I'm currently in a state of anxiety where my whole body feels tense. My musles are tight and woumd up. it physically hurts. I feel Lonely and nobody in my house understand what it feels like. I am so TIRED of people telling me to relax. If only it were that easy to do. I went to the doctor so a similar reason while i was in the middle of an attack not as sever but pretty bad. my heart was a little bit up. SHe told me that i had high blood pressure and gave me medicine for it even after i explained that i suffered from this illness and what was going on. It made wanna tell her that she was not help at all im looking for another primary care given she did not make me feel comfortable. I made feel helplkess and sad that she is not sympathetic or at least i dont feel like she was sympathetic. Sometimes I feel like I cant focus. think. or functiona nd I look for help but I dont feel like i get it. and not having money because i dont feel like i can function in my job does not help at all. I feel helpless and even though i know its unrealistic i wnat results now. Feeling like this sucks!!!

Published in Diary
Monday, 03 November 2014 18:48

First Input

Have been very anxious and depressed without seemingly to be able to control it. Prayer and meditation help alot, but medications  so far have not been working out or have given me bad side effects so get off of them after a few weeks or even a few days. Palpitations, suddenly waking in the night out of a sound sleep, heart pounding...it's getting very old VERY fast.  Tired of the fears and persistent thoughts of dying.  Tired of the dizzyness, weakness and fatigue. Tired of the gastrointestinal problems, constipation then diarrea, cramping, gas pain, reflux and globus feeling. Just tired. Frustrated.

Published in Diary
Thursday, 20 February 2014 22:37

It began again

Last night I beagan having that feeling i had expierenced since the start of last years summer. I went to bed with my wife and started feeling out of reality, losing my focus, feeling faint, and letting fear into my heart. My fear of dying and not being there for my child seems to always be haunting me. I began to Pray and read Psalms chapter 1-10. I'm not sure if King David ever felt like me but just like he did I put my Hope in My God. I don't take any anti-anxiety pills or have a therapist, I wonder sometimes why this happens to me or if I deserve it. God is there but he gave me common sense. I was lying in bed and tried going to sleep, as soon as i closed my eyes I could only hear my heart beating. I started to count the beats and soon it started beating faster. I started freaking out and almost had a full on attack but I stopped myself and said,"NO". I kept thinking about Isaiah 41:10 'Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.' I believe these words with all my heart. I always remember what he has done in my life. When my mom went into cardiac arrest and fell into a coma, the doctors said she wasn't going to make it. That was the day I gave my life to Jesus. I remember I put my trust in him and knew everything was going to be fine. To the doctors surprise she recovered and  got better and now she is practically her old self. You wouldn't think she's been through that if you saw her. Now I always tell myself, "if God can bring your mom back from the dead, do you think he can't heal your problems? Do you think he can restore the chemicals in your brain to a perfect balance?" I know he can do it, In the end this whole expierence has brought me closer to him than I ever thought I would. I can't say the same for everyone out there, There are those who believe in God and those who rely on Science. I choose to believe in God and use my common Sense to excersise, eat healthy, and live a righteous life. I know My healing will come soon and I pray that everyone who suffers with the same expierence be healed as well. There is hope and I know I've expierenced thoughts of suicide. I ignore it because life still has a meaning and a purpose. I know my prayers will be answered and I will not be put to shame. Thank you Lord for the storm. I will stay Strong and continue on.

Published in Diary
Page 1 of 3