Friday, 17 January 2014 00:41

My story

About a year ago I was diagnosed with anxiety / depression but I guess the anxiety hit me harder due to it being a constant thing in my life and never going away. Anyway, I went to see an anxiety specialist who talked through everything with me and made everything crystal clear. He told me what kind of anxiety I had and how I could deal with it then I started taking anti anxiety medication and that helped, quite a lot aswell but now I'm off the medication and I'm just about coping, I used to get close to breaking point with both my depression and my anxiety. My depression had me crying while trying to sleep, and my anxiety had me constantly worrying and not being able to basically leave the house for fear of anything and everything.

Published in Diary
Sunday, 25 August 2013 21:07

Entry #1? idk

When I was 6 years old, I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. My elementary school and middle school years were all tourture for me (thats what my mom said I said it was like), but i can barely remember it.

I'm surrently a junior in high school, and although my depression is getting better (probably because I have genuine friends now), my anxiety is still horrible. I've been asking my mom to get me anxiety medication, but she keeps fighting me on it. She'll say "well you've been fine the last two years of high school" "I don't want you dopped up on pills all the time" "you don't want to gain weight from the side-effect, do you?" or other things. But I need the medication, I've always know that I do. I need it so I can raise my hand in class and say something. or to go up and give a presentation. I need it to talk to my teacher one on one. I need it to walk down the halls without a friend right next to me. I need it so I can be okay with someone brushing my back every once in a while in the halls. Or so that I can carry a purse instead of a backpack 24/7. I need it so I can ask for help. I need it for everything.

The only time she ever said I should go on medication was when it effected her life. I had an anxiety attack in the car and it was horrible but all she did was tell me I'm selfish and that I'm shitty person. The next day she said I should go on anxiety medication. Not because I need it to do simple tasks, but because she doesn't want me to "make a scene" again.

The only personin my family who seems to understand just  little bit of what I go through is my dad. He's incredibly shy, unless he's around his sister (who's like his best friend), or unless he's one on one with me, or after he's had a beer or two. My mom is very uptight, conservative, and almost too assertive. My younger brother is loud and obnoxious to the point where he makes people look at him (which freaks me out because then I feel like everyone is staring at us). My Dad's side of the family is really relaxed and fun. We're loud, but mostly because we're laughing. I feel so comfortable around them that I actually talk and make jokes and smile. My mom's side of the family is extremely judgemental, crtical, old-fashioned, and nothing like me. (unfortunately) They all live in our area, and my mom is super close with all of them (my 2 aunts and my grandma), so we go out to dinner or things all the time. Since I was a kid, I've known that I can never truely be myself around them, and recently I realized it would just be better to become mute around them. I'd rather be judge for being mute and "anti-social" than for anything that I say. 

My friends are very understanding. My friends are more on the quiet side, but when we're all together we're loud and laughing. My two best friends and I are so close that we share everything, and have "deep" conversations at 3 in the morning. My boyfriend is another one of my best friends. I've let all three of them tear down my walls, and they all have complete access to me. I'm not afraid of what they'll think, or of being judged around them. Which is a big deal because I always used to feel that way around people. And we're able to tell each other if something about them is bothering us. Which is huge for me, because in past friendships, I would keep quiet about anything that bothered me. I think I did it to avoid conflict, because I thought that conflict would mean that I would lose a friend.

I don't really know where I was going with this but I guess its a good first diary entry?

Published in Diary
Monday, 17 June 2013 04:26

Fathers day

My meds are starting to lose their effectiveness. which is really worrying me. I'm not sure what the future holds. I want to know if this trend continues then what am I going to do? if I just up my dose then wont I need to up it again then again untill I'm at the max and then what? I either go off completely and try to take controle or I try another Medication that will probably come with someside effects or that wont work either. I guess I've had it good for 4 years, maybe it's time to take the bandaid off and see if what I have learnt will do the job (Scary thought!).

I just keep thinking of my kids and how this will effect them, I want to be the best mother that I can be, and when dealing with anxiety (from past behaviour) it seems unlikely with out meds. up untill a month ago I've been taking 10mg off Ciprilex and that has worked fairly well, I could get on with life and deal with stress in a more healthy way. but early may I had to up it after have anxiety and panic attacks, to 15mg and then I felt fine going for walks with my kiddies taking them to the park and having the energy to take care of my house. So now again I've been feeling my anxiety starting to creep up on me. So I'm feeling frustrated and upset and worried. I'm also pissed off at my anxiety I just want to kick it's ass! errrr

My hope is that I will be able to go off meds and be able to have a life worth living. A life worth living would be to me: being able to go see a movie, or going on a trip, or going to the summer fair, or going for a walk to the park all with out having a panic attack. Also to have the energy to take good care of my kids and clean my house.

Needless to say my hubby's Fathers day wasn't the greatest, I deffinately wish I could have done something special.


Published in Diary
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