Friday, 05 December 2014 01:17

The Lighter Side of My Anxiety

Anxiety Disorder, intrusive thoughts, irrational fears. Incredibly annoying things to experience. Despite the immense inconvenience and worry that it is giving me, my experience with anxiety made me realize something profound.

Before anxiety, I have struggled with depression. As a young teeneager I became so desolate at some points that I had attempted to end my life several times. I hated everything about me, I was in denial about my sexuality, I was afraid to befriend girls cause god help me if I'll have a crush on them. 

Fortuntely, I managed to reflect on my thoughts and actions, I knew it wasn't right. I wanted to be happy, or at least less miserable. So I started to think, what can I do to stop being miserable? 

And from then on I managed to reduce my depressive episodes, I forgave people who bullied me, and learned to let go of bad feelings, I still had depressive episodes but I was less suicidal.

Everything was alright, or at least better than ever for some years. I got my degree and made good friends in college. I even like myself now.

Unfortunately, due to a cup of coffee with an extra kick, I had a panic attack and had anticipatory anxiety which was accompanied by worry and obsessive thinking blah blah blah. And I became afraid like I've never been before in my life.

So the profound thing that I realize. I just want to be well, compared to my experience with depression, my anxiety isn't rooted from self-hate or destruction, I just want to be well. That's it. 

I am still working on it, I am hopeful, it's just difficult sometimes but life goes on.

Published in Diary
Thursday, 04 December 2014 22:41

Giving it a try

I have had a great week and it has been awhile.  The past two years have really been hard, but things are starting to swing in the right direction.  I met with my doctor today land he thinks 25mg of Zoloft will really be the drug to help me actually beat this anxiety thing.  Today is day one so I will continue to update my diary on my progress.  I hoping with this and my healthy lifestyle it will really start to make a big difference in my life.  

 

Stay postive people! 

Published in Diary
Saturday, 29 November 2014 05:43

Important Thing to Know about Anxiety

I have been scrolling through my tumblr when I saw this post on a favorite blog:

-How do I banish the anxiety loops in my head, that I know are ridiculous, but my stubborn mind won't quit scared my fragile heart with?-

I found lazyyogi.tumblr.com answer to be poignant:

-You cannot banish that which is not real. 

Anxiety is always about something unreal. It can be a thought about an unreal future or an unreal experience of the past. 

This is why the anxiety feels so unassailable. You cannot fight something that has already happened or that may happen. So your mind goes on torturing you and there is nothing you can do about it. 

Or so it seems. 

Anxiety is about something other than now. Sitting here at your computer, perhaps alone on a quiet evening, there is no real trouble. Nothing in this moment is lacking, and yet our desire and fear brings in so much turmoil. 

Why does the anxiety need to loop? Because it depends on your thoughts for its survival. So long as anxiety has you thinking and perceiving in line with its vibration, it endures. 

Our language becomes an obstacle when it comes to dealing with such things. We talk of “getting rid of” certain thoughts or emotions but can the ocean get rid of a wave? The waves come and the waves go. It is only a problem when you take the ocean as merely its surface. Then when the seas are tumultuous, you say it is a stormy day. And when the seas are calm, you say it is a placid day. 

But in reality, you are the unbounded deep. You are an ever still and profoundly unfathomable dimension beyond the mere surface waves. To awaken to this truth does not mean introducing a new thought or belief. It means re-examining your current experience. 

The first and most direct way to accomplish this is by means of witnessing. Through the act of witnessing, you are not repressing anything. You are not trying to get rid of an experience. Nor are you asserting any belief or perspective. 

A feeling of anxiety can catalyze a thought. A loop of thought can perpetuate anxiety. And so it continues in a self-propagating system of coupled thoughts and feelings mutually creating each other. 

Try this:

Sit or lie down in a comfortable position. First pay attention to your breathing. You don’t need to alter the flow of breath, just attend to the rhythmic or even tide-like flow. In and out, like waves on a beach. 

Now attend to the sense of anxiety you feel. Is it like a flutter in your chest? A tension at your back? A fear in your gut?

Don’t think about why you feel the anxiety or what it means. Just notice how you experience the anxiety on a bodily level. 

Then don’t do anything about it. Just breath, allow the flow, and be present with the bodily feelings. If your thoughts seem to grab your attention away to focus on their loops, come back to your breath. Then go from your breath to witnessing the feeling of anxiety again. 

It isn’t always easy. I can understand that; I’ve been having trouble with anxiety myself recently. But by dropping fixation on the mind and fully inhabiting your body, you can disrupt the cycle that perpetuates anxiety. 

When you abide with the anxious feelings while not trying to push them away nor indulge them, then you withdraw the power that sustains them. Anxiety cannot survive without you. You can survive without anxiety. 

Pushing anxiety away or fixating on the objects of your anxiety are both forms of feeding that frame of mind. Stillness and attention, on the other hand, open up an entirely different dimension of relation to your current experiences. 

In doing so, the anxiety diminishes and is released. You’ll see this for yourself through practice and application. A moment will come in which you can let it go. Then you do. 

Along with this form of mindfulness practice, I would also recommend daily meditation and the book The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. 

Namaste :) Much love. 

-

 

I  hope this helped you guys as much as it helped me.

Published in Diary