Follow Us

Sunday, 01 May 2016 04:35

Feeling Invisible

Today was just one of those days where I feel invisible to the world! First maybe I should say a little about myself. I moved to a new city a little over 11 months ago now. I moved here for a new job without knowing a single person. While I enjoy being around people I've always had a really hard time starting conversations with people. As you may guess, this makes it incredibly hard to meet new people and make new friends. I've only recently started learning more about social anxiety disorder and realizing it's an issue for me.

I've always known that my issue is that I don't know what to say to people to start a conversation with them. I'm horrible at small talk and you can't really start a conversation based on mutual interest when you don't know anything about a person. This leads to me second guess everything I say and either never start the conversation or feel like a complete idiot for starting the conversation and struggle to keep the conversation going. So one thing I've been trying to do since I moved here is find some groups for people with similar interests as me. This has mostly been a failure as my anxiety prevents me from going to meet a random group of people. It's hard enough to try meeting 1 person, meeting an entire group of people at once is nothing short of teriffying.

However, the one thing I have found some success with is the gym, or more specificlly CrossFit. Say what you will about it but I found it a few years ago and enjoyed it for 2 reasons: motivation/competitiveness and the sense of community. I love going because everyone is friendly, cheers each other on, and engage in a little gym talk. So I know some people there and we will talk a bit, but that's the extent of our relationship. That's unfortunate but I'd be more okay with it if it weren't for the fact that some of those people have became very good friends despite being there less time than I have; but I've never been invited to do something outside of the gym. Yes, part of this is my fault, I could ask them if they wanted to do something sometime... I know that but it still hurts to see the same people I talk to becoming friends and not being included.

Maybe I should get back to the main point of feeling invisible now. Today I went to one an open gym time and some of the people I usually talk to were there but not one of them said a word to me. They were all talking with each other, joking around, and working out together; but not one of them even acknowledged my existance. Again... I could have strated conversation with them, but I just felt like I would be intruding. Honestly the only interaction I had with anyone the entire time I was there, that didn't have to do with whether or not I was using a piece of equipment or not, was a brief exhange coach. You know, one of the the people that are paid to be there and to exchange pleasantries with the members.

I was pretty down by the time I left and got me thinking about all the other things that make me feel invsible. I've recently been trying to start doing some volunteer work lately and I contacted the organization about it. I got a pretty immediate reply that I had contacted the wrong person and they forwared me on to another person. A few days went by with no reply so I decided to contact them again just to be sure my message hadn't been overlooked. Once again I recieved a pretty immediate reply letting me know they had been busy but they would contact me at the beginning of the next week. Well, it's been over a week since they said they would contact me and I still haven't heard anything. I'm tempted to contact them again but I don't want to be annoying and I just feel like it shouldn't be so hard to volunteer for something. I've also had a similar experience with very slow replies from customer service with a business I'm currently dealing with, but I guess that could probably just be chalked up to poor customer service. The final thing I thought of was dating sites. I've tried using a few different sites to meet someone with little to no success. I always put effort into my profile and I even step out of my comfort zone and contact others first sometimes, I just spend way too long figuring out what to write haha. Point being, I hardly ever get a reply or someone deciding to contact me first. Even with my low self-esteem I would say I'm decently attractive, and I've only had a handfull of interest over about 2 years.

Anyway, that's all I got. Like I said, it was just one of those days. I'm sure I'll feel better in the next day or two. I'm not sure if anyone will read this, if they will care, or if I will just sound whinny and self-pitying; but I don't have anyone to talk to about it so I felt like this would be a good way to vent. 

Published in Anxiety Articles
Wednesday, 27 April 2016 21:06

Simple Truths

I learned the more things I decide not to do because of the social anxiety, the bigger and more pronounced my anxiety becomes. All too often, I would decide not to do something because the anxiety and depression made things that were supposed to be fun to feel very uncomfortable instead. I had no idea I was feeding the anxiety to where it could consume my whole life. Being happy is still a hard thing to do. I realize now though that I have to do things that are a little and a lot uncomfortable just to keep the anxiety in check. The reward is not in conquering the anxiety, but in what we can build for ourselves inspite of the anxiety or because of the steps taken to surpass the feelings of fear and anxiety. 

