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I wanted to tell at least one of my friends that I might be trans, and I am friends with them on Facebook, so I went to see their pages to see if they support the LGBT community. I found out that one of them is Pangender. It took me quite a while to have the courage to message him that I thought he would understand, and I didn't know how the others would feel about it, but I feel like I might be trans. He replied that there are probably more people who would understand than I think. Then, he suggested that we should meet out for coffee or something. However, we haven't scheduled a day and time. It has been a few days I haven't heard back from him. I asked him when he is available, but he didn't respond. I saw that he had seen the message. My anxiety is telling me that he decided he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I have all these negative thoughts and images running through my mind. Maybe he thinks I am weird for going on his page and look at the "about" section of his page. Maybe I scared him and he's now worried what the others think of him. But, I am trying to remind myself that he could be really busy, and I am also trying to push those worries out of my mind. Although I can't help obsess and check Facebook every day to see if he got back to me. I hope I don't sound odd or strange.

Published in Diary
Sunday, 17 July 2016 22:37

Food Allergies and Panic Attacks

I had my first panic attack episodes after experiencing anaphylaxis for the first time  from eating a mango on the fourth of July (wherein I also accidentally took too much benedryl  and the entire day was like a really bad paranoid trip). The week after I would get these fake anaphylaxis symptoms before I would eat fruit - my throat would tighten and go dry (I could not swallow unless I was drinking or eating), I had the "sense of doom", and I could just feel myself turn white and I would get a cold sweat. When this happened, I would just take a sip of water, breathe deeply a couple of times, and get back to work. On the weekend, I sat down and choked down all the food that had given me an episode - I could eat strawberries again! It took about an hour and a half to eat all the fruit and nuts I normally eat. So that stopped for a while. However, everytime I would think about a mango, I would get the fake allergic reaction symptoms.

I practice martial arts, and on this past monday we were working on grappling, specifically arm bars which involves pressing down all of your weight on your partners chest, using that to lift your leg over. My partner was having a hard time making it fluid, so we worked on it for a while. The day after, I started having chest pain, and had my first episode not involving food that day. Basically, I felt pain in my chest and thought for about 30 seconds that I was having a heart attack (my mom had her first heart attack when she was young and healthy), until I remembered the excessive arm bars and pressure on my chest, and forced myself to calm down. 

On Thursday, I saw an allergist and he prescribed me an epipen and ordered some blood tests to verify the allergies (he did not have a scratch test for the mango). I got through the appointment okay - describing the allergic reaction made me relive it a bit, which I actually think is a good thing, but was not that bad. I told my doctor about the anxiety, and he says he sometimes sees this with patients and that it probably some sort of short term PTSD. 

On Friday, I had my first full blown panic attack. I had a little panic episode, and when I tried to breath deeply to calm myself down, I had a very sharp pain in my chest. It terrified me. Ever since the first panic episodes began, I figured that as long as I could breathe deeply, I was fine.I had body aches all over, pain in both arms, and a general sense of confusion along with dizzyness I ended up having to leave work for a couple of hours to go to the clinic. I told the doctor that I had no idea what was going on with me, and  I told him about the anxiety about fruit - freakin' lame fruit (which he said was not lame)  - and about everything that I had experienced since. I spent the two hours crying the entire time, and I have no idea why. The doctor did some bloodwork, gave me an EKG and a chest xray. All my vitals were fine, and every result was perfect. I am healthy. I know that I am healthy rationally. I am so used to being in tune with my body, but now I cannot trust the symptoms that it gives me. I feel very out of control. And I am just tired and frustrated although this has only been going on for a relatively short time. 

The food phobia has not really gone away yet, and apparently I have a phobia of heart attacks which probably comes from having a mother who has had a couple. I've spent this weekend trying to deal with it - trying to remember what it felt like to have that allergic reaction and trying to learn how to let that fear go. 

I have never had anxiety before; I've had asthma attacks with no access to an inhaler and have still not panicked. This is all new to me, but I want to deal with it. Has anyone else had anxiety with regards to food, and or medical conditions that family members have?

 

 

 

 

Published in Anxiety General Blog
Sunday, 17 July 2016 17:21

July 17th, 2016

Today is another day, like most others. I feel so melancholic, and yet I am still laughing and smiling at work, and trying to around my spouse. Little do my coworkers know I feel sick to my stomach, and spent the 1st 20 minutes of my drive to work balling because I didn't want to be a burden any longer. I don't know how to deal with these. I don't really exactly have the benefits coverage to go out and go to a doctor to discuss this, and if I need a prescription I can't afford it right now. I'm also scared a doctor will tell me there is absolutely nothing wrong with me, lose some weight and the depression and anxiety will disappear.

