Saturday, 13 September 2014 08:48


So, yesterday I had sorta a breakdown. 
Or in my case a breakthrough. 

When it comes to it, I have had trouble expressing my emotions on so many levels most of my life. 
Yesterday though, I was thinking some things about my past... like the axe episodes. It made me cry. For once I felt more than just a empty hole about it. I actually reacted on a human level (which is rare for me). 

I have a lot of feelings bottled up probably, and I have had trouble expressing them. 
To me it's usualy best to pretend I don't have emotions, but truth is I got emotions. Shocker eh? Maybe not, but for me it was a breakthrough to recall something and cry about it. 
The fear, the anxiety, and crying. 
I was just like washing some cups and was like thinking about the scar above my eye (my father hit me there once and I got into child protection services). o_o
I think this was before I was into the child protection services, the axe episode with my father. o_o
Once when much younger I had a axe incident with my sister as well. 
First about my sister, when I was like 7-8 years old or something my sister told me she would kill me when she got in again. Fearfull I locked all the doors, even my mother couldn't get in. Then I opened the door when they were far enough away, then I went up and looked myself in my and my sisters room (we shared rooms, shocker)... so my sister went up to the room, I think she had a knife or something (she was like 9-10 years or something), and she demanded I opened the door. I refused, she went away and came back with a axe. started hitting at the door. Somehow it was resolved, but not through my parents (parents neglect I suppose). I remember thinking "I must have been crazy sharing room with someone who told me they would kill me". o_o
Then I was thinking about my father, he was angry about me not cleaning their plates from their dinner (we didn't actually eat food together). I used to make my own food and so did everyone else. My parents made food for themselves only so... they didn't clean after themselves and tried to force us to clean. I was the cleanest kid in the house, yet he tried to force me because I was in the house. First I barricaded the stairs and threw stuff if he tried coming up, then I locked myself in my room and blockaded it with my body. He got a axe and was hitting at the door, and I was like... it was scary. o_o

Thinking about these things I begun to cry a little, and I realized... sorta... somewhat... these things really affected me... I calmed myself down, thinking to myself "It's okay. It's fine. I don't live there anymore, I never am going to live there anymore. It's fine to cry." I decided to try to comfort myself like that, because hey... I need to let go of these things and move ahead. It's fine if I cry. I am not liviing like that anymore. I don't have to be afraid like, so... yeah, it's okay to cry. Right? 
I can cry on my own, and I am glad my feelings are begining to show... I feel like I have been frozen in a inhuman way just to get through, but in reality, it has affected my life so much...  even thinking about it now... it's fine to cry... 
It's human... I am human.... 
Even though my friend had violence and drinking parents as a kid, it was nothing compared to how I grew up. I almost lost my life will... I burried my emotions to get by, since I didn't have any friends really or anyone to trust. I just need to learn how to live again. I am not at fault for my childhood. o_o

Accepting that... accepting to cry... accepting my humanity... it's hard to deal with.
I understand why it has become so difficult to look back in my memories... there isn't much that make me happy there. It make me feel like coiling. :'(

My parents... I don't think I can ever face them again. 
Even though I was there this summer, I can't deal with them at all. I get panic, rage and worse anxiety if I ever meet them. I can live with meeting them a few days, but my father I can't deal with for more than some hours (or I get nosebleeds for some reason and a strange headache). o_o

I have been thinking... 

when I moved on my own before I was 20, I was happy even if I didn't get a job. I was trying to awaken myself as a person again, get the stone of my chest to live again. 
But then, I was fooled by my sister to move back to my "parents" until we found our own place to live... can I say it didn't go well. Right after that I begun experiencing sever headaches... I could barely eat, drink, I wasn't able to keep awake. I became frozen to my room... there was nothing around I wanted to deal with. o_o
I guess it is related to my anxiety... I developed migrains as a result of having to deal with them again, and the stress went to my head. Litterlay... o_o

