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Sunday, 28 September 2014 22:51

Reclaiming myself

I realize... I didn't use to feel bad about things before I stood up for me and my sibling.
No... I mean... I lived before.
I wasn't depressed, or anxious to begin with. I was a fighter, I was myself and fully living as who I am. 

What happen was me being broken down. 
Brick by brick. I lost something growing up, and I hided the things withing myself because I knew... if I kept feeling things I would completely break. I begun thinking of suicide quite early... first time I probably was around five years. It was worst in my teenages. But I didn't chose to feel like that.
Others brought me to that state, and I was alone. Everything, anything, it was just me. 
I had dreams where I died, but I didn't mind them.
I experienced being stabbed in dreams, luring call of giving in... I am not the kind to give up, no matter my oponent or whatever I experience. I am a unyielding wild spirit inside. If anyone tried forcing me to things I didn't accept or respect, if there was violence involved I would never "follow orders". I did thinks if people asked me nicely, because that showed a sign of respect. My parents never showed me this respect. 
It was so much, so much have been lost to me... 

I wonder right now... how would it be like to be a child?
I grew up like a child, but I don't feel like I was a child. There was no one to trust in my life. No one.

Now I am looking at myself, and it's going to be the worst part yet.
I need to build up my pride, my sense of honor, myself... I feel like my castle, the one I was has been torn down. I am wild without a sanctuary. No place to hide. I grew fearful of tihngs, of people. How much has been torn down of me? I was such a person with honor and dreams. I want to live for others, all my life, I wanted to be someone for others. I don't want anyone to feel alone... yet... I have problems liking others.. I feel like such a disgrace to who I used to be. My distrust, my anxiety... it's disturbing to see what kinda results growing up in that kinda home has done to me. I am still me, but barely.
I almost died. I almost lost myself completely growing up. 
If I hadn't hidden my emotions, closed myself within myself, I probably would be a lot worse. 

But even as it's over, I don't know how society works. 
I don't know how to be, because there was no one to teach me. I feel like a grand fault in this world... :/
I worry if I can build me up to who I was... I worry because I wanna be a fierce sun again, someone who don't give a damn as long as it's just. I wanna be a dreamer. I am a dreamer, but... it's like I am still chained. 

I have built up one part of me again. 
For that I have started to see myself in a new light. I don't have to be afraid. I am angry though. My fears are unreasonable. I need to grow, to build myself up... but I guess it's not an easy task. I wonder if I can do it. If I manage to do it, maybe I can burn again and help those I care for. 
right now, I am worried if I even can help myself.

But someplace the change must start. 
Step by step, on my own, I'll reclaim myself and live like I should have without such fears. I am certain I can overcome this is I continue in this direction. I am worried, but if I just get somewhere longer, I can live the life I wanted from the weary begining. I am never giving up my dreams. :)

I just feel like screaming out that I am never giving up somehow... 
I need to believe in myself. It's one of the steps I need to take. :)

Published in Diary
Saturday, 02 March 2013 20:31

Flaws Galore.

Okay, 

So we all know the term 'Nobody's perfect', yet we find ourselves constantly comparing ourselves to others. 

Perhaps it's just how society has been and will always be, but if we work at gaining self-confidence, maybe we can cut the 'constantly' to a mere 'occasionally'.

 What I have learned is this, the best way to conquer your flaws is to flaunt them. Yeah, that sounds a bit weird most likely, but your true friends and loved one's won't even mind! So let's say you're someone who is really self-conscious their teeth... they aren't perfectly straight, sure as hell aren't white, so you rarely ever smile, and when you do you clasp your hand over your mouth. Stop doing that. Yes, that is obviously a lot easier said than done, but as I said before, no one really cares. They may think it's a bit odd, but who are they to judge? Everyone suffers from flaws and therefore, they are not in the place to judge you. 

Also, know that you're not alone in your flaw. There are probably people out there who are just like you! There's a poem by Shel Silverstein called 'Masks' and if you haven't read it yet, I highly suggest you do! Also, if you have time, Desiderata by Max Ehrmann is a great poem to live by. 

So what are your flaws? Maybe you'll find someone just like you on here! 

 

Published in Anxiety General Blog

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