Tuesday, 18 February 2014 14:22

High School.. How Wonderful

I'm at school. Really anxious. I can feel it. My panic attack is coming. Every time, at 8:40 it begins. First period. I'm getting so tired of getting these panic attacks everyday when there is school.


Published in Diary
Monday, 20 January 2014 02:07

How It Began

I’m 36 years old. I suspect I had started showing signs of Social Anxiety when I was a child, but was never diagnosed. In fact, I was actually brushed off as being shy or not wanting to be part of a group including my own family. I would sit by myself and withdraw. I would fight with my parents about sitting in front of the camera for family videos (though I think that came more from being a child than anything). But, even for all of this, I was still able to interact with people, though I was shy about it. I look back now and I wonder, if I had started showing signs, how did I function?

(I describe my ability to function as this: Being able to accomplish tasks with confidence in my talents (whatever they may be) and not worry about looking or sounding as though I lack intelligence.)

I had mental dam that had been keeping all of the fear, doubt, and anxiety in check over the years. But, during my mission cracks began to appear and little bits of that fear, doubt, and anxiety began to leak out, but not enough to inhibit my work. During my time at BYU-Idaho, some of those cracks got worse and more began to form. The anxiety started to get worse. I really tried hard not to make friends or looked for ways avoid social activities such as FHE (Family Home Evening). When I did go, I withdrew into myself.

If I knew what had been happening…I actually don’t know if I would have sought help. I had gone through BYU-Idaho’s counseling services to seek help for anger management and wasn’t impressed. Anyway, during the second semester of my time at ISU, something happened to cause that dam to break and the raging river of fear, doubt, and anxiety flooded my mind. I’ve been dealing with Social Anxiety ever since.

Published in Diary
Friday, 29 November 2013 16:17

I don't get it sometimes

I have spent countless time, money and work really hard to get to where I am, but I just don't understand why the hoildays are always such a struggle for me. It's like I become paralyzed. All the tools I've developed, all the positive self talk I use, just leaves me. I make plans to do something, go to a yoga class, read a book, or cook and I end everyday saying tomorrow I'll do it, but tomorrow it's the same state of paralysis. I revert back to this catatonic person that just sleeps, eats, and watches tv. I've been told that when we suffer from social anxiety our bodies go into this flight, fight or freeze condition. I wish I could find a way out of it.

I know eventually this paralysis will release it's hold on me. I use to get depressed all the time and I would just forgive myself for having a bad day and having to spend the entire day in bed, but when you've been making some good progress and on top of that you've planned to spend your holidays like this (I turned down two thanksgiving dinner invitations, my family would love to have me go home, but stayiing home alone seemed like a better option than either of those options) the paralysis and depression seems like such a failure.

I realize what I hate about the holidays is that it feels like weekends times ten. I much rather work on the weekends to avoid having to do anything social, but on the holidays everyone is out partying, out socializing and I can't do it. It makes me feel bad and I get down on myself because I don't have the ability to participate. I know I have to forgive myself for this and I often tell myself that I'm working on it and doing the best I can, which usually works, but nothing works for the holidays, just writing this diary entry was an accomplishment; probably the only thing I'll do all day. 

Oh well, at least I have faith that the storm will break some day. Waiting it out 'til then.

Published in Diary
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