Today is another day, like most others. I feel so melancholic, and yet I am still laughing and smiling at work, and trying to around my spouse. Little do my coworkers know I feel sick to my stomach, and spent the 1st 20 minutes of my drive to work balling because I didn't want to be a burden any longer. I don't know how to deal with these. I don't really exactly have the benefits coverage to go out and go to a doctor to discuss this, and if I need a prescription I can't afford it right now. I'm also scared a doctor will tell me there is absolutely nothing wrong with me, lose some weight and the depression and anxiety will disappear.
I had a friend explain it very well the other day, based on the Spoons theory. Take 10 pens for example, those represent the mental/emotional/physical capacity I have to complete tasks during the day. Each task/activity costs a pen. Getting out of bed, showering, basic hygeine, getting to work, spending time with my spouse, those all take up pens. When it comes down to it sometimes I forget to do things.
Today wasn't a full step back but I'm still standing.
Personally, my biggest problem with depression is how my whole body begins to ache. It's so much harder to deal with feeling down when it feels like your body is working against you. Everytime I go to lie down and get some rest I argue with myself for several minutes to get up again. Once I'm down my body just doesn't want to get back up.
I'm sure others have this problem and I would love some advice if anyone has any but I'm really just beat. I can't focus, my anxiety is just around the corner and my neck is killing me for no other reason than to be rude.
Keep your head up, someone out there needs you. Even if you think they don't, you've touched one person in this world and they would miss you if you were gone.
For the past two days I've truly been struggling. I wait until my husband leaves for work before I start the long process of getting out of bed. I don't shower for several days at a time, I eat only things that don't involve effort to make or clean up, the dishes have been in my sink for three days I think, I only do laundry when there is nothing to wear and even then it makes my chest tighten because I fear what people would think if they saw my house in it's current condition.
Every morning I lay in bed and think to myself "but what are you doing with your life?" I never have a good answer. I get up and if I have the energy I shower, I usually don't. I take my medication, I guess it helps, when I remember to take it, if I care enough to take it. All day I struggle to focus, the only thing I enjoy doing is making my lists. I make hundreds of lists a week, sometimes about books I want to read, sometimes about the most random things I can think of. It calms me down and doesn't allow me to think.
Thinking is hard, I wonder what it would be like if anyone really knew how I thought. Unedited. Unfiltered. I've never told anyone the truth about runs through my head. Not that I want to kill people or hurt them or myself for that matter. I just re-think about everything wrong in my life, everything that has been wrong and everything that will be wrong in the future. It cycles like a show on re-run. Never ending. Sometimes it's easier because it's in the background and I can try to ignore it. But it's still there, I can see it out of the corner of my inner eye.
Several times a day my breath catches and I have to close my eyes. Try so hard not to cry and hyperventalate. Heaven forbid I have to talk to someone on the phone or email someone. It takes all day just to get up the courage to call my parents a couple times a week and even then when the conversation stalls my chest tightens again.
So what am I supposed to do? I fear every day that I will get called back to work or worse, that I won't be able to return. Then this will be forever. This will be my everyday. Everything I worked for, wanted, dreamed for, out the window because they didn't want to take the five minutes to properly install a machine. That ten seconds. That ten seconds that it took for me to get electrocuted could be the deciding factor of wether or not my husband and I are able to have kids. It could be the deciding factor of us buying a house, moving out of state, going on vacation, me driving out of town. That ten seconds.
One one thousand. Two one thousand. Three one thousand. Four one thousand. Five one thousand. Six one thousand. Seven one thousand. Eight one thousand. Nine one thousand. Ten one thousand.
This question, and many others, have plagued me for quite some time. Yet, I cant help but think to myself maybe (just maybe) I'm not the only one?
While most of this happens in my own life. I can't even begin to put into words how terribly lonely it all can be. As I have spent an obscene amount of time isolated and alone.
It feels like starting over, it feels like is an infinite strech of up and downs. It feels like both day and night.
On my worst days, my mind screams, "I want my old life back" and on my best, "I have hope that I will be better than my yesterday"
but like the ocean, it seems like a tired endless motion of tides and waves, drawing in and going back and I find myself laying motionless on the shores as time whips me and pulls me back, my soul crashes against the waves.
However, I can do all things through christ who strengths me, and my beacon of hope comes through the light I KNOW is within me.
This real picture of joy, endless laughter, joy and love, things that are endowed in me, and more importantly self love which is teaching me, I am not what anyone calls me, I am only me.
Hope is an endless strength that looks past the present adversity, but a stretch into the bright yellow sun.
