Today I feel positive, really positive. I've taken all of the terrified thoughts and anxious behaviours from last night and turned them around. I feel control and power, i know it wont last forever, because i get tired, or sad, or nervous and it will all come flooding back. But im prepared for that at the moment. Life doesnt seem so bleak. It feels managable. I guess im writing this to remind myself that there are points in time that i do feel okay, and i feel safe. When i start to feel depressed my reality slips away and im left feeling so hurt and vunerable, then i might have suicidal thoughts and although i know i couldnt take my own life, my anxiety kicks in like nobodies business. I know now why thay say anxiety is the cousin to depression. But with all that said, i feel so good about this, and i feel lucky to have been given the opportunity to experience real shit downs and get to learn some really amazing things about myself. I cant promise my next entry wont be tonight when my bed time trigger seems to kick off, but i feel confident in knowing that nothing is ever permanent and life is ever flowing and changing. I've got this.
I am not a stupid person, in fact I consider myself a smart girl that sometimes or usually does stupid stuff (depending on circumstance). My history of academic performance varies from high average to low, although I always score high on intelligence test or aptitude tests. Recently I just passed my first Licensure Exam, the one for Registered Psychometricians and I am very happy about it.
So I am going into the heart of my problem before this would sound like a shameless self-aggrandizing entry.
Ever since I have been experiencing panic anxiety, I have been in a state of constant worry, primarily for my sanity. I have heard of those stories from my family and friends
about this person they knew or that one family member, that went a little astray with their mental health. Usually, I would hear, what a shame, she was smart that one, maybe became too smart.
And that always puts a chill in my heart, especially now that I am diagnosed with an actual mental disorder.
Am I going to be one of those people? That went crazy because of being too smart? Should I stop reading, and stifle my curiosity about random things?
These thoughts make me depressed, and worried.
So I am just gonna break down here the reasons why I should not be worried, this serves to soothe me and anyone else who may be thinking the same thing.
1. I am not that smart, sure I have a nice fat vocabulary in Engilsh even though it is my second language, and know some stuff, but I am especially terrible at math.
2. Intelligence itself is not the cause of mental disorders, they are just correlated (and I am guessing here) because intelligent people think and people with mental disorders think way too much.
3. There are geniuses who have IQs that are out of this world, and they are fine, perhaps some quirks here or there but otherwise fine.
4. There are a lot of stupid people that do stupid stuff and you just KNOW they have a mental disorder.
5. I am not that smart.
I've been bothered by intrusive thoughts lately and they are not your run-of-the-mill brain farts. They're the kind of thoughts that when it crossed you it will make you go ''What the f*ck was that about?'', ''Oh, gross'' or just plain ''No.'' pair that with anxiety and you got yourself one hell of a horror ride.
Fortunately, they do go away, and your logical sense, and maybe even your sense of humor will rise above this distressing thoughts.
Mine started when I was about to go to sleep, I remember that I was feeling pretty tense already and one thought popped into my head ''I think I'm going crazy''. My body immediately responded with an increased heart rate and further anxious thinking about going nuts. I went downstairs to see who I could talk to and expected it to be my brother as he is a night owl. I told him what was happening.
Unfortunately my brother is very skilled at being a douche to me and told me scoffed at me and ignored me. From then on the intrusive thoughts have varied from afraid of bieng Schizophrenic, Suicidal, Incestuous, Murderous, and Ridiculous. Now, I would like to elaborate what triggered them so we can see how what anxiety does to you, how it blows everything out of proportion
The Schizophrenic fear I acquired when I was studying for the Psychometrician Licensure Exam (I passed by the way), and the topics involved abnormal psychology, so there we go.
The Suicidal fear is given, I am aware of my current vulnerability given that I had a history of depression and suicidal ideation.
The Incest fear, I got this when I was watching the movie ''The Dreamers'' which has a semi-incestuous theme, since I was still pissed at my brother for being a douch, I was horrified at the incest and so intrusive thoughts of my incest wth bro ensued. Which is really gross.
The Murderous fear, I had a brief intrusive thought with me wanting to hurt or kill my family, but thinking about it now makes me sad.
The Ridiculous fear, most recently I had the fear of my mom or my family finding out that I don't believe in God. I was afraid that she will blame me for my Panic Anxiety because I don't believe in him and that is the cause of my suffering, that I am being punished for my atheism.
With respect to those with religious beliefs.
I was so scared that I tried to pray but it just made it worse cause believing in a god is just as ridiculous as my fears.
I've known about Schizophrenia before but I only got scared of it now, I've been suicidal before but I only got scared I would do it now, I've known my brother for as long as I remember but I only got scared of incest now. I've entertained the thought of hurting my family when I was angry but I only got scared of it now. I have been an atheist for three years now but I only got scared about it now.
The facts are, I am not a Schizophrenic, I am not suicidal anymore and I want to live, I am not sexually attracted to my brother, I don't want to kill or hurt my family, I love them, and I wouldn't want to hurt them even if I didnt love them, and I dont believe in God.
It's tough having this problem. It helps when I'm able to verbalize these thoughts and feelings, take them apart and separate the me from the anxiety. Of course, that's easier said than done, especially when you are currently experiencing the intrusive thoughts, leading to a panic attack.
The last time this happened to me (a couple or so hours ago) I was drunk with fear, unable to think straight. Trying my hardest to ignore, supress, and laugh off the intrusive, irrational, anxiety-induced thoughts.
It lasted throughout the day and it ended up with my heart rate reaching 121 per minute, I just let the feelings come through and breathed into a paper bag until, gradually, I felt better.
It ends, and I continue living.
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