I had a friend explain it very well the other day, based on the Spoons theory. Take 10 pens for example, those represent the mental/emotional/physical capacity I have to complete tasks during the day. Each task/activity costs a pen. Getting out of bed, showering, basic hygeine, getting to work, spending time with my spouse, those all take up pens. When it comes down to it sometimes I forget to do things. 

 

Published in Diary
Friday, 15 July 2016 00:45

Depression Hurts

Today wasn't a full step back but I'm still standing. 

Personally, my biggest problem with depression is how my whole body begins to ache. It's so much harder to deal with feeling down when it feels like your body is working against you. Everytime I go to lie down and get some rest I argue with myself for several minutes to get up again. Once I'm down my body just doesn't want to get back up. 

I'm sure others have this problem and I would love some advice if anyone has any but I'm really just beat. I can't focus, my anxiety is just around the corner and my neck is killing me for no other reason than to be rude. 

Keep your head up, someone out there needs you. Even if you think they don't, you've touched one person in this world and they would miss you if you were gone. 

Much love, 

Kayley 

Published in Diary
Wednesday, 13 July 2016 04:51

I'm Unsure About Everything

For the past two days I've truly been struggling. I wait until my husband leaves for work before I start the long process of getting out of bed. I don't shower for several days at a time, I eat only things that don't involve effort to make or clean up, the dishes have been in my sink for three days I think, I only do laundry when there is nothing to wear and even then it makes my chest tighten because I fear what people would think if they saw my house in it's current condition. 

Every morning I lay in bed and think to myself "but what are you doing with your life?" I never have a good answer. I get up and if I have the energy I shower, I usually don't. I take my medication, I guess it helps, when I remember to take it, if I care enough to take it. All day I struggle to focus, the only thing I enjoy doing is making my lists. I make hundreds of lists a week, sometimes about books I want to read, sometimes about the most random things I can think of. It calms me down and doesn't allow me to think. 

Thinking is hard, I wonder what it would be like if anyone really knew how I thought. Unedited. Unfiltered. I've never told anyone the truth about runs through my head. Not that I want to kill people or hurt them or myself for that matter. I just re-think about everything wrong in my life, everything that has been wrong and everything that will be wrong in the future. It cycles like a show on re-run. Never ending. Sometimes it's easier because it's in the background and I can try to ignore it. But it's still there, I can see it out of the corner of my inner eye. 

Several times a day my breath catches and I have to close my eyes. Try so hard not to cry and hyperventalate. Heaven forbid I have to talk to someone on the phone or email someone. It takes all day just to get up the courage to call my parents a couple times a week and even then when the conversation stalls my chest tightens again. 

So what am I supposed to do? I fear every day that I will get called back to work or worse, that I won't be able to return. Then this will be forever. This will be my everyday. Everything I worked for, wanted, dreamed for, out the window because they didn't want to take the five minutes to properly install a machine. That ten seconds. That ten seconds that it took for me to get electrocuted could be the deciding factor of wether or not my husband and I are able to have kids. It could be the deciding factor of us buying a house, moving out of state, going on vacation, me driving out of town. That ten seconds. 

One one thousand. Two one thousand. Three one thousand. Four one thousand. Five one thousand. Six one thousand. Seven one thousand. Eight one thousand. Nine one thousand. Ten one thousand. 

Published in Diary
Monday, 06 June 2016 04:10

Am I The Only One?

 

This question, and many others, have plagued me for quite some time. Yet, I cant help but think to myself maybe (just maybe) I'm not the only one? 

I know I'm not the only one who suffers from a mental illness, or a disorder. While this is true, I cannot help but wonder is there anyone else out there who isolates themselves from others, or keeps people at a distance in attempt to save them from having to deal with your issues? 

Or, do things like Stays Single, Keeping Family and Friends at a Distance, Avoids public places and holiday events from being petrified to be around anyone in the fear of being judged or stigmatized, along with being consumed with fear of being triggered, frustrated, or irritated? Which only throws you into (what seems like) an endless downward spiral of uncontrollable thoughts and emotions where there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel. Which can last from hours on end, if not a couple of days. 

Yet, at the same time, wanting SO BAD for someone to talk to, or a friend to turn to, who will accept you, be you're friend through thick and thin? 

When, In fact, all you can find is the saddening comfort of solitude and the deafening quiet of the four walls you call home? Or, the awkward silence from those who say they are your friend when you turn to them for help. Or worse, them avoiding you like you were the plague?

