Monday, 23 February 2015 02:31

My Story entry.1

My story is a long one, a story which has defined who I am but also still holding me down. My anxiety is caused by many things, mostly constant abuse, past torture, abandonment, and the fact my mind can not leave the "fight or flight" response. If you are reading this I really hope someone out there can understand any of this, for the most recent event has me seeking help or trying to find hope again... I am going to write daily events... so I can reflect on what I am writing and try and make sense out of all of it. Also reflect on what I can do to make sure it never happens again.

 

I was born September 12, 1990, I was raised by a drunken father who had the wisdom of a great man, but chose to teach me his wisdom with an iron gauntlet. My mother was diagnosed with psychophrenia from the results of my fathers abuse, when she is "normal" she is the happiest person you will ever meet... But when she is going through what I call a "phase" she tried to kill me multiple times. Both have taught me to be respectful, kind, assertive, mannerful, and so many good things, I will give them at least that much credit.

 

As we go on... it wasn't just them who made me have so many bad memories... I wish it was just them, it seems that everyone these days have terrible parental experiences... but what about friends, strangers, relationships? I have been dealt the same treatment from everyone who has come across me. I really wish I could say I am an asshole, I am not a good person, I am jealous, I am hateful, I am spiteful... but I am not any of these things. Matter of fact I am actually calm, collected, easy going, free spirited, and I feel from all I have been through I fully understand what causes people to be so spiteful. The only bad thing about me... I feel I can never be happy.

 

I am not much of a writer but I am now going to take a trip back in time... back to my hell. There are no dates... these events happened so frequently that it felt like a daily thing.

The chessboard (high school days): I love chess, I love strategy, but at one point in life I was doing terrible in school. I was hanging out with the "outcasts" (what we called ourselves), we all had destructive parents and that fueled our destructive nature. This nature had me skipping classes, not doing homework to go out with my friends, and fighting. Well all of those destructive actions got back to my father who I was living with at the time... He was furious. He didn't beat me for once, but instead told me I was grounded for an entire year. Yes, an entire year.

 

When I was grounded it wasn't just "no outside privileges" or "no video games / T.V". I was grounded from everything except books and a chess board. My brother ran away during this time so there was no one to play chess with, I already read all of my books, so I began playing chess by myself. I built strategies, and game play ideas, was bored but that was all I could do. My father came home one time drunk from the bar and asked me a simple question after he noticed me playing chess by myself. He asked me "who's winning Isiah". Of course I answered "I am". He had a follow up question, "who's losing Isiah"? I was somewhat confused by his question but answered again "I am". He sat on the opposite of the table and asked again, "who's winning Isiah", and again I answered "I am". He was frustrated at this point and threatened "You better give me a fucking straight answer Isiah, who the fuck is winning"? "I am". He rubbed his head, got off his seat, and stood over me. He looked me in the eyes and he stated "You better give me a straight fucking answer, you can't be winning and losing, Who the fuck is losing"!? I screamed I am and then came the fists... pummeled me... then he just walked away without a word...

 

Published in Diary
Wednesday, 28 January 2015 03:22

In the Middle of Anxiety...

 Anxiety is many things. Those of us that struggle with it would never name any of those things in a positive manner. Instead we would say things like, anxiety is...

 

Tormenting

Suffering

Burdening

Painful

Exhausting

Scary

Confusing

Lonely

Life altering (negatively)

 

...amongst many other negative things. But, what if I told you that anxiety can also be...

 

Inspiring

Enlightening

Empathetic

Growth providing

Strength Building

Clarifying

Life altering (positively)

 

Would you believe me? Somebody in the middle of an anxiety episode would probably say no. But here's the kicker...its in the middle of our anxiety, smack dab in the core of its intensity, that we can experience those exact things. That's right. Instead of feeling and experiencing all of those negative things, we can experience the positive ones. Or at the very least, we can have both. Now before you write me off as crazy, or someone who just doesn't understand, hear me out. This advice is not coming from someone on the outside who has no clue what it is like to suffer the anguish of anxiety. To the contrary, I have been at the brunt of anxiety and its many forms (panic, generalized, social, health related, phobias, OCD) for as long as I can remember. To make matters worse, I did not understand what it even was until I was in my 20's. Up until then I walked around internalizing everything and wondering if I truly was crazy. And, 6 years later, I am still fighting the good fight. I actually had one of the worst years ever with my anxiety this past year. But, on the flip side, it was because of this past year that I experienced more growth and clarity than I have in my whole life. Facing the worst of my anxiety head on forced me to become stronger. It pushed me to understand myself better and what I have to offer.

 

Now when I think to myself “what I wouldn't give to never experience another episode,” I stop and remind myself of all of the good things I would have to give up along with it. In the end I wouldn't be myself anymore. I eventually had to ask myself, is that what I really want? To not be me anymore? I mean, sure I am anxious, but I am anxious because I love deeply, because I care deeply. Some might say I care too much which is why I worry about everything, but whats so wrong with caring on that kind of a level? Would I rather not care at all? Who says that is better? Sometimes I think others could be more empathetic and caring. Sometimes I see what not caring enough can do and I am grateful to be as sensitive as I am. I believe that people with anxiety are more than just worriers. They are what I like to call highly sensitive people. I don't mean this in the sense that you say one wrong thing and we break down and cry. I mean that we are highly sensitive to all aspects of this world.

