I'd like to introduce myself to the community. In fact, it's the first really positive web community that I found and I'm really glad that whoever had the initiative, succeeds to create a good vibe between anxiety suffurers, making them help each other. I have to apologize for my english which is not perfect, I'm a french guy :)
It's been a few months since I am in this difficult condition but even if the first months were just long days of trying to fight and understand my problem I now know what's going on in my head and will help myself to get out of this misunderstood natural mecanism. I have to say that EMDR helped my a lot to get rid of my trauma (generic trivial bad trip on drug) and gaining more confidence. Now I made myself a program based on understanding, acceptance, positive activities, exercising, omega 3 and B-vitamin complex :)
It's now a matter of time until I get rid of my anxiety !
Would love to discuss with you guys.
The french guy who has a name that you will find difficult to pronounce.
I'm at school. Really anxious. I can feel it. My panic attack is coming. Every time, at 8:40 it begins. First period. I'm getting so tired of getting these panic attacks everyday when there is school.
On Monday 27th January 2014, I had my first anxiety attack since around 2002. I'm now 34 and this attack was linked to my hearing.
Every few years I have to have to my ears syringed due to excessive wax build up, but before I can have them cleared I temporarily lose part of my hearing. On this particular Monday I felt my right ear fill with wax, and the loss of hearing sent me into a panic. Luckily my partner was with me and did her best to help calm me down, but it triggered a meltdown that I had not experienced before.
I moved to London from Brighton in October 2013, in an attempt to become an actor, and had found it very difficult to settle. The few friends I had were spread about all over London and I was struggling to find work, so I couldn't afford to go and visit them. I spent every other weekend back in Brighton with my partner, and during the weekends in between she came and visited me.
The room that I lived in was almost self-contained, with its own kitchen and sharing solely a bathroom with the landlord. All bills were included in the rent and although the room was noisy (with the sound of the boiler, fridge and other electrics) I was happy to have what felt like my own place for the first time ever. The one thing that I struggled with was that the landlord was incredibly paranoid, and if ever I left a light on or a window open, I'd get an aggressive text message or letter left in my room reminding me not to do it.
Finding regular paid work was a problem. I registered with temping agencies, extra agencies, promo agencies and corporate role-play agencies. Each made various promises of work, and knowing that I only needed 10 full days of work a month to survive, I was confident that I would be able to find enough work to survive. Unfortunately this didn't turn out to be the case, and I ended up borrowing money from my girlfriend and my family for rent and living costs every month.
Shortly after arriving in London, I obtained a job working for a well known London scare attraction. I would be working as a professional scarer. It was great fun. I was promised a three-month contract upon successful audition, and having worked a trial shift I was successful in getting the job. Unfortunately, on halloween weekend, I threw myself into the job a little too hard and managed to smash my head open on a wall. This meant an evening in A&E, and 16 stitches later I was back home with a very real zombie-like scar on my forehead. Despite this, no further work was forthcoming. This also took me out of the acting game temporarily, as I looked nothing like my headshots and so couldn't apply for the sort of roles that I had been successful in previously.
A couple of days later I had to return to A&E because a strange swelling had started in my face. They were quite concerned about it and so sent me for a scan. Luckily it turned out to be standard swelling, and nothing to worry about. During this time, my girlfriend came to stay with me, and forgot to turn off the bathroom light after using it. My landlord knocked on the door, and without looking me in the eye, pointed at the bathroom and said "I thought we had an agreement?" I didn't know what he was talking about, until I spotted the light on. I apologised, didn't bother explaining that it was my partner who had left it on, and turned it off again.
I did some temp admin work in the meantime, and applied for flexible part-time work. I didn't manage to get an interview for any of it. Over December I did manage to obtain some work as a corporate party host, which provided me with my first regular income in London, but this stopped as soon as Christmas hit. Also, as much as I enjoyed the work, I didn't enjoy the way that management were treating some of the bar staff, so I found this uncomfortable too.
So January 2014 arrived and I went all-out searching for work. I registered with more agencies and did some dribs and drabs of self-employed work like delivering leaflets and doing data entry. I continued to hit brick wall after brick wall, and I continued to get further and further into debt. I also picked up a bit of a cold.
Then my tooth started playing up. I went to the dentist to get it looked at, and it was going to cost over £200 to get a cap fitted. I went away in despair, knowing that I had no income and no way of affording the cap. Luckily my girlfriend stepped in again and helped me with the cost, as I couldn't continue to live in the pain I was in.
So my time in London was incredibly frustrating, and I spent a lot of time on my own in the flat, just searching for work.
When the ear problem kicked in, it completely freaked me out and I struggled to calm myself down. I went to Sainsbury's and bought some ear drops, knowing that if I started putting them in myself and then made an appointment to see the nurse, I could have my ear syringed sooner rather than later. The next day I made an appointment to see the nurse. The receptionist said I had to put ear drops in before I could make an appointment. I explained that I had already started and I would like to see the nurse on the Friday, which would represent a week since I started putting the drops in.
I turned up on the Friday in a state of excitement, I couldn't wait for the ear to be syringed and my hearing to be back to normal.
Only, the nurse wouldn't do it.
She said I had to go and see the doctor first. This upset me and I nearly started crying there and then, but I fought back the tears and went back to reception. I asked if I could see a doctor ASAP and they said they had no appointments for a few days, but if I came back in person on Monday at 8am then I could get an emergency appointment. So, two more days of frustration, but at least I'd be able to see a doctor first thing.