 

While most of this happens in my own life. I can't even begin to put into words how terribly lonely it all can be. As I have spent an obscene amount of time isolated and alone. 


I often feel as if I'm trapped in a self made solitary confinement with no door on either wall. And the messed up part of it all is? I do this all to myself. 

Issues such as bipolar/ ptsd can indeed be difficult to handle for others who don't know, or for that matter don't want to know about them. Yet, it would simply be a breath of fresh air to actually have a friend to open up and communicate with. Someone who not only is nonjudgmental and accepting, but also is able to see past the mental illness and see a person, not just the illness/ disorder itself. 

Yet, day in and day out, “the mask” is put on. For no one see's the depressed lonely person in front of them. They simply see the mask. While the face hidden behind the facade weeps and craves for genuine human interaction.

Was just curious if anyone else out there goes through the same thing or am I the only one?

As I ask that question, many more bombard me as I bring this to a close. ..... Is there really anything wrong with me? Is it really what some of my old friends (who are no longer my friend, mind you) said? That it's all in my head. Am I making it all up or making excuses? I mean, I've known for a long time, after being hit by a vehicle at age 7 (and dying in the process), that I was different from others around me. Yet, if there is nothing wrong with me, why do I stay so isolated, so secluded away from society? Why can't I walk past my front door and go to the store to get food and supplies? Or yet, have a relationship or keep friends? 

So many questions, I know. Yet, I can't help but sit here and wonder. Am I making myself out to be worse then it is? Which is why I'm here writing this now, wondering, is there anyone else out there that goes through the same things? Or is it all a figment of my imaginations run rampant in my head? I'm sitting here driving myself crazy, stressing, day in and day out wondering all this.

 

Published in Anxiety Articles
Tuesday, 17 May 2016 01:47

May 16Th 2016

   Today I had an awful day. I felt like I was in this fog all day and I was so moody. My body felt weak and numb, it felt I was walking around in someone else's skin. I tried talking to mom about it because we are so close but I've come to realize that when it comes to my anxiety and depression she takes the good old "sweep it under the rug" approach. Her thoughts today on my mood were as follows; "Is there something wrong? Are youand your boyfriend fighting? Are you close to that time of the month? Why do you let your phone calls with grandma upset you? You know she has no filter and just says the first thing that pops in her mind. You should be so happy, Matt(my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years) just got back from Italy after being away for four months and you guys are going to Disney World in a few days! Everyone has bad days, you just have to push the feelings aside and carry on. Be on a strong and happy face." It's those last two that get me, if she knew how much I wished I could put on a strong happy face she would never say that and if she knew how irratating it is to hear her say "everyone has bad days." Yes they do but it's so different when your dealing with depression and anxiety. The feelings are over powering and push down on you like a ton of bricks. You get put under this heavy steel blanket and until your mind and body decide it's time to be part of society again, you can't move. It amazes me that a woman who use to work in a psychiatric hospital can still say things like that and push my disorder aside. Growing up I was so depressed and so anxiety ridden I attempted sucide and I never got professional help. Some school counslors here and there but nothing helpful. I don't blame my mom for any of that, she just didn't want to believe that her daughter could be in such a state but I do wish she would handle my really bad days and my panic attacks a little better. I'm a singer so most the time on my good days I'm singing and writing songs and happy. Even on some of my bad days I'm doing 2 out of 3 of those things of those things but on days like today I don't want to do anything. I don't want to talk or move or eat or sing or write. Nothing. Nothing can bring me up and thats what most people don't understand. Yes I am on medicine. Yes it works, I feel better then I did growing up but that doesn't mean days like today just disappear, they just go into hidiing for a litttle while. I'm still just a human being and I need someone 
Published in Diary
Wednesday, 04 May 2016 01:29

The Beauty of Unravling

It feels like starting over, it feels like is an infinite strech of up and downs. It feels like both day and night.

On my worst days, my mind screams, "I want my old life back" and on my best, "I have hope that I will be better than my yesterday"

but like the ocean, it seems like a tired endless motion of tides and waves, drawing in and going back and I find myself laying motionless on the shores as time whips me and pulls me back, my soul crashes against the waves. 

However, I can do all things through christ who strengths me, and my beacon of hope comes through the light I KNOW is within me.

This real picture of joy, endless laughter, joy and love, things that are endowed in me, and more importantly self love which is teaching me, I am not what anyone calls me, I am only me.

