Saturday, 20 December 2014 20:27

Holiday season

I wanted to start off by saying that I hate the holidays. This time of the year is really difficult for me because I have a small family with alot of addictions, abuse, and loss. I lost both of my parents when I was 11 years old, so the holiday season is a harsh reminder of reality. Now that I'm 18, it has become stressful because many of my family members now expect me to step up and buy presents, host family parties, and drop all of my responsibilities to participate in christmas activities. Lately, this has made me stressed out and on edge. To make matters worse, the majority of my family does not understand anxiety and thinks that I just need to "get over it". They think that I'm doing this to myself, which is ridiculous. Who would put themselves through this? 

About a month ago, my Dziadzie (grandfather) died. This has caused alot of tension in my family and alot of pressure on me. In my mind, he was the only connection I had to my mother's family, so in a way my family has gotten smaller and smaller. It's very hard going through this when you feel like you don't have anyone. 

Any way, I have a family party to go to so I'll probably make another diary post when I get home. 

bye guys xx

Published in Diary
Thursday, 18 December 2014 17:19

Persistent Thoughts

I think sometimes the hardest part of having Panic Disorder is the persistent thoughts...thinking about my anxiety, thinking about a panic attack, thinking about what I'd tell a doctor about my feelings and thoughts, thinking about making an appointment with a doctor to talk about it, thinking about thinking about it, thinking about what's causing it, thinking about having a serious panic attack in public, thinking about fainting in public, thinking about living with the anxiety and on and on.  My mind nearly always is running through mock scenarios in my mind of different situations and what I'd say or do.  It's like I'm obsessed with the one thing I want to forget.  I try to focus so much on not letting the panic in; not letting it win or control me.  I surpress it, and try to control it through sheer will power (which is not always easy).  I am a very stubborn, strong willed woman, and I will not let it run my life, nor will I let it control my actions.  I have stayed at work even through sometimes very severe panic attacks and worked through the day, all the while going through waves of heart pounding, hyperventilating, chest spasming feelings.  I can do this, but it seems I need to focus on focusing my thoughts elsewhere as well.

_Megan_

Published in Diary
Thursday, 18 December 2014 17:19

Persistent Thoughts

I think sometimes the hardest part of having Panic Disorder is the persistent thoughts...thinking about my anxiety, thinking about a panic attack, thinking about what I'd tell a doctor about my feelings and thoughts, thinking about making an appointment with a doctor to talk about it, thinking about thinking about it, thinking about what's causing it, thinking about having a serious panic attack in public, thinking about fainting in public, thinking about living with the anxiety and on and on.  My mind nearly always is running through mock scenarios in my mind of different situations and what I'd say or do.  It's like I'm obsessed with the one thing I want to forget.  I try to focus so much on not letting the panic in; not letting it win or control me.  I surpress it, and try to control it through sheer will power (which is not always easy).  I am a very stubborn, strong willed woman, and I will not let it run my life, nor will I let it control my actions.  I have stayed at work even through sometimes very severe panic attacks and worked through the day, all the while going through waves of heart pounding, hyperventilating, chest spasming feelings.  I can do this, but it seems I need to focus on focusing my thoughts elsewhere as well.

_Megan_

Published in Diary
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