Monday, 27 October 2014 23:57

Sad

When I was young I had a hard time finding a reason to exist. 

What was my purpose in this world? For what would I live? 

When kids ran home, I would sit beneath the stars and wonder, or clean the room because I could not sleep... I would wonder and think.

What really mattered to me? For what did my heart and passion burn for? 

I found just two dreams to live for. 

It was nothing as fancy as traveling the world or galazy, neither to be famous. For me, the only dreams I settled for became this.

"I wish to make books to inspire change"

My second wish though, it became a hidden desire. I had the idea if I ever came to realize both my dreams, there would be nothing to live for, so I decided to hide it.I had a better chance at writing a book than the other part either way.

 

But still, it was one of my greatest desires. 

It was a sort of love wish... a wish to be loved for who I am, just like I am. 

That someone would accept me the way I was, and love me. Love... such a strange thought. 

I imagined secretly all the while if anyone could love me? Would anyone be able to. 

I have never felt like anyone can love me, but certainly it was a dream of mine. 

I hoped some day mr right would pass by me. 

Someone I could love, someone who could love me. I mean, imagine someone accepting me for who I was and love me? The rest of the world seems insane to me, but I always hoped, always dreamed that out there, there was someone. 

But then again... I am me. Who could ever like me? Who will ever like me?

 

Friends telling me oppenly they manipulate me and believe they can get anything? 

A sister who hates me because she thinks I want things? A family without faith in who I am? Who am I among them? No one. 

 

My datesx have been terrible people, I have no faith in hummans around me because I believed in them... where have this world taken me? I so wanna know what my story can lead up to. If there is a mister right.... I hate being alone, but do anyone ever ask me if I am okay? Do anyone care to check how I am doing? No...

 

I have been alone so long, I don't knor how it is to be with others.

I prefer if guys hate me, because then, I don't have to deal with eomotions. Emotions... even though I desperately need to feel love, I am sick of being hurt. It's so pointless... so worthless. The worst is knowing there is no one to talk to... no one... there is nothing for me... and it makes me cry. I am alone. :(

 

I wish I at least had a friend. 

If people hadn't been mean to me all the time, I would still be nice with people. I might even have friends. Everyone broke me down, and seriously, I can't forgive it. It have really hurt all this time. 

I wanna be what I could have been, and it hurts.

friends have talked behind my back, family, my sister, my father talked shit to us in our faces, so did our mother... what can I say. 

I wanna know emotions. I wanna know family. I wanna know love.

My family, friends and all that, nothing I know has anything like that... and it feels lonely.

I really hate it. 

Lonelines.

Published in Diary
Monday, 13 October 2014 17:53

Struggling

Hi everyone.  I am new to this site but I am really struggling so I thought I'd reach out.

I have been a generalized anxiety suffere for almost 10 years now and I've been off and on meds throughout that time.  I remember my life before meds and I was functional (maybe not super happy all the time, but functional).  My anxiety increased in my 20s and I decided to go on meds.

 

So recently I've been on 10mg of Prozac for about 3 years now and I'm thinking of having a kid so I decided to go off of the drugs.  About two months later I stood up from dinner and got really lightheaded.  My brain felt like it was being squeezed and my vision went all melty blurry.  I fell down and launched into what I guess was a full blown anxiety attack.  I've never had one before and it was obviously really scary.  It lasted almost 10 hours and I eventually went to the ER.

That was two months ago.  Ever since then it's like the anxiety beast is out of it's cage.  I feel lightheaded all the time (almost a dizzy feeling but with no vertigo).  My heart races for no reason, and I feel anxious a lot  without warning.  I am super scared of having another panic attack but most of all I just don't feel like myself.  This is interfering with every aspect of my life and I feel like no fun at all.  I am afraid to exercise or dance or do anything that might push my body to some unknown limit.  I get terrible headaches and generally just feel really weird.  If I drink a beer I feel even weirder. WTF is going on with me?

Has anyone else experienced anything similar to these symptoms?  I saw a GP and she suggested that I should go back on meds.  I am really hesitant to do that for a few reasons:

1.  I am afraid the meds have made my anxiety worse, to the point where I can't deal with it without taking them

2.  I want to have a kid at some point soon and I'd rather not be on meds

I really keep thinking that this will get better.  I have tried acupuncture, yoga, and herbal calmers but nothing really has solved the problem to any noticeable degree.  If anyone has any insight into this I would greatly appreciate it!  I just want my old life back.  I know I used to be able to not be on medication and function.  I feel like my brain is broken.

Published in Diary
Saturday, 04 October 2014 06:03

My Journey

Hi, my name is Holly. I am seeking out a community of people who understand anxiety. I feel so alone in my condition sometimes. I feel like I am crazy and that I make up everything that is wrong with me, but I am learning that that is not true.

I have been going to doctors very routinely since about the 1st grade (I am a sophomore in college now). For all these years, I have usually been told that nothing is wrong with me. My problems have been breathing issues, stomach issues, acid reflux, neck pain, general body pain, exhaustion, sore throat, exessive mucus, etc. I always felt hopeless and insane. I felt like I was making up my problems and became progressively depressed.

In the 10th grade I became extremely depressed. I was very suicidal and started taking antidepressents. I honestly don't remember much after getting on those pills. All I know is that they stopped my anxiety attacks and they caused me to sit at home and stare at a lot of walls. I think I was working with a bad psychologist at this point in my life. I am trying to get the courage to try anti anxiety pills soon because the anxiety is out of control again.

My current problems include breathing difficulties, extreme stomach pain, inability to eat much, exhaustion, and lots and lots of emotional anxiety issues. After going to 3 specialists, I have been told that nothing is physically wrong with me and that basically all of my medical conditions can be attributed to anxiety. The time has come for me to try anti-anxiety pills because this anxiety is taking over my life.

I am trying to be hopeful that things will get better. I have big dreams. I am an actress and a singer and I want to pursue those passions. I want a family and I want happiness. But anxiety is stopping me from doing all of this. I need a community to be on my side and help me to understand my anxiety. But I am going to have faith that it will get better. I need to have faith that it will get better.

Published in Diary
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