Siblings & Fires
As a child life was not easy in my eyes. from the day i can remember i was the favourite out of 4 siblings. One older brother (now nearly 18) , One younger sister (nearly 16) , and One older Half-sister (25).
They hated me.
They bullied me, tormented me. Since i was a child. It happens all the time. I'm now a month away from turning 17 and it still happens. My brother suffers from ADHD and can be abusive when angry. He has shoved me once for having his shoe. He still torments me when he can. Just little digs but they hurt. My little sister was not as bad but she would just follow the others. Now days we dearly speak. She is under social workers due to many reasons and is bearly getting GCSEs (UK grades). The worse out them all is my oldest sister. She has always hated me. I was nothing to her but a waste of space. No matter what i do. just a few weeks ago she attacked me. In my room dragging me by the hair and punching and slapping me. All over hair products. She was forced to give me a apology by my mum & dad. However, I know she don't mean it.
We all live with my parents. Its a daily thing.
A few years ago there was a fire. My dad nearly died. I was 10 at the time. It was about 6/7am. was about to wake up for school when the fire started, flammable liquids started the fire. Our living room and kitchen was distoryed and everywhere was smoke damage. After the fire i was in shock. Didn't talk for days. It took two months for everything to recover. physically. I hated fire since. At age of 14 another fire. In the garden. It was 4am, i wake up to a bright light from the window, and i just saw flames. A uncle who hated us set fire to the shed. Everything burnt up. Including our poor rabbit.
I hated school. I was a target for bullies. SInce primary they picked on me and shoved me. I struggled with words. I was a slow learner due to being half deaf. I cried myself to sleep and i felt alone. As secondary school started i though it would be a new start. Make friends, and start something. I was so wrong..... It just got worse. I was beaten many times and then one day a girl set my hair on fire with a busten burner. I had very long hair so thankfully i was not hurt. My mum took me out of school and was home schooled till i was 12. I started a new school. Nothing really changed much. Just 2weeks into a girl punched me in the face because i looked at her weirdly. A few months later i had enough. A girl was tormenting me in the locker room and i just snapped. I don't remember a lot but she was not expecting it since she got a broken nose. Life, got a little better after that. made friends and i started being a little happy, the bullying never stopped but it didn't bother me no more.
My Mum & Dad
I loved my mum and dad. But there not perfect. My mum was abusive to my dad. meanly and physically. Was not the best way to grow up. Night after night it just seemed to got worse as i got older. I get hunted by memories of them. My mum suffers from depression and a lot of other things that i don't know much of. But she has huge anger problems. And refuses help. My dad is a gambler. he is addicted but, i'm the only person that knows. everyday he is on the gambling websites. When no one is around. I stopped him loads of times. However, i never confuted him. I'm just a silly teenager to him. He also has heart problems, and diabetes and a lot of other stuff. So i leave it.
Right now events
Both of my nans died of cancer (One is 2011, Other just few weeks ago) . We are planning the funeral that is on the 18 of June. My dad is waiting for heart surgery and my brother and younger sister is failing education. My older sister still lives with us and has no plans to leave for a few more years.
Since i can remember i had always had a little bit of anxiety because of all of this. However, i got sick in December. Its got a lot worse. I went to a doctor but due to ill health they where more worried about that. Once i was better (February) it got to a point where i could not continue education and my social life vanished. It could be something small to trigger. Memories, Small pains, arguments, or nothing at all! It just seems its only getting worse. I'm starting to give up and thinking this is going to be my life. My boyfriend of nearly 2years is feeling the stress and i'm worried about the future. I just don't know what to so no more. This has made my year (and life) hell. I'm lucky to sleep at 5am let alone at all. Also to add i live in London. So medical stuff here is limited due to the NHS. Please if anyone has any advise contact me!
I Don't Know What To Do No More.
It was December 5th, 2012 and my fiance and I were headed out of town. Not 15 minutes into it, I felt like I was going to be sick and had to pull over so he could drive. It was an instant feeling that I assumed was just a bug or something that was going around. For a few weeks I felt this way and immediately thought I was pregnant and that would explain the nerves and sickness, so finally talked to Peyton (my fiance) and we took a test - negative. But then what was making me feel sick?!
December 26th - Doctor's office. She says I am not depressed and that it is anxiety, but there are medications that can help...Lexapro, an anti-depressant that would take about 6 weeks to get into my system. I have never taken a medication other than birth control and never wanted to, but this had to stop. It seems to help, but I've had some life changes that are taking a toll still.
We've been trying to plan a destination wedding, ok fine...12/16/2013 lost my job after purchasing a new car, ok fine...2/4/2013 got a new job, ok fine...11/1/2013, getting on a plane to Mexico in 5 months, not fine (getting on a flying capsule with a bunch of other people scares the daylights out of me). Less than a year ago I was in Vegas and had no anxiety! What the hell is my brain doing to me?!