 

I truly believe that people with anxiety see the world from an enhanced perspective. In turn, this allows them the ability to see the beauty in things, deeply feel the love that life has to offer, and to find the growth in every experience. This makes for excellent teachers, writers, advice givers, artists, creators and even leaders. Unfortunately, as a result of this intensity and sensitivity, we tend to dwell and flounder in the negative aspects of this world and life. This is due to our “knowing” of all that can be lost or taken from us. Anxiety truly is a double-edged sword. However, I also look at anxiety as almost like a sixth sense that we just don't know what to do with. But, once this is realized and respected, anxiety can be used to our advantage. Once those of us with anxiety understand it as being a direct result of our very nature and a key component in who we are as a being in this life, we can stop fearing it and start embracing and accepting it for all that it is, both positive and negative. Now, this is easier said than done, but it can be done. It takes work and it takes daily reminders and practice when you are in the thick of it, but you will slowly start to realize why your anxiety is manifesting and how to take that intense energy and put it towards something positive. Does this mean that I have it all figured out and will never experience anxiety again? Certainly not! It actually means that I am learning to accept it as an inevitable part of my existence, but at the same time I strive to find the positive in it as often as I can. In others words, I strive to let it lift me up instead of beat me down.

  

 For example, for me this requires writing. I realized that all of the thoughts inside my head need an outlet. It is important to me to find a way to inspire and help others with my words. It is a yearning in my soul. This inspires me to find the growth in every experience life throws at me so I can share my learning with others. It keeps me from feeling sorry for myself and gives me a reason to push forward. I also love to draw because it allows me to not think about anything for a change. I also know that being alone is nice sometimes, but too much of that is never a good thing for me. And I know I sometimes have to force myself to join in on certain activities or groups because in the end I know it will benefit me. I know I need to vent sometimes and have found a great therapist who understands me. I also have a great husband who has had to take on the brunt of a lot of my anxiety, and I am starting to learn that it is not fair and not best for me to expect him to know how to help me all the time. This is why I have my therapist, this community, groups, family, and close friends as well. I am also following my curiosity and yearning for understanding my spirituality and what I truly believe is beyond this life. This is a long road too, but I know it is crucial to my existence. Bottom line, I am learning to understand myself and am starting to explore my potential through all of it, the good and the bad. You just have to find what works for you. This journey will be different for everybody, but the goal should generally be the same. To learn to understand yourself, your potential, and to love all that you are and have to offer, because we are all perfectly imperfect and are designed to be just so.  

Published in Anxiety General Blog
Sunday, 11 January 2015 03:00

To be or not to be anxious

After Googling "sweaty hands", I got directed to this site. I've been having issues with excessive sweat on my hands, back,... feet, well everywhere on my body. Even went to a dermatologist for a solution. She gave me something to rub on my hands etc and it worked, so I never really had any second thoughts about it, it does sting a little bit the day after but it's okay. I've Google'd it before, but never really got into it. Now I think I might have a type of mild anxiety, after reading some symptoms and knowing I have some of them too. Allthough I'm not really sure I have anxiety, I thought i'd write down some of my thoughts. 

Up untill now some of my symptoms or problems are: sweatiness when nervous (it can get really bad to the point it's like my hands are sweating non-stop, it makes me introverted while i'm normally not at all, I like social contact but I haven't had a girlfriend for 8 years because of it) I remember when I was 16, sitting on the train with some friends and one of my female friends grabbed my hands and litterally asked if I had been fingering her other friend because my hands were so wet... ofcourse this cause me to get more nervous) I also get pain in my stomach from time to time, but not always. So far my physical "pains". My psychological "pains" , for me that is, are not easy to explain. I have a different mindset than most people. I think more in a "strong, silent type"- kind of way, props to The Sopranos ofcourse. In short, this means that I'm not going to talk to someone about my problems. I want to overcome my problems on my own. And if I have anxiety, so be it, I will eventually overcome this. It's not as bad as some of you whose comments I've read, I'm not afraid of going out or meeting new people, I do get stressed and I tend to overthink alot but you could say i lead a "normal" life. Everybody has problems, I try to deal with them. That is at least how I see it. I don't want to be selfish and bother others with my shallow problems. Ofcourse I wouldn't be saying this if I suffered as much as some, but for me, it is what it is, I don't have cancer and like i stated previously, my life isn't that bad. I don't want to discourage any of you reading this who suffer from anxiety from getting help, it is merely how I see it, from my point of view. So some other syptoms I have: I worry alot and this causes me alot of sleepless nights, For example when someone says something "mean" to me I end up fretting about it for hours. Well that's about all I can think of for now, I"ll share one more thing though.

Since I was little I've always had this dream, I don't even have to be asleep to experience it. It only occurs though when I'm in my bed. It's like the room I'm in is way bigger than it actually is and I'm smaller than I actually am. I can't really describe the feeling, maybe I should write it down next time, but I do know that I panick and I really have to tell myself that it isn't real. I've always wanted to know what this meant, so if anyone knows, please enlighten me.

 

Published in Diary
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