Now I have to deal with migrains until I can find out how to live... it's not the migrains I guess, but the anxiety... If I can deal with the anxiety and move on with my life, I guess my headaches will perish as well. It's just a theory though. o_o

I am glad my feelings are starting to show properly again though. This means I am somehow starting to deal with it and reflecting over the wrongness I have been through. It's no wonder I feel depressed some days... Amnesia of my childhood... I hope I can keep it behind until I can live properly again. :'(

When I have learned enough about happy things, maybe I can deal more with the memories... so maybe in a few years, I will be able to remember my childhood again. Anxiety leading to memory loss probably sound weird... but my mind goes blank... some things have become so hard to remember, but I don't mind... I don't mind at all as long as I can live. I just need to get past this social anxiety that has taken a hold in me.

I remember how some of my friends called me strong and a inspiration as a kid, but really... they didn't know how much I suffered. I feel like a wrek right now. It will take a while to build up who I was after living through that. My confidence, my voice... everything really. I never gave in though, but I still feel like many things has been broken in me. Among them my capasity to show emotions. Another part of it is my trust in others... 

I have been alone all my life... 
Really, I wish there had been someone I could trust, maybe it wouldn't have been that bad then. :'(

I don't know how others will react upon this. 
I wonder how people I know would react if I told them this... really... what is my life? It feel so pointless. I got no support around me. I am trying so hard on my own. It's though... I am sick of being alone. sigh... sorry, but I guess sharing this here, make me feel a little better. 

I have been thinking... maybe I can celebrate christmass with my aunt... I don't wanna go to my parents at all.. I feel like I will choke and die if I go there again. My whole body feels turned inside out by the thought... or maybe celebrating christmas on my own would be fine. I just don't wanna go through that anxiety and stress again from my father... I can't deal with him at all.. :'(

Published in Diary
Saturday, 23 August 2014 15:03

The disliker and the disliked.

I haven't written anything in a long time. I like to write but almost never do anymore, because I have everything but shut down in the area of things that make me happy or bring me joy. It must be my way of coping. Pushing away pleasurable things because I feel so overwhelmed and keyed up I feel like I just can't start or do anything. I want to write again, to draw, to create, it is a big part of me. Yet whenever I try it highlights this self loathing process, where I feel like I am so inferior in my ability that I don't even want to do it, which I know is all or nothing thinking but the discomfort from the thought makes me lose my "creative spirit" and I lose interest.  I just think too much period. That is what is ironic about it. The thinking generates the ability to be creative and at the same time thinking too much, being too creative, takes you down this rabbit hole that keeps you from having creativity that benefits you or others in any way. The trick is to be present and accept that I am thinking but at the same time not get trapped by the thinking. To observe the thoughts but not find myself being my thoughts. I really struggle with that. I have to catch myself. I often say I am depressed, but I am not so much depressed as I FEEL depressed. I have emotions that are not happy emotions. The thoughts which are not me trigger emotions which are not me and then I act and the acting is me because it is the choice I make based on those emotions and thoughts. I live in this state of worry that I will upset someone, look bad, be caught in my inability and even though I know all of this is silly and irrelevant I have auto-acted to where I don't often find myself able to identify what exact thought or secondary emotion triggers the entire process. I go through the process every day when I am around people, before during and after conversations and encounters. It eats up all my time. I highly dislike it but I am the disliker and the disliked. I want to change, but the hardest thing to change is yourself. It's easy to change jobs, addresses, and outside encounters. It makes no sense because it's like a computer that has a virus. The operating system keeps doing what it has always done and cannot fix itself, and in a way by doing what it has always done makes the problem worse. Then I scan and clean it up because I am also the user of the computer. I am aware of my cognitive distortions, but I have yet to overcome the phobia, because it's like I do it automatically without thought. Or the thoughts come later when breaking them down doesn't seem to benefit me. I have the overall thoughts beat, I can talk back to them, or be present and not generate them sometimes. The hardest challenges are motivation, thought tolerance, and social interaction. I have it narrowed down to those. At the same time I see a bit of perfectionist in there. At what point will I be happy with myself? I am not a failure, I am actually rediculously sucessful in light of what I overcame in my past. I have made huge strides in my mental health. What will be good enough? I can talk, I absolutely hate and second guess everything that comes out but I get out there and do it. I have a job and noone has fired me yet. What is the gauge I should use for, I am ok enough?  A little unfocused rant but there it is. 

