Saturday, 24 January 2015 14:42

Social anxiety and history behind it for me.

So hi guys... first i want to say sorry for my bad english.
Lets bring it back when i was kid. i was always told i am shy and my parents told me that thats normal and its not a bad thing its great thing. so i told my self ok but ill try to change.
then school happend and in Croatia we have primary school and it was hell from me... i was shy and my ''teammates'' from class... hmm... i was beaten a lot and so from 5th grade to 7th grade they broke my legs and arms cuple times like i told u it was hell for me and then i went deep i was alone... alone... with my brain... then i decide to tell my mother ether u transfer me in other school or i will fall one class and it was in 7th grade that means in Cratia if i fall i will need to do extra year... again in 7th grade... my mom regrets now that she didnt transfer me and i was feeling better when i fall that class... i know i am not dumb and every1 was suprised that i did that and t was wierd i was good student but i was afraid to speak and i had good grades then 1 year i fall... but next 2 years was good 7th and 8th grade was perfect i meet a lot of good friends and by a lot i mean 2-3 but to me thats a lot... then high school came... and in high school... it was better but not that better... i didnt get beat up but i found this girl and we were together for 7 months and she understanded me then she left me and told me she was cheating on me... that sucks and then worst thing happend... my family didnt have much money i was poor and then my dad took his gun from war and shoot him self 5 m in front of me and my mom... and guys it was aaaaaaaaaaaaa worst thing ever but i had to stay cool and strong for my mother and sister and older brother... so i never cried... well didnt cry iin front of them and i know thats not a good thing to hide it but understand me i needed to be strong one... but i lived trough that and feel deeper and deeper... then i started to be in fear of people... there was period when i was thinking ppls will kill me and every1 hates me... it was bad rly bad... than i meet one good friend of mine and he was a dj and music producer he teach me everything and today i still work on music... and if anyone is intrested great way to express ur feelings trough music :D... so like i said i started with music and then gigs came... it was awesome all these ppls looking at me as a god for 1 hour...feelings is awesome but then i started usinng drugs... it went from awesome to not even good... and i will tell this to every1 soome weed it will relax u... but pls dont use speed or all that shit... i went so deep i was locked in my room for cuple months its that bad... 4 walls... 24 hours a day... dnt do cocain and that shit... trust me its bad... and now we come to this day... today.. i meet a girl and we were tgether for 1 year and we broke up 2 days ago and i am back in this shity state of saddnes and scared to come out of my room... but i told my selff ill i will go back in music ill dj again but i will set rules and when i set them i wont brake them... so what i am trying to say i still have a big emotional problem and HUGE social problem but i am trying to fix it and u should never stop trying and if there is some1 who want to talk let me know pls... if u want to try doing music for a theraphy let me know.. i know that helped me to express feeling to every1.

Thanks for reading and hope to get contacted so we can talk :D

Published in Diary
Monday, 12 January 2015 02:15

Social Anxiety and no life

I've had social anxiety for what seems forever and I guess that would be accurate.  It's affected my life in so many ways.  There are so many things I've never done, so many experiences I've never had becaue of the overwhelming fear the anxiety produces.  At my age I've missed so much I feel like there is no chance for me now.  There are things that normal people learn as they grow up in junior high/high school and college.  Social skills.  That time has passed me.  It's terrifying to think I could be a lost cause at this point. 

I don't have any friends, girlfriend, anybody.  I've been through therapy, countless medications and I'm still without a life.  I've jumped into exercise, supplements and a healthier diet thinking that might help but I'm still the same person. Don't know if there is any reason to keep fighting. 

Published in Diary
Monday, 29 December 2014 12:26

Anxiety Story Secondary School

i then went onto secondary school , which i was very anxious about which it is for any child , who is starting big school , but for people with anxiety disorders its alot worst. 

 Has i had moved house , i was told that i would have to get a coach to school , which added to the anxiety even more,  i would be going out of my hometown to get to school , i remember standing at the bus stop and dreading having to get on the coach but i wasnt to bad has i made a friend while standing at the bus stop which made me feel so much better , and we were both nervous and in the same boat so i didnt feel completely alone . after a few months of being there i lefted that school has i started bunking & not wanting to go , i didnt enjoy the whole travelling experience it wasnt for me , so i then went to a local school thinking that it might be the solution , it was okay for a while , but i then starting bunking school again , it was literally around the corner from me , so i could walk it,  but for some reason i was terrified of walking to and from school on my own, leaving the front door was so hard , even meeting a friend was difficult, i remember my mum telling my friend to go on without me, has i was just to scared to get up and go, i froze i didnt want to move , i remember just laying in my room crying and scared cause i didnt want to go school . it soon became obvious to the school , that something wasnt right , i remember being called to the headmasters room for a meeting with my mum , i just sat there crying and scared and there were asking me questions and i couldnt answer them , like why i didnt want to go to school? but i didnt know myself , i had no reason to not want to go, i just didnt know why i was, the way i was.

& before i know it the anxiety was getting worst and the only time i felt better, was when i was at home away from everyone. so thats what i did i locked myself every from everyone , so i didnt have to deal with the anxiety, it was like the only way i felt i knew how to deal with it at the time,  i was then admitted to child mental health to see a therapist, i was there til i was 16 or 17 , i was doing so well i was going out , making friends , and doing what i loved i was living my life i managed my prom i was so happy and then it all went down hill , when i lefted school ,  i was 16 at the time and i relapsed really badly , just out of the blue, has all the support i was getting from the school stopped and my mental health support & my support from connexions also stopped not long after  , has i had hit that age where i was no longer a child, i had to be referred to adult mental health, for more therapy and to yet be dianosged , but in the mean time things were really bad , i started to pushing friends and family away , everyone who cared for me & loved me i pushed away no one didnt anything horrible to me. it was me i was going through this really bad time and everything started to fall apart , i was feeling every emotion you could think off  , and none of my friends could understand why i was doing this , has i never said anything to my friends about my struggle with my mental health, i kepted it a secret , so i was completely on my own at this point , and i stopped leaving the house , all i would do is sleep and cry.  

Published in Diary
Page 1 of 6