 

Published in Anxiety General Blog
Sunday, 27 December 2015 05:44

Dear Social Anxiety...

Dear social anxiety,

We go back a long way. I remember the first time I met you. It was the time when I had been humiliated in front of many people I knew. Ever since then, nothing has been the same.

 

You feel like a storm, constantly circling above my head, my everything. You rush into my body, occupying every space there is. Tornados roar inside of my stomach, everything shakes. Every time I have a new social event to go to, I feel as if I am being struck by a lighting rod, paralysed, shaking. Sometimes this happens for no reason. I can not escape, and if I tried, you always find a way to come back. You constantly tell me how I am going to humiliate myself, just for being who I am. 

 

I know that you will be here. I understand that. I know that it will not be easy to get rid of you, if I can get rid of you at all. But I know one thing, I can control you.

 

I can...

 

For people who may be experience the same thing as I am, please know that you are not alone, and there is always a light, even in the darkest, scariest of times. :)

xxxx

Published in Anxiety Articles
Sunday, 27 December 2015 05:44

Dear Social Anxiety...

Dear social anxiety,

We go back a long way. I remember the first time I met you. It was the time when I had been humiliated in front of many people I knew. Ever since then, nothing has been the same.

 

You feel like a storm, constantly circling above my head, my everything. You rush into my body, occupying every space there is. Tornados roar inside of my stomach, everything shakes. Every time I have a new social event to go to, I feel as if I am being struck by a lighting rod, paralysed, shaking. Sometimes this happens for no reason. I can not escape, and if I tried, you always find a way to come back. You constantly tell me how I am going to humiliate myself, just for being who I am. 

 

I know that you will be here. I understand that. I know that it will not be easy to get rid of you, if I can get rid of you at all. But I know one thing, I can control you.

 

I can...

 

For people who may be experience the same thing as I am, please know that you are not alone, and there is always a light, even in the darkest, scariest of times. :)

xxxx

Published in Anxiety Articles
Saturday, 24 January 2015 14:42

Social anxiety and history behind it for me.

So hi guys... first i want to say sorry for my bad english.
Lets bring it back when i was kid. i was always told i am shy and my parents told me that thats normal and its not a bad thing its great thing. so i told my self ok but ill try to change.
then school happend and in Croatia we have primary school and it was hell from me... i was shy and my ''teammates'' from class... hmm... i was beaten a lot and so from 5th grade to 7th grade they broke my legs and arms cuple times like i told u it was hell for me and then i went deep i was alone... alone... with my brain... then i decide to tell my mother ether u transfer me in other school or i will fall one class and it was in 7th grade that means in Cratia if i fall i will need to do extra year... again in 7th grade... my mom regrets now that she didnt transfer me and i was feeling better when i fall that class... i know i am not dumb and every1 was suprised that i did that and t was wierd i was good student but i was afraid to speak and i had good grades then 1 year i fall... but next 2 years was good 7th and 8th grade was perfect i meet a lot of good friends and by a lot i mean 2-3 but to me thats a lot... then high school came... and in high school... it was better but not that better... i didnt get beat up but i found this girl and we were together for 7 months and she understanded me then she left me and told me she was cheating on me... that sucks and then worst thing happend... my family didnt have much money i was poor and then my dad took his gun from war and shoot him self 5 m in front of me and my mom... and guys it was aaaaaaaaaaaaa worst thing ever but i had to stay cool and strong for my mother and sister and older brother... so i never cried... well didnt cry iin front of them and i know thats not a good thing to hide it but understand me i needed to be strong one... but i lived trough that and feel deeper and deeper... then i started to be in fear of people... there was period when i was thinking ppls will kill me and every1 hates me... it was bad rly bad... than i meet one good friend of mine and he was a dj and music producer he teach me everything and today i still work on music... and if anyone is intrested great way to express ur feelings trough music :D... so like i said i started with music and then gigs came... it was awesome all these ppls looking at me as a god for 1 hour...feelings is awesome but then i started usinng drugs... it went from awesome to not even good... and i will tell this to every1 soome weed it will relax u... but pls dont use speed or all that shit... i went so deep i was locked in my room for cuple months its that bad... 4 walls... 24 hours a day... dnt do cocain and that shit... trust me its bad... and now we come to this day... today.. i meet a girl and we were tgether for 1 year and we broke up 2 days ago and i am back in this shity state of saddnes and scared to come out of my room... but i told my selff ill i will go back in music ill dj again but i will set rules and when i set them i wont brake them... so what i am trying to say i still have a big emotional problem and HUGE social problem but i am trying to fix it and u should never stop trying and if there is some1 who want to talk let me know pls... if u want to try doing music for a theraphy let me know.. i know that helped me to express feeling to every1.

