For ths first time today when I got home, I decided to be calm and relax. Lay on the couch and maybe take a nap. I watched Planet Earth, and enjoyed the sight of the animals and the beautiful scenes.
I fell asleep, and would wake up a bit then fall back asleep off and on. I kept waking up completely sweaty, like I had been running in my sleep or something. It scares me to wake up that way, like I was having trouble while I was sleeping scares me.
Now I'm super disconnected feeling, my head feels heavy but motion sick. A little pressure I guess...
I'm trying to stay calm, and I know some people say they feel this way often too.. But it worries me so much and I don't know why..
I have learned, that everything can turn into fear.
That everything is dangerous, if you let it be.
That walking out of the house, is a lot harder than it seems.
That I'm a hypochondriac.
That I never really understood what anyone meant by anxiety, until now.
That I have been a complete ass to people over the years.
But, I have also learned that I am stronger than I thought.
That I have so much to be grateful for.
That I have so much to fight for.
How much my fiance means to me.
How much I love the company of my pets.
How much I truly loved what I did for a career.
How to take care of myself.
How important health is.
That I'm no invincible and that's okay.
That my drinking was an awful vice and a bad excuse for a good time.
That I can moderate my substances and be happy without them.
That no matter how afraid I was. I still made my first move from home, 150 miles away, for the first time on my own, and left all my friends, all of my resources, family, memories. Everything, and never looked back. And I still don't intend to, except to remember, but never to regret.
I will beat this, and I will grow old with the person I love.
Today was awful. If you havent read my previous post I recently broke up with my boyfriend, but what it doesnt explain is that it was so fast and out of nowhere I didnt feel like I had any closure. I was talking to our mutual friend today who actually introduced us and was just saying how much i missed him and how i wanted to work things out. I ended up at her house because as of today all I was doing was having panic attack after panic attack and I wasnt getting anywhere with it. I decided to text him to see if he would meet up and talk and after a looooooong time of silence I got a text message saying that he would and we could talk at our friends house. This was set for hours away so the wait begun.....and the anxiety set in.....I began to doubt if I had the strength to do this and that maybe I should just take off and not do it.
My friend took me to this hidden lake a few towns over and we talked about the possible outcomes. So at this point I am still hoping that I can work this out. When we got back to her house just minutes from the set time I get a call from my best friend who just saw him leaving his ex girlfriends house! She was so angry she pulled over and ran up to his car and told him that she should punch him in the face and how could he do that to me (there was a little more). So the anxiety had left and I knew that it was over so now it was about getting closure and closure only.
When he did show up it was just the two of us and I said hi then immediately asked how his ex was. He instantly became defensive telling me he was just over there to help paint, mind you she hadnt spoken to him in months, but shortly after let his guard down. I explained to him that he devastated me and how much pain I had been in and about the anxiety attacks I had been having because of him. I explained to him that my whole life I never thought I was worthy of love because of my anxiety and for some reason him going to his ex's made me realize that I didnt need him and that somewhere in this world there was someone who would value me for me and accept me. Backstory to this is he had an awful childhood and has a lot of issues from that that he refuses to deal with and for some reason I hoped I wouldnt be another stop on his serial dating train (dumb I know).
We talked for an hour and I was able to say everything I needed to and how he does not have the right to treat people this way. When we initially broke up an issue he had was that I am in school and going to be a nurse (godwilling) because I would make more money then him. I explained to him to go back to his ex if that is what he felt was best (they havent worked 3 previous times) she is much older then him and I explained to him the next time I saw him was going to be when I was a nurse and I was taking care of his girlfriend in a nursing home...... I am not a mean individual and am generally very laid back, but after knowing he was at her house right before coming to talk to me made me angry in the sense of if you cared for me at all shouldnt there be some respect?
There was a lot to the talk and I even was honest enough to say that I had hoped we could work this all out until I was told about his ex. We had our differences, but nothing that was huge and to be honest I enjoyed that we were different because it kept things fun and interesting. His ultimate reason for calling things off was that it was getting to real. Mind you I was taking things slow. This kid wanted to live with me from like 3 weeks in and I put the breaks on everything. I think my anxiety made me cautious and I wasnt in any way ready for a huge committment such as marriage. So more or less he scared himself and ruined something good. I have never walked out of a situation like this with such calm and acceptance. I am not stupid to think that the pain of the loss wont return, but for the first time in days I feel back in control of me and I could that as a victory......
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