Sunday, 11 January 2015 03:00

To be or not to be anxious

After Googling "sweaty hands", I got directed to this site. I've been having issues with excessive sweat on my hands, back,... feet, well everywhere on my body. Even went to a dermatologist for a solution. She gave me something to rub on my hands etc and it worked, so I never really had any second thoughts about it, it does sting a little bit the day after but it's okay. I've Google'd it before, but never really got into it. Now I think I might have a type of mild anxiety, after reading some symptoms and knowing I have some of them too. Allthough I'm not really sure I have anxiety, I thought i'd write down some of my thoughts. 

Up untill now some of my symptoms or problems are: sweatiness when nervous (it can get really bad to the point it's like my hands are sweating non-stop, it makes me introverted while i'm normally not at all, I like social contact but I haven't had a girlfriend for 8 years because of it) I remember when I was 16, sitting on the train with some friends and one of my female friends grabbed my hands and litterally asked if I had been fingering her other friend because my hands were so wet... ofcourse this cause me to get more nervous) I also get pain in my stomach from time to time, but not always. So far my physical "pains". My psychological "pains" , for me that is, are not easy to explain. I have a different mindset than most people. I think more in a "strong, silent type"- kind of way, props to The Sopranos ofcourse. In short, this means that I'm not going to talk to someone about my problems. I want to overcome my problems on my own. And if I have anxiety, so be it, I will eventually overcome this. It's not as bad as some of you whose comments I've read, I'm not afraid of going out or meeting new people, I do get stressed and I tend to overthink alot but you could say i lead a "normal" life. Everybody has problems, I try to deal with them. That is at least how I see it. I don't want to be selfish and bother others with my shallow problems. Ofcourse I wouldn't be saying this if I suffered as much as some, but for me, it is what it is, I don't have cancer and like i stated previously, my life isn't that bad. I don't want to discourage any of you reading this who suffer from anxiety from getting help, it is merely how I see it, from my point of view. So some other syptoms I have: I worry alot and this causes me alot of sleepless nights, For example when someone says something "mean" to me I end up fretting about it for hours. Well that's about all I can think of for now, I"ll share one more thing though.

Since I was little I've always had this dream, I don't even have to be asleep to experience it. It only occurs though when I'm in my bed. It's like the room I'm in is way bigger than it actually is and I'm smaller than I actually am. I can't really describe the feeling, maybe I should write it down next time, but I do know that I panick and I really have to tell myself that it isn't real. I've always wanted to know what this meant, so if anyone knows, please enlighten me.


Published in Diary
Monday, 29 December 2014 12:26

Anxiety Story Secondary School

i then went onto secondary school , which i was very anxious about which it is for any child , who is starting big school , but for people with anxiety disorders its alot worst. 

 Has i had moved house , i was told that i would have to get a coach to school , which added to the anxiety even more,  i would be going out of my hometown to get to school , i remember standing at the bus stop and dreading having to get on the coach but i wasnt to bad has i made a friend while standing at the bus stop which made me feel so much better , and we were both nervous and in the same boat so i didnt feel completely alone . after a few months of being there i lefted that school has i started bunking & not wanting to go , i didnt enjoy the whole travelling experience it wasnt for me , so i then went to a local school thinking that it might be the solution , it was okay for a while , but i then starting bunking school again , it was literally around the corner from me , so i could walk it,  but for some reason i was terrified of walking to and from school on my own, leaving the front door was so hard , even meeting a friend was difficult, i remember my mum telling my friend to go on without me, has i was just to scared to get up and go, i froze i didnt want to move , i remember just laying in my room crying and scared cause i didnt want to go school . it soon became obvious to the school , that something wasnt right , i remember being called to the headmasters room for a meeting with my mum , i just sat there crying and scared and there were asking me questions and i couldnt answer them , like why i didnt want to go to school? but i didnt know myself , i had no reason to not want to go, i just didnt know why i was, the way i was.

& before i know it the anxiety was getting worst and the only time i felt better, was when i was at home away from everyone. so thats what i did i locked myself every from everyone , so i didnt have to deal with the anxiety, it was like the only way i felt i knew how to deal with it at the time,  i was then admitted to child mental health to see a therapist, i was there til i was 16 or 17 , i was doing so well i was going out , making friends , and doing what i loved i was living my life i managed my prom i was so happy and then it all went down hill , when i lefted school ,  i was 16 at the time and i relapsed really badly , just out of the blue, has all the support i was getting from the school stopped and my mental health support & my support from connexions also stopped not long after  , has i had hit that age where i was no longer a child, i had to be referred to adult mental health, for more therapy and to yet be dianosged , but in the mean time things were really bad , i started to pushing friends and family away , everyone who cared for me & loved me i pushed away no one didnt anything horrible to me. it was me i was going through this really bad time and everything started to fall apart , i was feeling every emotion you could think off  , and none of my friends could understand why i was doing this , has i never said anything to my friends about my struggle with my mental health, i kepted it a secret , so i was completely on my own at this point , and i stopped leaving the house , all i would do is sleep and cry.  

Published in Diary
Monday, 29 December 2014 12:23

How My Anxiety Started

It started in playgroup , i had seperation anxiety which i have done research on , through youtube videos & reading up on it now and it matched talking it through to therapist etc, it all sounded alot like me and what i went through , i feels so nice to be able to put a name to something that has i caused me so much upset. 

 It started on the way to playgroup and the anxiety got worst the closer i got to the gates, and when i got in to the playgroup i had this overwhelming feeling of anxiety , and bad thoughts in my head that something horrible was gonna happen to my mum, if i was parted from her. i would cry and kick the teachers, cause i didnt want to leave my mum , and this went on all through nursery and primary school , i just didnt want to go to school , my mum was getting upset & angry, becuase she didnt know then what was wrong , or why i was like this, she didnt know how to deal with it,she didnt understand like when she took me to the park why i wouldnt go and play with the other kids , or go on the climbing frames on my own , and the fact that i was the only kid in the park that was sitting on the bench with her mum, scared that if i go and play that my mum might disappear.  Has i grew up the anxiety was there but it was better then it was , but it wasnt gone completely i had my bad days & good days , i know this will sound stupid but its little things, like if i didnt have a teacher i knew and it was a supply teacher , which was a man and i wouldnt want to go to school cause i was scared, it was the unknown it wasnt the teacher that i usually have, and i remember one teacher saying to me , ”dont be scared just think of him in a dress”’ to try and make me laugh and feel better. i had nothing to be scared about , but it was very scary to me at the time and i just got worked up over changes and stuff like swimming lessons with the school , it wasnt my usual routine therefore i would be more anxious knowing that something new is happening. i never did complete my swimming lessons , my Grandad took over and taught me to swimming instead. :) 

Published in Diary