Thanks for reading and hope to get contacted so we can talk :D

Published in Diary
Monday, 29 December 2014 12:26

Anxiety Story Secondary School

i then went onto secondary school , which i was very anxious about which it is for any child , who is starting big school , but for people with anxiety disorders its alot worst. 

 Has i had moved house , i was told that i would have to get a coach to school , which added to the anxiety even more,  i would be going out of my hometown to get to school , i remember standing at the bus stop and dreading having to get on the coach but i wasnt to bad has i made a friend while standing at the bus stop which made me feel so much better , and we were both nervous and in the same boat so i didnt feel completely alone . after a few months of being there i lefted that school has i started bunking & not wanting to go , i didnt enjoy the whole travelling experience it wasnt for me , so i then went to a local school thinking that it might be the solution , it was okay for a while , but i then starting bunking school again , it was literally around the corner from me , so i could walk it,  but for some reason i was terrified of walking to and from school on my own, leaving the front door was so hard , even meeting a friend was difficult, i remember my mum telling my friend to go on without me, has i was just to scared to get up and go, i froze i didnt want to move , i remember just laying in my room crying and scared cause i didnt want to go school . it soon became obvious to the school , that something wasnt right , i remember being called to the headmasters room for a meeting with my mum , i just sat there crying and scared and there were asking me questions and i couldnt answer them , like why i didnt want to go to school? but i didnt know myself , i had no reason to not want to go, i just didnt know why i was, the way i was.

& before i know it the anxiety was getting worst and the only time i felt better, was when i was at home away from everyone. so thats what i did i locked myself every from everyone , so i didnt have to deal with the anxiety, it was like the only way i felt i knew how to deal with it at the time,  i was then admitted to child mental health to see a therapist, i was there til i was 16 or 17 , i was doing so well i was going out , making friends , and doing what i loved i was living my life i managed my prom i was so happy and then it all went down hill , when i lefted school ,  i was 16 at the time and i relapsed really badly , just out of the blue, has all the support i was getting from the school stopped and my mental health support & my support from connexions also stopped not long after  , has i had hit that age where i was no longer a child, i had to be referred to adult mental health, for more therapy and to yet be dianosged , but in the mean time things were really bad , i started to pushing friends and family away , everyone who cared for me & loved me i pushed away no one didnt anything horrible to me. it was me i was going through this really bad time and everything started to fall apart , i was feeling every emotion you could think off  , and none of my friends could understand why i was doing this , has i never said anything to my friends about my struggle with my mental health, i kepted it a secret , so i was completely on my own at this point , and i stopped leaving the house , all i would do is sleep and cry.  

Published in Diary
Tuesday, 18 February 2014 14:22

High School.. How Wonderful

I'm at school. Really anxious. I can feel it. My panic attack is coming. Every time, at 8:40 it begins. First period. I'm getting so tired of getting these panic attacks everyday when there is school.

