What I had no I idea, but something. Then a few days became a few weeks. Then a few months. Then I stopped saying it. Finally my government shrink got back to me, because I had to cancel all my appointments not because of my emergency call, and he told me to go to the emergency room. Alas, being unable to leave the house without pain, I couldn’t make it to the hospital. Not for a couple years till I had a panic attack so back I was sure it was a heart attack. And that led me to medication for my problems. It also gave me the very clear outlook on government funded mental health programs. I learned that if I wanted help, I would have to pay for it.


Why have I shared this story with you, if anyone indeed is reading this. Well, I’m not too sure to be honest. Gotta start somewhere so I figured why not at the beginning, and believe me, this is just the beginning. Also I had an experience today that reminded me of it. I went for a drive, unfortunately my license has expired so my mom was driving, and I had a very similar panic attack. Even after all the success I have had in the past few months I still suffer from what hit me the very first day. I was able to get through it though, and accomplish my errand, so, happy ending. But what is the moral of this story? Thinking you can handle it on your own doesn’t always work. Help is out there if you look, but you will most likely have to break into the old savings account. It’s unfortunate but it’s the truth. Government doctors, all though badly needed, see so many people a day that you just become a file to them, a case. That doctor I mentioned earlier that told me to go to the emergency room, haven’t spoken to him since. Not even a follow up call. If you pay the doctor they have to care a little, or else they can’t make rent. It is worth it. And so is medication, but I‘ll leave my thoughts on medication for the next edition. 

Published in Diary
Sunday, 29 March 2015 19:31

Where it all began

I find it easier to type my feelings down then speak face to face. So here is my story...

I suffer from Panic/ anxiety attacks, I also have depression and social anxiety. I don't quite remember why I am having them but I am hoping to start this journey in overcoming these conditions. I don't mind people reading my entry, I just hope it will make others understand and realise they are not on their own. Others suffer in silence without people knowing. Kind of like what I have been doing until this day. I have spent many years with these conditions; It is most likely due to the many situations were I have felt a whole load of stress i.e. Domestic violence, family problems, exams, relationship problems, trusting other people, Going into hospital (Which I absolutely hate) etc. All these situations I have bottled up, and has been tormenting me for years. Things I can't let go of, Things I am embarrassed to speak to someone about. But ever since today, I found this website (Anxiety Social Net). I only started today, but I already feel things have been lifted off my shoulders. Just by talking to a few of you on here. Just like to add I really appreciate the help and advice! Even writing this diary entry now is making me happier, I can speak about my life without anyone judging me. I have said more of here then I have ever said to anyone around me. It's wierd eh!

When I first experienced a panic attack, I was so scared. I was in college at the time, I had no clue what a panic attack was. I felt myself getting really anxious walking down the corridor, so I decided to go into the toilets and try and freshen myself up. But once I entered the toilets; my chest tighten, my breathing got faster, I was going dizzy/ faint like, I couldn't stand, I literally thought I was going to die! I just locked myself in the cubicle, It lasted a good long 5 - 10 minutes. Finally I got my breathe back. I felt so scared, I didn't talk to anyone for the whole day. I felt like I was a lunatic. I didn't want to see the GP, as I thought they would judge me and just throw me some pills. I would like to add, I have never been on pills for my conditions, I don't want the side effects and I don't really want to rely on them either. I want to overcome my conditions naturally, even if it takes me years to grasp the concept of finding a good way to overcome it. During college was when most of the my stress was at its highest, I wasn't sleeping well and most of the stresses listed above were happening at the same time. I didn't make a lot of friends at college (due to my social anxiety), so I didn't have anyone to talk too who would understand what was happening to me. I had a boyfriend at the time, I told him about my troubles and also about my anxiety and panic attacks. He wanted to help at first, as he did care about me. But the only thing was, he did not understand how approach some topics too well (Which frustrated me at the time) and he couldn't understand the way I was feeling. I was being too negative to him. I wished I had stopped now. He was one of the best things that have ever happened in my life. We broke up last year, December 30th. We went out for 4 years. I don't blame him, he deserves someone a lot better than me, someone without all the baggage and negativity.


Anyway, back to the panic attacks. I had them alot during college. Now I just have them when I am feeling extremely anxious, scared or stressed about something. The last one I have had was in December back when me and my boyfriend were together. The relationship was going through a rough patch. He brought another girl to ice skating one time and spent the whole time with her. It got me really anxious and stressed (All I got from him was 'Hi how are you doing?', then the conversation was over once I answered). It felt like my heart was being ripped out and I couldn't escape from the hurt. I literally felt my breathing go faster, so I ran into the bathroom and had te attack. I had to leave early, I felt so weak after the attack and I couldn't afford to have another one.