Published in Diary

Like everyone, I was shocked and saddened by the death of famous comedian and actor Robin Williams. He was my generation's Charlie Chaplin. His movies were part of the backdrop of my generation's childhood, adolecence, and early adulthood. Over the past days, I have watched the many touching tributes to him, but I have discovered a disturbing trend in the comments of those who knew him well. Many of those who knew him for countless years expressed that they did not see his suicide coming, that he had his addictions under control, and that they did not know he was in such pain. One close friend of his, actor Rob Schneider expressed concern that Williams had been taking a Parkinson's disease drug that had suicide listed as a side effect. This struck a nerve with me. The media has reported VERY LITTLE on this VERY IMPORTANT link. This information is especially pertinent to those of us that have mental health issues. Prescription drugs have side effects sometimes very grave ones, and god only knows how many deaths are chalked up to "depression" when in actuality it is the pharmaceutical companies that should be held accountable. I have had my own personal experiences with the side effects of depression/anxiety medication. Some medications can and do make people who are normally not suicidal have suicidal thoughts. The sad thing is they make so much money off of the meds there has to be a class action lawsuit for these pills to be taken off the market. These pills are a double edged sword. In many cases there is a severe need for a medication, any medication to remove the pain associated with mental and physical illnesses. On the other edge of the sword is we do not know the the long term effects of these fairly new medications. We have to keep ourselves informed and make sure the media exposes the dangers of medications. Few people seem aware but Parkinson's and depression are also LINKED. It is believed that the lower levels of seretonin play a role in this. Now with this in mind, I feel it appropriate to highlight (in honor of Robin Williams)  NON MEDICINAL ways to increase your serotonin so you can theoretically decrease your chances of developing Parkinsons. Naturally. No drugs. Here are the ones I have found after scouring the internet. THINKING POSITIVE THOUGHTS- The chicken before the egg? Does serotonin cause you to be positive or does thinking positive cause you to produce serotonin. Either way MOOD THERAPY helps. EXPOSURE TO LIGHT. Sunlight, light baths. Many people with depression/anxiety have vitamin D deficiency and need more exposure to light. EXERCISE- Face it, it FLOODS your brain with happy chemicals, the ones you need, and for those of us with anxiety that fight and flight response builds up a need to release tension, exercise helps you work it out. DIET- eating foods that are serotonin boosters, foods rich in tryptophan, food low in sugar,caffiene, syrups, and saturated fats.  One thing that I made the decision to do after hearing this information in light of what I believe to be the big pharma murder of Robin Williams, was to purchase a treadmill. Everyday when I walk on it, I will remember that I am walking to naturally beat these mental illnesses that have robbed so many of their health and happiness. Every step, though simple, is like a little kick in the face of those horrible people that allow medications to KILL PEOPLE and not take them off the market because they care more about stock value than moral values. Maybe that sounds extreme, but over the course of 8 years I was put on zanax, wellbutrin, lexapro, zoloft, prozac, lithium, and another one I don't remember the name of because it has been so long, and all of those before the age of 30. That is extreme. The pill culture is extreme. Now, if you can find a pill that works, and leaves you with no side effects keep taking it, you found the magic pill. I know for many of us that has yet to happen, and won't. The option is there and I am thankful for that, but the risks are there too and the media and our society need to make sure that those risks are highlighted and addressed especially when the opportunity presents itself. The suspicious death of Robin Williams gave us that opportunity and we should be asking why. Not why did he do it, but why did this side effect happen to him and noone talked about. After all he did for others, we owe that to him. 

Published in Diary