 

Published in Diary
Monday, 20 January 2014 02:07

How It Began

I’m 36 years old. I suspect I had started showing signs of Social Anxiety when I was a child, but was never diagnosed. In fact, I was actually brushed off as being shy or not wanting to be part of a group including my own family. I would sit by myself and withdraw. I would fight with my parents about sitting in front of the camera for family videos (though I think that came more from being a child than anything). But, even for all of this, I was still able to interact with people, though I was shy about it. I look back now and I wonder, if I had started showing signs, how did I function?

(I describe my ability to function as this: Being able to accomplish tasks with confidence in my talents (whatever they may be) and not worry about looking or sounding as though I lack intelligence.)

I had mental dam that had been keeping all of the fear, doubt, and anxiety in check over the years. But, during my mission cracks began to appear and little bits of that fear, doubt, and anxiety began to leak out, but not enough to inhibit my work. During my time at BYU-Idaho, some of those cracks got worse and more began to form. The anxiety started to get worse. I really tried hard not to make friends or looked for ways avoid social activities such as FHE (Family Home Evening). When I did go, I withdrew into myself.

If I knew what had been happening…I actually don’t know if I would have sought help. I had gone through BYU-Idaho’s counseling services to seek help for anger management and wasn’t impressed. Anyway, during the second semester of my time at ISU, something happened to cause that dam to break and the raging river of fear, doubt, and anxiety flooded my mind. I’ve been dealing with Social Anxiety ever since.

Published in Diary
Friday, 29 November 2013 16:17

I don't get it sometimes

I have spent countless time, money and work really hard to get to where I am, but I just don't understand why the hoildays are always such a struggle for me. It's like I become paralyzed. All the tools I've developed, all the positive self talk I use, just leaves me. I make plans to do something, go to a yoga class, read a book, or cook and I end everyday saying tomorrow I'll do it, but tomorrow it's the same state of paralysis. I revert back to this catatonic person that just sleeps, eats, and watches tv. I've been told that when we suffer from social anxiety our bodies go into this flight, fight or freeze condition. I wish I could find a way out of it.

I know eventually this paralysis will release it's hold on me. I use to get depressed all the time and I would just forgive myself for having a bad day and having to spend the entire day in bed, but when you've been making some good progress and on top of that you've planned to spend your holidays like this (I turned down two thanksgiving dinner invitations, my family would love to have me go home, but stayiing home alone seemed like a better option than either of those options) the paralysis and depression seems like such a failure.

I realize what I hate about the holidays is that it feels like weekends times ten. I much rather work on the weekends to avoid having to do anything social, but on the holidays everyone is out partying, out socializing and I can't do it. It makes me feel bad and I get down on myself because I don't have the ability to participate. I know I have to forgive myself for this and I often tell myself that I'm working on it and doing the best I can, which usually works, but nothing works for the holidays, just writing this diary entry was an accomplishment; probably the only thing I'll do all day. 

Oh well, at least I have faith that the storm will break some day. Waiting it out 'til then.

