Had a great day today! I went out to have my professional license documents sorted out and decided to visit my old university for kicks with my friend Sam. Sam was decent company, the faculty was really nice. I had a lengthy conversation with an all professor about my anxiety and about meditation etc.
The best was when I we walked along the corridor and my old statistics teacher ushered me in her classroom when I waved at her. She introduced me to her class proudly as one of the few who passed the board exam. I was flushed but I appreciated it. I have to admit, it was nice.
Had some anxiety peppered here or there but I managed to ignore it. I hope this will go on.
For the rest of the day I just hung out with Sam.
I was going home this afternoon when I felt like I wanted to pee. I had an intrusive thought about vaginas. When I was going to the bathroom I thought '' Time to drain the lil puss puss'' which I thought was inappropriate. So I became a little disgusted with myself which in turn made me anxious and I couldn't take the words ''lil puss puss off my mind. Next is I had intrusive thoughts about swallowing coins. When I came into my room, I deposit the change in my pocket into an ice cream container. Seeing the amount of coins in there I had an intrusive thought about swallowing them. I attribute this thought to watching a television program in my childhood about a child who died because she accidentally swallowed a coin. I had quite a large amount of small change, I was planning to have it changed into bigger bills at a store.
I decided to do that today. I counted all the coins until I had the amount of one hundred pesos, and during the time I was counting, I had intrusive thoughts and images of swallowing them. I pulled through and got it changed without having a panic attack.
I felt glad that I did it, that I managed to count despite having fears. This lead me to a realization that despite having anxiety and intrusive thoughts, I still have control. I feel hopeful that I would be able to go back to normal or close to it.
All of my anxiety and intrusive thoughts have stems and triggers that my disorder blows out of proportion. I will list down my fears and intrusive thoughts and expand on the sources.
1.) I was afraid of thinking the word ''vagina'' or anything related to it because of its inappropriateness. I attribute this to receiving a picture of a vagina from a girl whom I chatted with and it freaked me out. Needless to say, I don't chat with her anymore.
2.) I was afraid of being inappropriate or having inappropriate feelings to friends or people who are girls (especially those attractive ones) , I attribute this to my high school days when I had feelings for my best friend who is a girl. It was a difficult time in my life. I managed to push away my best friend because I was still hiding or denying my sexuality.
3.) Blowjobs, I had intrusive thoughts about this which I attribute to reading ''The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo'' where the protagonist of the storywas forced to perform fellatio on her legal guardian. I already read this book before my history of anxiety. I also read this during a time when I was anxious, so there we go.
4.) Intrusive thoughts about incest. I saw the movie ''The Dreamers'' about paternal twins who have an almost incestual relationship. The film was graphic and I saw it when I was anxious too.
5.) Fear of going crazy. This I attribute to having anxiety alone, it can make one feel like she is going out of control.
Now that I know these stems. I know that I am in control, and that the only time that I may lose control is when I get a panic attack because of anxiety. And this is very treatable, can even be cured, or even make me turn out to be a better person.
I have trouble sleeping and the sedative that my psychiatrist prescribed helped me a lot. I am only supposed to take it for one week every 8pm, after that I should keep them around for emergencies. The other night I went to sleep without much trouble, last night was different. I was tense, catching little sounds with my ears. I managed to sleep but woke up 3 hours later, I do not know if it was because of the anxiety or because of the stupid drag racing bikes in my neighborhood.
I tried to go back to sleep naturally, not wanting to be dependent on sedatives, but around 4 am I had to admit defeat and took 1/4 of clonazepam. I awoke around 7 or 8 feeling particularly shitty. So I spent the day in my room watching youtube videos until I felt so sleepy that I was dizzy. I took a nap and woke up an hour later feeling nauseous, sweaty, this happened before and I had a panic attack. Now I am here, feeling better without having a panic attack thank goodness.
Hopefully, later I will be able to sleep soundly on my own without the aid of sedatives, and continue with my life.
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