Wide awake. Without sleep for over 24 hours, yet for some reason both my body and mind are restless.
I’ve been thinking.
Reconsidering everything I’ve ever though or decided. In a state of unease, almost terrified at my predictions of what the day will bring me.
Sometimes this happens— no, correction: This often happens. My thoughts become a never-ending labyrinth. Usually, this comes when I have woken in terror, and I am left in a haze of emotions and possibilities. Emotions that I have not yet learned to control. Possibilities in my life that I haven’t the strength to reach out and snatch.
Everything I could potentially wonder, I do. I sit there and wonder, frustrated with my usual lack of answers. Do I even need answers? Are there really puzzles I need to solve, or is this confusion an illusion? All I can ever come up with is a big, “MAYBE.”
It can be a battle. Never can I stick with simple contentedness, and especially with life cascading toward me as if I am facing a blizzard head-on. There is a smile reserved to put forth the facade that everything is fine, but when has it ever been? With all honesty, I’m always in misery for one reason or another. How do I make it stop?
I cannot find the solution.
Occasionally I fear I will search to fix myself my whole life; that the journey will be unbearable and impossible like reaching the end of a rainbow. The rest of the time, I worry my emotions will never be in check.
One would claim me depressed. Socially anxious. An introvert. Impulsive. In my mind, I figure as long as I make myself function, how can that be said? Some days I choose to stay in a mental fog by myself, left to my thoughts despite the misery that comes with them. Often I’ll just wait until I’m allowed those hours of lonesomeness, and really sit there and think.
My biggest fear is that I will be alone in life because of my issues. Friends have come and gone, proving only to me how quiet I should keep my problems. Because who really cares besides myself how fucked up it is to be in my head? Nobody. Doctors feign sincerity with a prescription to make me manageable. People will promise their confidence to abandon it for something interesting to talk about. It’s been hard for me to truly open up to another because I don’t know who and who not to trust. I constantly wish I had a trust detector that would allow me to pass someone and it would tell me how trustworthy they are.
I want to be freed from this cage of distrust and fear. I’m nearly sick to the thought of possibility. Going insane in attempt to mask my sadness day by say. Wide awake, and no hope of sleep until tomorrow.