My anxiety and depression has been with my since high school. This is when the family problems started and when I was getting domestic abused. I used to have sleepless nights, and get to school extremely tired and exhausted. I started drinking caffiene in the morning and after school to keep me going through the day. Not a good idea, trust me on this! I got addicted to the caffiene. It took me a while to stop needing to drink it. I used to get into trouble at school because of how short my temper was due to the sleepless nights. I nearly got exspelled from school because of how angry I was getting. That added even more stress on my mind. At this time, my mind was juggling so much and from school to college my mental state went downhill. I was scared to approach people, I was even scared of everyone! I thought whoever walked past me had a knive or was going to beat me up. My anxiety levels were very high. I would isolate myself and sit in my bedroom on my laptop trying to cheer myself up. Also at this time I was suffering from suicidal thoughts (badly) I used to search up the easiest way out, I started walking in the roads, I tried jumping out of my window, I have daydreams of me dying. I literally felt I was insane. (I never ever told my boyfriend about my suicidal thoughts, I didn't need anyone else thinking I was crazy). Luckily, one day while searching for more ways to commit suicide, I clicked on a website giving me a bit of hope and faith that I can get through this, that suicide is not the answer! Thank you to the people who write them websites, you literally saved my life!  

The only times where I liked my college life, was when I travelled to Barcelona and Paris. I felt so free! I left all my anxiety and depression back in the UK. It was great, I actually felt myself again! I had so many compliments from others about how happy I looked. I wish I could go travelling more!

Enough about my condition, I want to end this entry on a good note. I have had help all through those years I have been suffering from my anxiety. Not from a person. Not from a website. But from my horse. Every moment I spend with my horse I treasure. I owe my horse so much for how she has helped me. She is my rock! I know it isn't the same talking to her, as I wouldn't get a response with advice etc. But she was the only soul I could talk to without feeling judged. Now I am at the stage where I need the advice and guidence from others. I want to beat this! and I am hoping this website will help me do this. With all you lovely people out there. There is something to live for. You just need to stay on the ride and find that special thing/person. Good luck everyone, I am always here if any of you want to share experiences or have some advice for me etc. I would really appreciate it.       

Published in Diary
Saturday, 24 January 2015 14:42

Social anxiety and history behind it for me.

So hi guys... first i want to say sorry for my bad english.
Lets bring it back when i was kid. i was always told i am shy and my parents told me that thats normal and its not a bad thing its great thing. so i told my self ok but ill try to change.
then school happend and in Croatia we have primary school and it was hell from me... i was shy and my ''teammates'' from class... hmm... i was beaten a lot and so from 5th grade to 7th grade they broke my legs and arms cuple times like i told u it was hell for me and then i went deep i was alone... alone... with my brain... then i decide to tell my mother ether u transfer me in other school or i will fall one class and it was in 7th grade that means in Cratia if i fall i will need to do extra year... again in 7th grade... my mom regrets now that she didnt transfer me and i was feeling better when i fall that class... i know i am not dumb and every1 was suprised that i did that and t was wierd i was good student but i was afraid to speak and i had good grades then 1 year i fall... but next 2 years was good 7th and 8th grade was perfect i meet a lot of good friends and by a lot i mean 2-3 but to me thats a lot... then high school came... and in high school... it was better but not that better... i didnt get beat up but i found this girl and we were together for 7 months and she understanded me then she left me and told me she was cheating on me... that sucks and then worst thing happend... my family didnt have much money i was poor and then my dad took his gun from war and shoot him self 5 m in front of me and my mom... and guys it was aaaaaaaaaaaaa worst thing ever but i had to stay cool and strong for my mother and sister and older brother... so i never cried... well didnt cry iin front of them and i know thats not a good thing to hide it but understand me i needed to be strong one... but i lived trough that and feel deeper and deeper... then i started to be in fear of people... there was period when i was thinking ppls will kill me and every1 hates me... it was bad rly bad... than i meet one good friend of mine and he was a dj and music producer he teach me everything and today i still work on music... and if anyone is intrested great way to express ur feelings trough music :D... so like i said i started with music and then gigs came... it was awesome all these ppls looking at me as a god for 1 hour...feelings is awesome but then i started usinng drugs... it went from awesome to not even good... and i will tell this to every1 soome weed it will relax u... but pls dont use speed or all that shit... i went so deep i was locked in my room for cuple months its that bad... 4 walls... 24 hours a day... dnt do cocain and that shit... trust me its bad... and now we come to this day... today.. i meet a girl and we were tgether for 1 year and we broke up 2 days ago and i am back in this shity state of saddnes and scared to come out of my room... but i told my selff ill i will go back in music ill dj again but i will set rules and when i set them i wont brake them... so what i am trying to say i still have a big emotional problem and HUGE social problem but i am trying to fix it and u should never stop trying and if there is some1 who want to talk let me know pls... if u want to try doing music for a theraphy let me know.. i know that helped me to express feeling to every1.

Thanks for reading and hope to get contacted so we can talk :D

Published in Diary
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