Today: June 11, 2013 - Made my first therapy appointment EVER! I have to say, I am excited at the thought of talking to someone who can help me get over this and be able to walk on that plane and get married with confidence. I don't talk about it much with Peyton because I don't think he understands how debilitating it is. If we go out to eat or see friends, I am in panic mode until I can get my hands on an alcoholic beverage. It helps of course because it numbs, but that doesn't mean I enjoy that part. I don't drink much, therefore, I don't go out much.
I don't want to be on medication, Peyton doesn't want me on medication. It's hard because I know it helps, but I refuse to let this FEELING control my life and be on medication forever. If it's just a feeling, then I can change it, right?
I'll let you know how therapy went...I'm even anxious about that!
When I was first diagnosed with anxiety and depression, I was encouraged to seek therapy and medication. While I believe that both therapy and medication are excellent, and often effective, tools for ameliorating anxiety and depression, I wasn’t interested in taking pharmaceuticals. A long-time self-proclaimed health nut, I wanted to find ways to combat these illnesses through natural means.
While I am lucky and only suffer from mild depression and infrequent anxiety, I think many of my solutions can help others across the broad spectrum of anxiety and depression disorders. I hope that some (if not all) of these suggestions will be useful to you, as we are all fighting a tough battle.
I know, I know, we have all heard it before: exercise will make you feel better. But it really is a great tool to use against depression and anxiety. Exercise releases endorphins (happy chemicals) in the body, improving your mood. That is why many runners get what they call a “runner’s high.”
Although it was often a struggle just to get out of bed some days, when I took time to get outside and exercise (even if only for ten or fifteen minutes), the haze of depression, and the tension of anxiety would lift. Sometimes it only lasted an hour; but winning the battle is about taking those small victories. And when your body is healthy, your mental health can only improve.
Like I said before, I am a big health nut, and have always worked hard to eat right. However, during periods of depression, I would tend to overeat and snack on junk food. Unfortunately, the satisfaction from eating these tasty treats left as quickly as it came. And after these binges I would be left feeling even more worthless than before.
So I made a commitment to eat healthy again.
Focusing on fresh fruits and vegetables, and whole grains, improves the body’s functioning and naturally makes you feel happier and well. Depression makes you feel bad about yourself; so do yourself a favor and don’t give it another reason to bring you down. When I began eating healthy it didn’t cure everything, but it did help me feel good about how I was treating my body. Remember, it’s the small victories you have to cling to.
One of the simplest ways to fight through depression is through routine. Depression throws you in a rut that can often seem impossible to climb out of. However, forming a routine (and sticking to it) will force you to take action (however small) and avoid sinking further.
I started out very small. I wrote out a to-do list that I could follow every day. It included things like, 1. Get out of bed with the alarm, 2. Take a shower, 3. Eat breakfast, 4. Take a walk outside, 5. Go to work, 6. Make dinner. Although these are very simple acts that normally wouldn’t require a written to-do list, it helped me stay on track and get through the worst days.
4. Therapeutic Essential Oils
I have enjoyed the benefits of essential oils for years, and because I was loathe to try prescription medication, therapeutic essential oils were a natural choice for me (literally). Essential oils are not only good for relieving sores, burns, and cuts (I’m sure we’re all familiar with the soothing properties of aloe vera on a sunburn), but they also have mental health benefits. Herbs and oils such as chamomile, lavender, sandalwood, and jasmine, are all great natural remedies for depression and anxiety.
Every day I would start the morning with a cup (or two, or three) of chamomile tea. Chamomile is known for its soothing properties and effectiveness against depression, insomnia, and anxiety symptoms.
Similarly, lavender is especially effective in reducing mental stress and anxiety; sandalwood stimulates the limbic system of the brain (which is the center of emotions); and jasmine has uplifting and relaxing qualities that combat depression and nervous exhaustion.
Depression can have some very strange effects on the mind and body. I am normally a social, friendly person. However, sometimes my depression or anxiety would play mind games with me and make me feel totally detached from social situations. It was often like I was looking at my life as a third person, watching myself go through the motions, responding to people when they spoke to me, but not feeling any sort of real connection. Almost like watching a movie of your life while you’re actually living it.
It was in this sort of state that I found myself one week, yearning to feel human connection again, but failing miserably. That is when I remembered advice my mother gave me a long time ago. She said that whenever I felt sad or unhappy, I should do service. Her philosophy was that sadness is an inherently selfish emotion because it generates self-pity and a focus on the inward. While I do not mean to say that depression means you’re simply selfish (I know better than anyone that is most definitely an illness), I think there is some merit to her advice.
So I began volunteering at the soup kitchen once a week. While I didn’t miraculously feel alive and connected overnight, it did help me recognize that there were other people suffering in the world, and I could at least pretend to feel empathy and compassion for them. Eventually, I found I really did feel charity and enjoyed the opportunity to serve others.
While my story may not be the same as yours (we’re all fighting our own unique battles), I believe that many of these “natural cures” can help others who suffer from depression and anxiety. It won’t work overnight, and it won’t be easy. But we have to try. I know I’m glad I did.