Anxiety hurts. Depression hurts. The worst part about it is you don’t see it coming. When it strikes you have no control. You are left feeling hopeless. You can’t breathe. You suddenly have people around you separating themselves from you. You become an excuse for other people’s behaviors. You become a burden on those who love you. People look down on you. People think you are weak. They don’t see or feel what you are going through. Breathing techniques don’t work. Exercise doesn’t help. Medication makes you foggy. I have no idea how to combat this illness that is within me. I have no idea how to stop hurting those I love. I don’t even realize that I am hurting them. It’s hard to find support. Because being someone of this disorder makes you not trust others. We have been hurt so many times in the past that it makes you feel as if no one can ever understand. The heart palpitations, shortness of breath, screaming, and severe muscle cramps makes it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. When anxiety strikes, it strikes fast and hard making it very difficult to see coming. Identifying your anxiety can prolong an attack, but unfortunately, you can’t stop it. You can only slow it down. It’s hard to put into words as to how these attacks feel. Mainly because I blackout when they happen. Then the next thing you know you have hurt a friend or a loved one because you can’t control yourself… no matter how hard you try. One thought turns into one hundred thoughts… those one hundred thoughts turn into a whirlpool of negativity attempting to bring you into the abyss. The hardest part is to stay above water… to keep pushing. It’s hard because you start to doubt everything around you. You ask yourself why you are even here. What is your purpose? All you seem to do is hurt yourself and others, right? Why do people lash out at me? Why do I lash out at others? Why am I alone when others surround me? So, many questions trigger in your brain. So quickly in fact that you cannot process what is happening. You just break down. Unfortunately, the only way you can seek comfort is by ending it all. The easiest solution seems to be removing yourself from the equation. Your friends and loved ones will seem happier if you are not around. How do you live with something so dark within you? I don’t want to take medication. I don’t want to my loved ones to feel obligated to treat me a certain way. I just want to be normal. I just want to be accepted. I don’t want to be an inconvenience. I want to be someone who is strong enough to help others. I am weak. I am broken. But only because I am having trouble facing my past, and what others have done to me. When you have anxiety, one small issue can trigger a previous emotion or memory causing your whole mental capacity to hone into that one moment. It’s almost impossible to recover from. I’ve had others ask me, “How do you expect me to live with someone like you all my life?” My only answer is I don’t know. I don’t even want to live with myself all of my life. I have nothing to offer. I live in a world held captive by this disease. I just want to be free from the hurt and the pain. I hold it in until I explode. When I explode its at the point of no return. I sometimes wish I could be locked away from the world, and myself. I wish I could find a way to be free…. to accept myself. I feel bad for those around me. I have nothing to offer them but pessimist thoughts and negativity. Only because that’s what I know and how I think. I want to be exposed to a world free from those thoughts. I don’t know if I will ever see this world only because the world I see now involves me. I hurt others. I break down. I hold grudges. I have no friends. I have no support. You don’t see people trying to help unless they know it’s too late. They only do this so they don’t have to go to bed at night feeling guilty about what they could have done differently. I now find myself alone fighting this battle. Fighting for ways to make it go away. Fighting for the moments in life you fear that you will never have. Anxiety hurts to the bone. Unfortunately, depression follows. Depression increases the anxiety and makes the recovery so much more painful. How could you at like this? Who thinks like this? Why is no one helping? Why can’t I stop? What’s wrong with me? Who will ever love me? Why does no one love me? Why is no one there? It’s simple. They don’t understand. You don’t think normally. You cant no matter how hard you try. So, what’s the point of trying when everyone else has given up on you?
I have agoraphobia and I have been forcing myself out of the house lately. I go to my boyfriend's every weekend and we always do something that's out of my comfort zone. Every time I go it gets harder and harder, even though it should get easier and easier. I don't know, maybe it's because I feel like my partner doesn't understand me. I mean, it's great that he at least tries but I need someone in my life to shoot a text to saying ''I feel anxious'' and they will know what to say to me straight away to make me feel better. My boyfriend just hugs me and says it's gonna be okay, but he doesn't really know how I feel or how difficult it is. I feel like I have to go because we have a lot of communication and closeness issues and if I stop seeing him then we will eventually just break up, and I don't want that. I'm just scared and alone and I need a friend in my life right now.
I don't think I have written in a diary since I was probably 12 years old. I grew up in South America. I saw so many things a child should never see. This caused some PTSD but I had no clue until I was an adult. I've struggled with anxiety for as long as I can remember. it was always manageable except for a brief time in my very early 20s. And now I'm 30 and having the most severe panic attacks I have ever had. It's hard to tell what triggered them. The migraines that all of a sudden started happening? Oh no! I must have an aneurism or a mass in my brain! … panic attack… or maybe it was when my blood work came back with high cholesterol? Oh no! I'm gonna have a heart attack any second now! I have to stop eating! I'm so hungry but I don't want to die!!… panic attack… chest is tight fingers tingling. That's it! I'm about to die!! … panic attack… and nobody understands. And I'm told it's all in my head and to just calm down…
It's been a rough second semester and I'm feeling the pressure. I'm writing to relieve the tension in my body.
I'm starting to have rush of thoughts again. To be fair, I've been consuming an average of one and a half cup of coffee a day. What can I say? It's exam time again.
The rush of thoughts contain the same old. Irrational fears, intrusive images, and unpleasant feelings.
Now, I am afraid of somehow developing schizophrenia, I am worried about failing my exam for the third time, and I'm afraid that people will misjudge me for my mental illness.
E rush of thoughts is making it difficult to study. I think I should abandon the coffee.