Thursday, 20 February 2014 22:37

It began again

Last night I beagan having that feeling i had expierenced since the start of last years summer. I went to bed with my wife and started feeling out of reality, losing my focus, feeling faint, and letting fear into my heart. My fear of dying and not being there for my child seems to always be haunting me. I began to Pray and read Psalms chapter 1-10. I'm not sure if King David ever felt like me but just like he did I put my Hope in My God. I don't take any anti-anxiety pills or have a therapist, I wonder sometimes why this happens to me or if I deserve it. God is there but he gave me common sense. I was lying in bed and tried going to sleep, as soon as i closed my eyes I could only hear my heart beating. I started to count the beats and soon it started beating faster. I started freaking out and almost had a full on attack but I stopped myself and said,"NO". I kept thinking about Isaiah 41:10 'Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.' I believe these words with all my heart. I always remember what he has done in my life. When my mom went into cardiac arrest and fell into a coma, the doctors said she wasn't going to make it. That was the day I gave my life to Jesus. I remember I put my trust in him and knew everything was going to be fine. To the doctors surprise she recovered and  got better and now she is practically her old self. You wouldn't think she's been through that if you saw her. Now I always tell myself, "if God can bring your mom back from the dead, do you think he can't heal your problems? Do you think he can restore the chemicals in your brain to a perfect balance?" I know he can do it, In the end this whole expierence has brought me closer to him than I ever thought I would. I can't say the same for everyone out there, There are those who believe in God and those who rely on Science. I choose to believe in God and use my common Sense to excersise, eat healthy, and live a righteous life. I know My healing will come soon and I pray that everyone who suffers with the same expierence be healed as well. There is hope and I know I've expierenced thoughts of suicide. I ignore it because life still has a meaning and a purpose. I know my prayers will be answered and I will not be put to shame. Thank you Lord for the storm. I will stay Strong and continue on.

Published in Diary
Tuesday, 21 January 2014 09:51

Tue 21st January

So back at work after a long weekend.


Tired - as always.  Headache - as is often the case (probably tension - shoulders are really tight and sinuses are uncomfortable)

Depersonalisation and Deprealzation are quiet intrusive.  This is making my anxiety bad.

Think without them I would be less anxious.  Ho hum.


Anyway all things considered things have been worse ; )

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It has been a day. I got through my advising appointment without incident which is usually a huge source of anxiety for me; unfortunately the rest of the day seems to determined to punish that small victory. I just found out I'm failing my online class, and also my anthropology class and I have a GPA below 3.0- which for me is absolutely devastating. Because of that I will be unable to apply for a Harvard Leadership Conference which is absolutely devastating- it was a once in a lifetime opportunity. Its my own fault; I probably wouldn't have gotten in anyway- my resume isn't impressive enough nor are my career goals but it would've nice been able to try.

I hadn't realized I was struggling that much. I don't know how much of my struggle is schedule related, if I've taken on too much or if there's some anxiety related problems in there too. Power over the situation with money being spent without permission has been taken out of my hands which makes feel like I'm spiraling. I thought I had my life under control but I was wrong. All of this combined with the death of a family friend, and forgetting my phone charger at home this weekend has been pretty overwhelming. I'm trying not to cut- I've been clean for 3 years and I don't want to break that streak.  

I'm trying to keep these things in perspective, but the problem is these are things that will matter in 5 years. I've never gotten a job I've had to interview for- I get too anxious to perform properly, even after studying interviewing techniques intensely. I'm forced to rely on a very impressive resume and my own ingenuity, and still can't get hired even at fast food places. I'll end up with a degree and no job prospects.  That's the scariest thought of all, especially in this economy. I wish I could shut my brain off for a few hours so I could think and work effectively. I'm too anxious to focus properly, and focus is the only way I'll be able to get enough done to calm down. 


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