Published in Diary
Thursday, 14 November 2013 16:42

Today

I figured I'd start with today, and by telling you how I've come to it. I started having problems with social anxiety in high school. Although I'd experienced social anxiety before, and racing thoughts and everything, I managed to overcome them when I was a little younger (maybe ages 11-14). The anxiety came back however and I've battled with it ever since. I know that my anxiety was triggered by some experiences that I've had ove the past 12 years or so. I'm 24 now. Factor 1) My parents were prety strict, which isn't in itself a problem. The problem is/was that they were too strict about my social interaction. I never went to parties. I saw my friends in marching band or at cross country or tennis practice, but that was it. I rarely went with my friends anywhere. I remember going to one baseball game. spending the night every now and then at a friend's house. That was it though. I didn't have a lot of social interaction (mind you, I blame none of this on my parents... the genetics have something to do with it too... but I have to tell you that these are the factors that contributed). You've gotta remember also that I'm an introveted, introspective person, although at one point I was very social. I still think A LOT THOUGH, probably too much sometimes, and I'm VERY sensitive to how other people feel. So now we're in high school. I'd always had problems and been insecure about my peers because of how judgemental people had been at school. The main issue was that I didn't fit the mold of what was normal. In my case, I didn't fit because I'm black, but well spoken, "well" dressed, and smart. So that was a big issue in middle school/high school starting out. But I managed to beat that pretty much as well. My 9th grade year was a little tough, but nothing abnormal. What comes next is waht REALLy, really, really, really, definitely destroyed me... My sophomore year I started dating a girl that was a grade below me. She was very insecure, and kind of uptight. She already had problems with depression and self esteem, and anxiety as well. I did not, at least nothing out of the ordinary. I made her my world. And she attacked the part sof me that hadn't been touched yet by the average bully or high school idiot. That when I got a new interest I really went for it, and I went all in (which was true... but not bad, or abnormal. I'm just a passionate person who KNEw when I wanted something). That I had confidence in my looks. She was just... very critical and, kind of "bi-polar" about when I was an acceptable person or not. I could do anything (whether it was saying something, or doing something) and I never knew what to expect. So... I started to doubt myself. Couple that with me still being slightly insecure about people ridiculing me anyways, and my strict household, lack of outside social interaction... you get the picture. I dated this girl for 3 years, and she was really the only person I spent any time socializing with to any degree of significance outside of going to school. By the time I graduated I was so insecure, and didn't know it. The only thing holding me up was her being there, and she was barely doing that. She was the only constant. And she wasn't consistent at all. Went to an HBCU (historically black college or university) my freshman year, which put me in with a group of people that in the past had been VERY unaccepting and harsh toward me. I didn't want to go, but I kind of had to. I had a full scholarship and my parents didn't have the money to send me anywhere else. Well, I went... and my social anxiety got the best of me, for good it seems since then... I snapped. Anxiety skyrocketed. I stopped going to class. Got depressed because of how I was feeling. It was horrible. I came home mid second semester. In March, 2008. Went back to school at a more traditional, and better integrated college that fall. But by that time my anxiety had gotten so bad that I couldn't handle people at all... I just couldn't. And I left school and moved home. I've been on and off medication for the past 4 years. And I've been diagnosed with being "bi-polar type II"... which I now know that I'm not. I just... was so anxious that I probably didn't communicate well enough with doctors and between that and me trusting their hunches too much, that's how I got that diagnosis. I started to experience symptoms of being bi-polar AFTEr I got on meds... stopped taking them completely and stopped counseling this May because I've had a really big amount of progress as far as my "spirituality" (don't subscribe to any religion) over the past year and a half or so. It allowed me to change my perspective. And if I'd had that tool when all of this started, I may have been able to overcome. The phobia of being attacked for no reason at all is there now though. And I am SOOo burdened by it at times. When I'm alone it's fine. Even then I try not to get depressed thinking about it though. About how I still live at home now and work a part time job. I want to get out of here and just.... start. I know I need counseling. But I need the RIGHT counselor. And I... I... I just don't know. I haven't been able to beat this depsite all my trying. I'm so discouraged. I have to go re-learn chemical nomenclature now to help a friend study... I'm literally going crazy haha... at least, that's what it feels like sometimes. I'm ready to move. But I don't want to do it by myself. I don't want to fall further into this hole.

Published in Diary
Page 1 of 3

Support Us By Shoping at Amazon

JOIN SOCIAL NETWORK

we are a community of people struggling with mental health issues, you are not alone!

JOIN ASN NOW

Support us By Shoping at Amazon

JOIN ANXIETY SOCIAL NET TODAY

We are a community of people struggling with mental health issues, you are not alone!

JOIN ASN NOW

 

 

featured