Monday, 06 February 2012 02:30

My Problem...

I don't seem to be Depressed because of anything. I have problems, but they're pretty average, run of the mill problems; I'm not especially unfortunate. I often get told that I should be happy because there are a lot of people in the world who are far worse off than I am, but why should knowing that others are suffering make me happy? All that does is remind me that I'm incapable of helping anyone (because I'm not even able to care for myself) and increase my certainty that my being alive isn't really necessary because no one would be all that much worse off without me. I'm sure the people who love me would be sad at first that I wasn't around, but they'd get over it. They all have things to live for other than me (my friends have other friends, my parents have other children.) I think if my family members were all forced to be really honest they would admit that they only love me out of obligation, it's not as though any of them need me or even enjoy my company. I think, deep down, a lot of people would be relieved to not have to deal with me anymore (I know I would be.) Any way, I'm not depressed because I feel that my life is especially bad. It feels, sometimes, like reality itself is just inherently awful and people with depression are only depressed because they see things just a little more clearly than everyone else. Like normal people have an invisible barrier between them and reality that people with depression were born without. I think I'm depressed mostly because life is hard (for everyone) and I'm not strong enough. It's like I'm put together wrong or parts were left out or something. It's not that I have a lot of reasons to give up, it's just that I have so few reasons to keep going and (like I said) I'm weak and exhausted all the time and continuing to exist just seems so unnecessary. I'm not especially smart or talented or kind or likeable and since I'm not I don't feel like I have any reason to "hang in there." The best I can hope for is to be yet another mediocre person with an ok life and that seems like a lot more effort than it's worth. It's not like I'm going to reach a plateau, it's not like I'm going to get to a point where things won't be hard and it'll feel like all the struggle was worth it (and for me just existing is a struggle for some reason.) It's not that I'm not willing to try to make my life better, I just don't think I'll succeed. It's not true that all you have to do is keep trying in order to achieve your dreams, there are plenty of people who spend their whole lives trying and die with out succeeding. People tell themselves that those people just didn't succeed because they didn't try hard enough or because they gave up too soon or something, but I think that's just because they don't want to admit to themselves that it's possible for them to wind up just like those people. That's why normal people like to convince themselves that it's only possible to fail through ones own fault. Ultimately, people believe whatever makes them feel better and I think that that's a natural defense against anxiety and despair, my problem is that I believe what's true regardless of how it makes me feel. Life has kind of been just one painful disillusionment after another; all the things I was taught to look forward too as a child have turned out to just be fairy tales. Learning to accept that these things aren't real or to compromise them and redefine them until they become attainable is usually referred to as "growing up" but why should I grow up? So I can keep living? Why would I want to do that when all the things I was supposed to be living for turned out to not be real? It all seems, to me, like destroying the foundation of a building and them expecting that building to still be able to stand. If all I'm going to do is struggle until I die then why bother struggling?

Don't worry though, I'm to much of a coward to kill myself. I suppose I can thank my Catholic up briging for that. A small part of me is worried that even considering suicide as an option is enough to send me to hell. I don't know why they call it "the cowards way out."

Sorry if this has bee too stream of conscious, but this was my first post.

Published in Diary
Wednesday, 04 January 2012 20:31

take me as i am or leave me

ive decided to write this in here after hearing the song take me or leave me, i think it about time i admitted to my self everything and this is a much safer way than writing in a diary or something that someone that may be judgemental of me read it so it here goes.......

Hi my names Rochelle prefered to be called Shell still living with my parents ive suffered with depression for the past 8 and half years its been up and down and a very long road and still alot further to go yet, people can look at me and think there is nothing wrong as i try not to let on with what i suffer apart from my closest friends not even my family know the true extend. Since i was 13 i have been the victim of rape, sexual abuse for 1 and half years, an abortion which i regret but how thinks turned out i dont regret my litlle girl would of had no quaility of life and she would deserve so much better that i could of offered at 15years old. been in a violent relationship and a controlling relationship, being held against my will for 3days and lost 2family members and a close friend and my mum became serious ill. From this i got depression became sucidal and started drinking and drugs at 14years but stop at age of 15 but i was a lucky one tho even skving of school i still finished school and went to college both with qualifications. i look back and think what did i do to deserve all this why me and what hurts the most the 2blokes that abused and rape me are still walking of there free with families of there own all because i was stupid and want it over and done with. Why when you try tell people they think i lie, what reason would i have to lie about all this i wouldn't wish any of this to happen to any one not even some one i hated, i know what it is like and it is one of the worse things that i could image any one going through come on i suffered panic attacks i now let it affect me. Since 21st january 2011 when i had my car crash i got anxiety not the nicest thing in the world i was sacred of being a passager in a car and that the only one i can say i over come but everything else it so much worse all my fears have been made worse by this and the hardest thing to except is that the car crash was only the tigger that set it off my past is what has done has caused all this. i have seen so many cousellors in 8years even had 3 at one time you would think by now that i wouldnt be going round in circles all the time every year leads to a breakdown. why cant i just move on with my life yeah ive done alot got a good job and got my car, got great friends that love to pieces but why push anyone that gets close anyway when i know they are the only person for me. =[

 

so take me as i am or leave me because i am not doing this know more i am not pretending to be somebody i not its a new year so a new start i am going to try so hard to make sure that 2012 is my year, my year to make a diffence and really show an improvement on my mental health and dont have all these steps back every year and hopefully i can cry at new years saying there are happy tears and i can look back and think i have done my self proud.

 

Hopefully it doesnt sound to confussing and think i put everything in i now how to put down without out making a mess of it.

Published in Diary