It has been a day. I got through my advising appointment without incident which is usually a huge source of anxiety for me; unfortunately the rest of the day seems to determined to punish that small victory. I just found out I'm failing my online class, and also my anthropology class and I have a GPA below 3.0- which for me is absolutely devastating. Because of that I will be unable to apply for a Harvard Leadership Conference which is absolutely devastating- it was a once in a lifetime opportunity. Its my own fault; I probably wouldn't have gotten in anyway- my resume isn't impressive enough nor are my career goals but it would've nice been able to try.
I hadn't realized I was struggling that much. I don't know how much of my struggle is schedule related, if I've taken on too much or if there's some anxiety related problems in there too. Power over the situation with money being spent without permission has been taken out of my hands which makes feel like I'm spiraling. I thought I had my life under control but I was wrong. All of this combined with the death of a family friend, and forgetting my phone charger at home this weekend has been pretty overwhelming. I'm trying not to cut- I've been clean for 3 years and I don't want to break that streak.
I'm trying to keep these things in perspective, but the problem is these are things that will matter in 5 years. I've never gotten a job I've had to interview for- I get too anxious to perform properly, even after studying interviewing techniques intensely. I'm forced to rely on a very impressive resume and my own ingenuity, and still can't get hired even at fast food places. I'll end up with a degree and no job prospects. That's the scariest thought of all, especially in this economy. I wish I could shut my brain off for a few hours so I could think and work effectively. I'm too anxious to focus properly, and focus is the only way I'll be able to get enough done to calm down.
i hate thinking about something for days! :( im still anxious for 2marrow and im starting to pick at my lip again, i knew i shouldn't of took my my fake nails off :(
you have to wear lipstick tomorrow!
In case you haven't noticed, I put a lot of my personal story into this blog. For me it's been almost a therapeutic exercise at times to share parts of my life that aren't exactly high points. About five years ago I went to Salem, MA with my godmother, cousin, and sister. We went to Laurie Cabot's shop - she is the unofficial (or possibly official?) Witch of Salem. While there we asked for a recommendation for psychic readings and they sent us to The Oracle Chamber. It was run by a husband and wife, small and unassuming you'd never guess this little shop could house something so special. Upon entering and meeting Therese and her husband (John? I can't remember, don't judge me) I was immediately put at ease. Never having ventured into the world of psychics, tarot cards, or palm readings I had no clue what to expect. What I got was an hour long intense and somewhat confusing tarot reading followed by a five minute palm reading that put words to something I never could but had somehow subconsciously sensed for a long time. Those words have brought me if not a sense of relief, at least a sense of peace. Therese so happens to be my grandmother's name so that alone made me interested in her reading and after hearing her read my cousin's palm and basically hit it out of the ballpark with her specificity I had to try it too. After grabbing my hand and shining a strong light onto it she started the reading and although I can't remember everything I do remember she pointed out to me that my palm creases in the shape of a five-pointed star and that I was a healer but a wounded one. A wounded healer.
This theme also came up loud and clear when I had my Numerology done. Huh.
So that's why my life tends to fall apart? So I can help other people more? I have always said, Erin Land is a great place but when things go wrong, they REALLY go wrong. The answer, apparently, is yes. Due to the epic mess of my life at certain points in time I have definitely grown more compassionate, gentler - with myself and others, and more open minded. Judge not lest ye be judged peeps. Or, more simply - don't judge anyone unless you have walked in their shoes.
I am fully aware that by putting personal details of my life on the internet I am opening myself up to criticism and God only knows what else. But if I'm helping someone get through their day or understand that they are not alone and there is nothing wrong with them, it's worth it. What I really want to know is, this page has almost 2000 views. And maybe 8 comments? What's up with that? Who are you out there reading this? Why don't you introduce yourself? Do you know me in real life or am I a total stranger you've managed to find? The anonymity of the internet allows you to read all about me and my little world - so what do you do after you're done reading? Here's an idea - leave me a comment - here or on Facebook or Twitter or Blogher. I'm all over the place y'all and I want to know who you are. Because I'm interested and curious and excited to know you and to hear what you get out of reading this blog.
Help me out here peeps. I promise to love you even if you don't but I sure will dig it if you do.
|I didn't want to have to say it but...kidding! Sort of...|