I arrived on the Monday morning and asked to make an appointment. They said the first appointment was at 10am. I had a casting at 10am, so couldn't make it. They hadn't told me that you couldn't see a doctor straight away, but to give the receptionist her dues, she immediately saw my distress and arranged a 6.20pm appointment for me.
I went back at 6.20pm and the doctor looked in my ears, commented on the wax build up and said I should get them syringed. Finally! It was difficult talking to the doctor because English was not his first language, but he was friendly and approachable, and he did listen to me.
On the way out, I noticed the nurse in a room on her own, so I knocked the door and apologised to her for my reaction when she had told me she wouldn't do it. It wasn't an aggressive reaction, just an upset one. She accepted my apology and explained that she was being ultra-cautious because she herself had had her ear syringed when it was actually suffering from an infection, and it had caused complications.
Nonetheless, I made an appointment to see her first thing the next morning.
I arrived, again eager to have my ear cleared. She was running late, despite an early appointment.
She then went into a rant about how the doctor kept taking her ear magnifier/telescope thing (is that what it's called??) and proceeded to look into my ear. She put the water pressure device in my ear and turned it on, a process I had been through several times before. A couple of large pieces of wax dropped out of my ear. She then started mumbling and getting stressed and anxious herself. She started to have a go at me about the fact that the wax wasn't very loose, and she would have to put more water in than she would have liked. She said I hadn't put the drops in properly. The truth was that there was so much wax in my ear that it had started dropping out long before I got to see her, so what she could see was the bits that the drop probably hadn't reached yet.
Anyway, it was a very anxiety-filled experience, but it was done.
I knew that it would take a couple of days for my ear to return to normal, but due to the stress of what I had been through, I decided to go and stay with my partner in Brighton for a bit of respite.
The next day, something wasn't quite right in my ear, so I went to the drop-in centre and saw a nurse there. He looked in my ear and said that she had done a good job, my earwas clear and there was no damage to the eardrum. He said there was a little bit of stress on the inside of my inner-ear, and compared it to the hard skin you get on your nose when you wipe it too much when you have a cold. He said it was causing a bit of echoyness, but that it would subside in a couple of days. He was friendly and listened to my concerns when I explained why I was so anxious. I thanked him a lot, and left with the understanding that everything would be okay.
Since then I have become highly sensitive to my tinitis (which I have had for a long time now), as well as any high pitched noises made by electronic devices.
On my last night in the flat the toilet flushing mechanism broke. It had always been dodgy and the break was inevitable. Despite this, my landlord said he would charge me for the repair. I was incensed, but didn't argue. Instead I just informed him that I had made the decision to end my tenancy agreement and I would back this up in writing, as per the terms of our contract.
I had to get out of London, as being in that flat was causing me to feel anxious, and I started having panic attacks at night. My girlfriend helped me hire a van and I moved all of my stuff out and split it between her flat and a friend's house, where I am currently crashing.
Currently my living situation is very up in the air. I am struggling to find a room because I don't have a job, and I am constantly applying for work. Although I'm doing everything I can, I am very anxious because I can only stay at my friend's house for a couple of weeks, and my girlfriend is due to move out of her house in a few weeks too, so I need to get my stuff out of there. That said, her sister has said that I can leave all my stuff at her house while I couchsurf if necessary.
The big problem for me is that I now keep having random panic attacks. Even when I think I have calmed down and got things under control, I keep finding it being triggered. I find myself scared of the dark, and when night starts to fall I get nervous and panicky. This has never happened to me before.
My usual coping techniques (breathing, meditation) aren't working, as I can't seem to settle down long enough to engage with them.
My ears still feel a bit strange and I'm sure something's not right, but I am no longer registered with a doctor and I have no permanent address to register with one.
I don't know where I will be living in a week's time, and I haven't heard anything about any of the jobs I have been applying for.
But mostly I'm scared of the anxiety itself. I'm scared it will never go away. My father suffers with it and has been on medication for all of his life. I don't want to go down that route, but right now, for the first time ever, I feel like I need some sort of mood stabiliser to help me sleep and live. I keep waking up in a panic, although I'm fine once I get up and doing things.
That said, it's now 3.50am and I've been writing this for an hour and a half. I'm hoping it will be enough to allow me to return to sleep.
- Michael Colson (10)
- Andria Gibson (1)
- Joyce Diaz (1)
- anxiousguy (1)
- Dale Ward (1)
- Asho_DirtyPoo (1)
- Tobias Johnson (1)
- Greg Weber (1)
- BettyInBlack (1)
- AnxietyGirlD (1)
- Luke Walker (1)
- James Nelson (3)
- toliveistodie20 (1)
- Aaron Kretzschmar (2)
- mae mae (1)
- Stanley Schwarz (1)
- Lizzi Clark (2)
- Jessica Claire (4)
- ashleyind (1)
- nicehair (1)
- Bandit Bipolar (1)
- kitkat16 (1)
- valorieb (2)
- Robin Lett (1)
- Salomon Ptasevich (1)
- smaxwell (1)
- Rob Hyden (1)
- cherokeeblues (1)
- Cohen Sandy (1)
- michael Jonas (1)
- Mary Beth Claude (1)