 

Hope is an endless strength that looks past the present adversity, but a stretch into the bright yellow sun. 

 

Published in Diary
Friday, 29 April 2016 05:35

Anxiety Stricken

Anxiety hurts. Depression hurts. The worst part about it is you don’t see it coming. When it strikes you have no control. You are left feeling hopeless. You can’t breathe. You suddenly have people around you separating themselves from you. You become an excuse for other people’s behaviors. You become a burden on those who love you. People look down on you. People think you are weak. They don’t see or feel what you are going through. Breathing techniques don’t work. Exercise doesn’t help. Medication makes you foggy. I have no idea how to combat this illness that is within me. I have no idea how to stop hurting those I love. I don’t even realize that I am hurting them. It’s hard to find support. Because being someone of this disorder makes you not trust others. We have been hurt so many times in the past that it makes you feel as if no one can ever understand. The heart palpitations, shortness of breath, screaming, and severe muscle cramps makes it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. When anxiety strikes, it strikes fast and hard making it very difficult to see coming. Identifying your anxiety can prolong an attack, but unfortunately, you can’t stop it. You can only slow it down. It’s hard to put into words as to how these attacks feel. Mainly because I blackout when they happen. Then the next thing you know you have hurt a friend or a loved one because you can’t control yourself… no matter how hard you try. One thought turns into one hundred thoughts… those one hundred thoughts turn into a whirlpool of negativity attempting to bring you into the abyss. The hardest part is to stay above water… to keep pushing. It’s hard because you start to doubt everything around you. You ask yourself why you are even here. What is your purpose? All you seem to do is hurt yourself and others, right? Why do people lash out at me? Why do I lash out at others? Why am I alone when others surround me? So, many questions trigger in your brain. So quickly in fact that you cannot process what is happening. You just break down. Unfortunately, the only way you can seek comfort is by ending it all. The easiest solution seems to be removing yourself from the equation. Your friends and loved ones will seem happier if you are not around. How do you live with something so dark within you? I don’t want to take medication. I don’t want to my loved ones to feel obligated to treat me a certain way. I just want to be normal. I just want to be accepted. I don’t want to be an inconvenience. I want to be someone who is strong enough to help others. I am weak. I am broken. But only because I am having trouble facing my past, and what others have done to me. When you have anxiety, one small issue can trigger a previous emotion or memory causing your whole mental capacity to hone into that one moment. It’s almost impossible to recover from. I’ve had others ask me, “How do you expect me to live with someone like you all my life?” My only answer is I don’t know. I don’t even want to live with myself all of my life. I have nothing to offer. I live in a world held captive by this disease. I just want to be free from the hurt and the pain. I hold it in until I explode. When I explode its at the point of no return. I sometimes wish I could be locked away from the world, and myself. I wish I could find a way to be free…. to accept myself. I feel bad for those around me. I have nothing to offer them but pessimist thoughts and negativity. Only because that’s what I know and how I think. I want to be exposed to a world free from those thoughts. I don’t know if I will ever see this world only because the world I see now involves me. I hurt others. I break down. I hold grudges. I have no friends. I have no support. You don’t see people trying to help unless they know it’s too late. They only do this so they don’t have to go to bed at night feeling guilty about what they could have done differently. I now find myself alone fighting this battle. Fighting for ways to make it go away. Fighting for the moments in life you fear that you will never have. Anxiety hurts to the bone. Unfortunately, depression follows. Depression increases the anxiety and makes the recovery so much more painful. How could you at like this? Who thinks like this? Why is no one helping? Why can’t I stop? What’s wrong with me?  Who will ever love me? Why does no one love me? Why is no one there? It’s simple. They don’t understand. You don’t think normally. You cant no matter how hard you try. So, what’s the point of trying when everyone else has given up on you?

Published in Diary
Friday, 22 April 2016 15:29

Feeling Alone and Scared.

I have agoraphobia and I have been forcing myself out of the house lately. I go to my boyfriend's every weekend and we always do something that's out of my comfort zone. Every time I go it gets harder and harder, even though it should get easier and easier. I don't know, maybe it's because I feel like my partner doesn't understand me. I mean, it's great that he at least tries but I need someone in my life to shoot a text to saying ''I feel anxious'' and they will know what to say to me straight away to make me feel better. My boyfriend just hugs me and says it's gonna be okay, but he doesn't really know how I feel or how difficult it is. I feel like I have to go because we have a lot of communication and closeness issues and if I stop seeing him then we will eventually just break up, and I don't want that. I'm just scared and alone and I need a friend in my life right now. 

Published in Diary

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