Friday, 21 November 2014 10:38

Taking control: I can be cured.

I was going home this afternoon when I felt like I wanted to pee. I had an intrusive thought about vaginas. When I was going to the bathroom I thought '' Time to drain the lil puss puss'which I thought was  inappropriateSo I became a little disgusted with myself which in turn made me anxious and I couldn't take the words ''lil puss puss off my mind. Next is I had intrusive thoughts about swallowing coins. When I came into my room, I deposit the change in my pocket into an ice cream container. Seeing the amount of coins in there I had an intrusive thought about swallowing them. I attribute this thought to watching a television program in my childhood about a child who died because she accidentally swallowed a coin. I had quite a large amount of small change, I was planning to have it changed into bigger bills at a store.

I decided to do that today. I counted all the coins until I had the amount of one hundred pesos, and during the time I was counting, I had intrusive thoughts and images of swallowing them. I pulled through and got it changed without having a panic attack.

I felt glad that I did it, that I managed to count despite having fears. This lead me to a realization that despite having anxiety and intrusive thoughts, I still have control. I feel hopeful that I would be able to go back to normal or close to it.

All of my anxiety and intrusive thoughts have stems and triggers that my disorder blows out of proportion. I will list down my fears and intrusive thoughts and expand on the sources.

1.) I was afraid of thinking the word ''vagina'or anything related to it because of its inappropriateness. I attribute this to receiving a picture of a vagina from a girl whom I chatted with and it freaked me out. Needless to say, I don't chat with her anymore.

2.) I was afraid of being inappropriate or having inappropriate feelings to friends or people who are girls (especially those attractive ones) , I attribute this to my high school days when I had feelings for my best friend who is a girl. It was a difficult time in my life. I managed to push away my best friend because I was still hiding or denying my sexuality.

3.) Blowjobs, I had intrusive thoughts about this which I attribute to reading ''The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo'where the protagonist of the storywas forced to perform fellatio on her legal guardian. I already read this book before my history of anxiety. I also read this during a time when I was anxious, so there we go.

4.) Intrusive thoughts about incest. I saw the movie ''The Dreamers'about paternal twins who have an almost incestual relationship. The film was graphic and I saw it when I was anxious too.

5.) Fear of going crazy. This I attribute to having anxiety alone, it can make one feel like she is going out of control.

Now that I know these stems. I know that I am in control, and that the only time that I may lose control is when I get a panic attack because of anxiety. And this is very treatable, can even be cured, or even make me turn out to be a better person.

 

Published in Diary
Saturday, 15 November 2014 11:50

Sleep

I have trouble sleeping and the sedative that my psychiatrist prescribed helped me a lot. I am only supposed to take it for one week every 8pm, after that I should keep them around for emergencies. The other night I went to sleep without much trouble, last night was different. I was tense,  catching little sounds with my ears. I managed to sleep but woke up 3 hours later, I do not know if it was because of the anxiety or because of the stupid drag racing bikes in my neighborhood.

I tried to go back to sleep naturally, not wanting to be dependent on sedatives, but around 4 am I had to admit defeat and took 1/4 of clonazepam.  I awoke around 7 or 8 feeling particularly shitty. So I spent the day in my room watching youtube videos until I felt so sleepy that I  was dizzy. I took a nap and woke up  an hour later feeling nauseous, sweaty, this happened before and I had a panic attack. Now I am here, feeling better without having a panic attack thank goodness.

Hopefully, later I will be able to sleep soundly on my own without the aid of sedatives, and continue with my life.

Published in Diary
Thursday, 13 November 2014 09:03

First Entry

Today I feel positive, really positive. I've taken all of the terrified thoughts and anxious behaviours from last night and turned them around. I feel control and power, i know it wont last forever, because i get tired, or sad, or nervous and it will all come flooding back. But im prepared for that at the moment. Life doesnt seem so bleak. It feels managable. I guess im writing this to remind myself that there are points in time that i do feel okay, and i feel safe. When i start to feel depressed my reality slips away and im left feeling so hurt and vunerable, then i might have suicidal thoughts and although i know i couldnt take my own life, my anxiety kicks in like nobodies business. I know now why thay say anxiety is the cousin to depression. But with all that said, i feel so good about this, and i feel lucky to have been given the opportunity to experience real shit downs and get to learn some really amazing things about myself. I cant promise my next entry wont be tonight when my bed time trigger seems to kick off, but i feel confident in knowing that nothing is ever permanent and life is ever flowing and changing. I've got this.

Published in Diary
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